Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Written and directed by: Guillermo Del Toro

Starring: Ivana Baquero, Maribel Verdu, Sergi Lopez, Ariadna Gil, Doug Jones, Alex Angulo, Roger Casamajor, Cesar Vea.

What a year and what a race we have Mr. Oscar ©. First off, I should mention that The Namesake was a very hard movie to top; taking that into consideration I can confidently say that Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) is my new favorite movie of the year.

Of course there are still a couple of movies that might have a shot at the title including:  Apocalypto, Children of Men, The Prestige and The Fountain (all of which, at the time of this review, I have yet to see). Until this critic gets a taste of the competition, I will give the top prize to Guillermo Del Toro’s beautiful dark masterpiece.

Although this is a fairy tale of sorts, I would advise parents to leave the children at home. I remember the first time I saw The NeverEnding Story. I must have been 6 or 7 years old, and I was scared shitless. Yes, I know that I was too young to know what scared shitless even meant but at the time, seeing Wolfgang Petersen’s fantasy-adventure film was probably the most amazing moment of my young life. Superman was close, but the rock eating giant, the flying corn dog and the beautiful princess took the prize in my book.

While sitting in the theater watching Pan's Labyrinth, I started to feel just like that day 22 years ago when I was both amazed and scared shitless for the very first time in my life. Fairy tales are mostly known for creating those beautiful worlds that use child-friendly images and loving characters to teach and entertain the masses. In reality, fairy tales are stories of trial and tribulation, used as tools to teach us and our children, using lessons set in fantasy but based on reality.

Set in northern Spain right after Franco’s victory over the leftist government, Pan's Labyrinth tells the story of Ofelia (Ivana Baquero), a young girl that easily drifts back and forth between a world of fantasy and the reality that her mother Carmen (Ariadna Gil) has chosen for them. On their way to a secluded house in the woods where Carmen’s new husband Capitán Vidal (Sergi Lopez) waits impatiently, Ofelia discovers that something is trying to make contact with her. Once Capitán Vidal’s true intentions for bringing Carmen and Ofelia are revealed, all hell breaks loose in the house and in the surrounding forest were the leftist rebels are hiding, jeopardizing his pregnant wife’s chances of survival. In the meantime Ofelia has made a new friend in Pan (Doug Jones), the magical fauno that has the key that can return Ofelia to her kingdom, provided that she complete 3 tasks that will prove without a doubt that she is the princess.

With time running out, the story reaches its climax at the end of the film; will our princess find her way home to the magical kingdom or will the rebels be crushed once and for all by our heartless Capitán Vidal? A true homage to Spielberg, Petersen and Cronenberg, writer-director Guillermo Del Toro takes all of these influences and creates something completely new with Pan’s Labyrinth. An incredible blend of fantasy and reality purposely set in the middle of a war to show us that the scariest things we dream up never come close to the evil that reality can conjure.

Juan Marcos Percy – Importer/Exporter

The Holiday (2006)

Written and directed by: Nancy Meyers

Starring: Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, Jude Law, Ed Burns, Rufus Sewell and Eli Wallach.

The Holiday was okay. Yeah, it could have been better. Cameron Diaz didn't seem like a good fit for the part, and I can't believe that anyone would be in love with Rufus Sewell for three years. Some of the writing was just bad—scenes with people talking while typing and saying what they're typing should have been banned after The Net. Because of this, as well as several bits of people talking to themselves, the first 30 minutes is just not good. A bit with Diaz's character having these film trailer fantasies about her life (her character edits trailers) gets old fast. And older faster each subsequent time it occurs.

On the plus side, you’ve got Kate Winslet and Eli Wallach, who plays a screenwriter from Hollywood’s Golden Age. Their storyline would probably have made a really cute movie by itself and the Wallach character has some good points to make about the state of the business where cash is king and films are just a product. Jack Black is good and he and Kate make an interesting couple, but the Winslet/Wallach story was truly charming. Jude Law is truly charming as well, in his role as Diaz’s love interest. In fact, after feeling a bit apathetic about Law as an actor during recent years, his performance in this makes me want to see more of him again.

Bottom Line: Catch this one on video, kids. Sorry to disappoint.

Rick Sayre – Pop-Culture Junkie

Dreamgirls (2006) ***1/2 out of 4

Written and directed by: Bill Condon

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Beyonce Knowles, Eddie Murphy, Anika Noni Rose, Danny Glover and Jennifer Hudson.

They are Dreamgirls, boys, they’ll make you happy. The enthusiastic coverage of this film based on a Tony-award winning musical and its promise as an Oscar-contender caught me in its web; I was eager to see if it lived up to the hype. It proved to be everything I had not expected from a cast of beautiful, talented, musically expressive and illuminating stars. Amongst laughs and triumph, a soulful glamour inhabits each scene; it’s a spectacular indulgent ride this holiday season and one worthy of the Academy’s attention.

Musical theatre fans the world over will rejoice with their jazz hands high for this jive take on a Detroit all-girl Motown trio, á la the Supremes of the sixties, played by picture perfect Deena James (Beyoncé Knowles), charming girl next door and Broadway starlet Lorell Robinson (Anika Noni Rose), and starring the outspoken, brash Effie White (Jennifer Hudson, a former “American Idol” contestant turned vocal TKO). Their manager Curtis Taylor, Jr. (Jamie Foxx) hustles to line the Dreamgirls as backup for a hilarious incarnate of James Brown and Lionel Richie, rising talent James “Thunder” Early (Eddie Murphy). In his return to film, Murphy lights up the stage with his megawatt grin and crazy antics. “Cadillac Car” and “Steppin’ to the Bad Side” are highlights of the girls’ and Early’s time together touring.

Effie’s headstrong character struggles to find her place in the backdrop of a wispy storefront show. Everything about her and her potential is life-sized and generous. With Curtis’ business mind relentlessly on the sell of the girls to the masses, Leena replaces Effie as they cross R&B and soul worlds to take control of the pop music charts and become superstars. Hudson’s possession of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” will rock your core and the emotional quotient of the theatre. The resulting journey to breakthrough solo with her strength, originality and authentic powerhouse of a voice, channeling legendary soul sisters Billie and Aretha, begins her new life.

While raising her (and Curtis’) daughter, Effie teams with veteran manager in the industry, and former father figure to Murphy’s Early, Marty Madison (Danny Glover). Glover’s rooted acting grace adds special warmth to the film’s base. “I Am Changing” serves as the anthem to both Effie’s personal progression and that of Hudson’s stardom in the present day.

Effie’s musical presence grows committed in sweet partnership with her songwriting brother whose love was there from the start, with through-the-roof handsome C.C White (Keith Robinson), to produce “One Night Only,” as her first single. It is her big break and beginning as a true artist, but especially gratifying when Deena sticks up for her and claims her own worth as a woman to Curtis. “Listen” is her shining moment, a song she also co-produced. Though his closed mind prevents the blossoming of their relationship through its growing pains, it’s nearly impossible not to swoon in a backstroke while he shares his first love letter to Deena, “When I First Saw You.”

At any moment, Foxx or Murphy could have fudged along the stage’s story, but writer and director Bill Condon does a brilliant job of keeping the flow of conversation, song, moments of reflection, revelation and action one of continual purpose. Murphy is gifted in his carriage of Early, especially as he figures his way through. As full-time moneymaker, Curtis awakens to a new reality for himself at the film’s conclusion; the family and community that grew the Dreamgirls holds together with weightier, time-tested threads.

The heart grown within the characters and their connections as friends and lovers brightens the documentation-via-soundtrack and allows its essences to waft in costume, constructing a musical for your own fantasies each time you’re near. Everyone in the theatre left with lighter steps. Dreamgirls and Condon should consider their mission accomplished.

Jehan Mondal – Staff Music Critic

Shortbus (2006)

Written and directed by: John Cameron Mitchell

Starring: Sook-Yin Lee, Paul Dawson, Lindsay Beamish, PJ DeBoy, Raphael Barker, Peter Stickles, Jay Brannan and Justin Bond.

John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus is a film years in the making. Since the iconic success of his wonderful rock opera Hedwig and the Angry Inch in 2001 (whose soundtrack is still perfectly embedded in my mind), Mitchell talked at length about having his next movie tackle the popular subject of sex and relationships, with a slight twist: all of the couples featured in his film would actually have sex on-screen. There would be no nude pasties to cover the actors’ privates, no simulated sexual acts, moans or motions…it would all be real and completely naked, emotionally as well as physically.

Suffice to say, casting Shortbus was a bit of a challenge. Mitchell put out ads in several magazines and newspapers and thousands of actors answered the casting call. Casting is always a priority in any film, that is an obvious no-brainer, but in a film as personal and raw as this one, just one off-kilter actor cast could easily break the impenetrable hypnotic mood that the film is clearly planted upon. Shortbus succeeds because of the actors’ brave performances—you never doubt that what they are experiencing on-screen is real, even for a second. Because you never doubt them or their actions, everything that they experience, you experience as well, and although that may seem entirely voyeuristic, the truth is slightly more complicated.   

Because the sex that occurs on-screen is “real,” because there is *gasp* gay sex and penises galore (and an extremely funny and endearing rendition of the national anthem to boot), it is easy to dismiss Shortbus itself as a pornographic gimmick (as many film critics and naysayers did) if you fail to keep in mind the context that these scenes appear in. Shortbus isn’t really about sex—sex is simply a tool that Mitchell uses to connect all of us together. The desire to be wanted and to want, to be touched, to be accepted, to feel and to love, these are the central themes at the very core of the film. John Cameron Mitchell explored these same themes to a certain degree in Hedwig but he truly breaks new ground with Shortbus. Mitchell is one of the few writer-directors who clearly understand how lonely and beautiful the human experience can really be, and how living in New York City heightens the intensity of both emotions to alarming extremes. Ultimately, Shortbus is a film that seeks to unite and succeeds, and its message is clear, if you are brave enough to see it. It is by far one of the best films of 2006.

Lily Percy - Editor

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) **** out of 4

Directed by: Gabriele Muccino

Written by: Steve Conrad

Starring: Will Smith, Jaden Smith and Thandie Newton.

Will Smith is well-known for being the scene stealer and magnetizer in his hilariously spirited and comical days leading The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. While the grossing of his films at the box office has been in the billions, Smith is presently grounded in the occupation of telling heroic stories. His acting and production work in The Pursuit of Happyness wins top prize as this holiday season’s heartwarmer. The misspelling of the word is a metaphor for the tenacity to fully experience this emotional state.

Based on a true story, Smith plays Chris Gardner, a man fueled by a big dream to provide for his family and live a happy life, the kind he finds business executives owning as they smile and lightly skip the steps of San Francisco’s financial district. Suit and tie, however, is daily attire for Gardner, who makes a living working his conversational magic as a salesman of a cumbersome, expensive medical device – a bone density scanner. It was initially a promising opportunity for a young couple to establish and invest in themselves, but the realities of the sell were unexpectedly daunting.

The hustling and struggle to make a good life not only stretches his soul and hardens his bones, but exhausts and burdens his wife Linda, played convincingly by a bitter Thandie Newton. She does not see the light nor relate to any sense of ascension in the sketches Gardner has in mind, disillusioned by her earlier dreams and worn thin by the day-to-day circumstances that prevent paying of bills and raising their son Christopher, Smith’s real-life son, Jaden, on terms he deserves. The tug-of-war only lasts so long; Gardner’s inner strength directs him towards his destiny and a new life for his child.

Several scenes throughout the film capture the extraordinary, illuminating chemistry between son and father, be it riding every kind of public transportation the city offers, making time for a few hoops and philosophy, waiting in line at the homeless shelter, or sleeping in an imagined cave lined with bathroom tissue. The situations become darker, but throughout a kind support network raises Gardner’s life to affirm his hopeful stake and encourage him to keep on in his promise and development. After they’d just come out on the scene, solving a Rubix cube on the fly would say a lot.

Garnering a competitive, non-paid internship at Dean Witter is the beginning of his new life. At times the go-to guy for coffee and car parking, and once the applicant hopping on one loafer, he goes above and beyond what any other candidate has to accomplish and conquer. With a thin wallet, his sleepless nights studying the business, repairing a remaining scanner and making sure his son was sound for the next day’s journey reveal this real-life man’s extraordinary depth of character and commitment. We know this hero through his actions.

The last few moments of the film break open life for Gardner just the way you’d been patiently hoping for while seated in comfort. His inspiring and resilient self-construction restores willpower to every viewer; tears of joy will stream from even the strongest of men.

Jehan Mondal – Staff Music Critic

DVD'S:

Olivier’s Shakespeare

“This story shall the good man teach his son!” Henry V says in his rousing St. Crispin’s Day speech, which is made all the more powerful when performed by Sir Laurence Olivier. In the Criterion Collection’s four disc set Olivier’s Shakespeare, we are treated to three fine adaptations, starring and directed by the legendary stage and screen star.

The first title in the set is 1944’s Henry V. Made during World War II, it was taken on as a patriotic look at English heroism. It begins in a delightful re-creation of a theatre in 1600 and a stage production of the Bard’s version of that particular history. For the first half-hour we watch as this stage play unravels before our very eyes, including a trip behind the curtain where we see the various actors change costume and prepare to go onstage. Before we know it, we are in England, nearing battle.

The middle film of the trio is also the most underrated, Hamlet (1948). Though popular in its day, the film has since been heavily scrutinized by critics, historians and Shakespeare purists. Despite the absence of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and the mere mention of Fortinbras, murder most foul and the actions that follow are well preserved in this black and white version. Olivier and co-writer Alan Dent did a marvelous job by extracting the most important aspects of a very complicated piece and respectfully condensing them to fit within a two and a half-hour film.

The best of the group is the final act, 1955’s Richard III. Playing the role that he is most famous for, in the theatre and on-screen, Olivier plays the mischievous, conniving future king with expert villainy. The double disc Richard III also includes a forty-five minute interview from 1966 featuring Olivier discussing his acting career with theatre critic Kenneth Tynan.

For as great as this set is because of Shakespeare, it is equally great for Olivier. Masterful direction and truthful, human performances accentuate Olivier’s splendid interpretations of the King of England, the Prince of Denmark and the Duke of Gloucester. Here’s hoping that Criterion will take the next logical step and also release a set titled “Kenneth Branagh’s Shakespeare” for those of us who enjoy watching talented filmmakers show us why “the play is the thing.”

David Sayre – Independent filmmaker/essayist

Pulse

Night Interior:

It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and Chris, Jeanne and Richard are cozying up to the coach in order to enjoy the festive and lighthearted Christmas comedy, Pulse. Pulse? Wait, that’s not a Christmas movie. Fuck. I guess I should be happy that at least it’s not Jack Frost and I don’t mean that crappy one with Michael Keaton becoming a snowman. I mean that other crappy one where a snowman comes to life and starts murdering people.

Jeanne: We’re watching Pulse.

Richard: (In the voice of what he thinks James Earl Jones’ sounds like…it sounds more like the voice on Moviefone) Pulse! Naked in bed!

Chris expresses his overwhelming joy at the prospect of watching the masterpiece that is Pulse by getting up and turning on this Hallmark snowman that’s sitting on the TV. The snowman bursts to life at the piano he’s sitting in front of and begins to sing: “Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful…” He continues to sing for like the next eight hours. Seriously, I think this thing can only be shut off with a sledgehammer or a shotgun.

Richard: (Still talking in the weird voice) And it’s Christmas time! And we all love Christmas and after the movie’s over we’re going to open presents. (Richard and Chris have been trying for about a week and a half now to convince Jeanne that it’s time to open presents but like the unmoving Christmas Nazi that she is she has refused to budge, even threatening, at times, to sleep under the tree to be sure that they don’t get the shakes in the middle of the night and start tearing through the presents looking for a fix.)

Jeanne: LIAR! It’s tomorrow.

Richard: (Still in the creepy voice…maybe he’s possessed) Fuck you!

Jeanne: It’s not Christmas! You guys are grinches.

Chris: You’re the grinch.

Richard: Grinchy McGrinch. (As the snowman launches into his third or fourth song) OH, this fucking thing is never going to stop playing!

Chris: (Laughing because he’s the only one that somehow seems to like the never-ending snowman song. I think that this is a sure sign that he bears the mark of the beast.) Just when you thought it was over.

Richard: I hate him. (I think he was talking about the snowman but that could be directed at Chris.)

Jeanne: Chris wanted to get another one of these, too.

Richard: (Still in that weird voice. Maybe this isn’t even Richard. Maybe he’s been abducted by aliens and they’ve replaced him with a humanoid spy who’s supposed to infiltrate our society and prepare for the impending invasion…like that blonde chick from Battlestar Galactica, only not as hot. No offense, Richard, wherever you are.) I want to set them all on fire.

Jeanne: You could have them both going at the same time. Or maybe you could set them up like dominoes so as soon as one finishes the other starts. (I believe that comments like these prove that Jeanne is a Christmas Nazi because she’s not only holding Christmas presents hostage but she’s devised various means of Christmas related torture. Diabolical.) That’d be awesome. Endless music.

Richard: I would kill myself.

Jeanne: (Showing a rare bit of kindness through the hard German veneer.) You know you can turn that off.

Richard: I know, it’s just that it’s all the way up there. (By up there he means about one foot in front of him and a foot and a half up. He wouldn’t even need to stand all the way up. He could probably reach it if he just extended his arm. He’s like those learned helplessness dogs. So sad.)

The snowman finally stops and takes his seat at the piano, turning his head slightly towards where we’re sitting on the couch.

Chris: Look, he turned and like…

Jeanne: Looked at you like, “Touch me and I’ll kill you.”

Richard: I think that he was saying, “Touch me in the morning and just walk away.”

Chris: What?

Richard: It’s a song!

Jeanne: You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Richard: (His voice is back to normal. Or maybe the alien’s voice adaptor has finally settled into the right voice. Hmm... aliens are clever. Maybe it would be best to kill him in a pre-emptive strike.) We love Kristen Bell!

The movie has begun playing. It begins with our adorable Veronica Mars (known to those people who believe that characters on TV also exist in “real life” as Kristen Bell). She’s in a moodily lit apartment at her computer where she types in… Chatroom.com?!

Chris: (Laughing) Chatroom.com!

Jeanne: There’s no…wait, there probably is a “Chatroom.com.”

Richard: (With less confidence in his voice) We love Kristen Bell. She’s stacked like there’s no tomorrow…not really.

Chris: (As the opening titles go by) Ron Rifkin?

Richard: Ron Rifkin.

Chris: That name sounds familiar. Should I know who that is?

Richard: Ron Rifkin? He was the guy—he was like on Alias. He’s like the bad guy on Alias. He was on Alias. He was on Alias. He was in Cabaret on Broadway.

Chris: (Getting all old guys confused) Is he in Lady in the Water?

Richard: No, he wasn’t in Lady in the Water. That’s Bob Balaban. They look a little similar.

Chris, Jeanne and Richard turn back to the TV. What they see isn’t all that exciting.

Richard: (Very sarcastically) I’m sure the Weinsteins are happy with their decision to leave the whole Miramax thing behind. They’ve had nothing but success, haven’t they? Lucky Number Slevin, Feast, Pulse, and Clerks 2. All winners.

Jeanne: Well, one of those was actually a good movie.

Richard: Yeah, Luck Number Slevin rocked but it didn’t do very well. I’ve been preaching its word, though.

Jeanne: Mainly because of Josh Hartnett in a towel.

The movie finally begins. Jonathon Tucker, boyfriend of Kristen Bell’s character, (Yeah, you probably don’t know him and you probably don’t need to. He was in like a “Law & Order” episode or something.) is walking through a very poorly lit and empty college library. You’d think proper lighting would be really important in a place where people go to read.

Richard: (As Veronica Mars’ boyfriend comes onto the screen looking very waxy and pale) Is that Kristen Bell?! She looks like crap, man.

Jeanne: This is her before the sex change.

Richard: (In a sign of bad taste in boys) Oh no, I think that’s that guy who’s hot.

Jeanne: That guy’s not hot.

Richard: It’s that guy that I think is hot that nobody else does. He’s in that movie, The Deep End with Tilda Swinton. He played her teenage son who was having sex with Josh Lucas. (After a long pause) Butt sex.

Jeanne: Thank you for clarifying.

Chris: (He laughs creepily. He’s the only one actually watching the movie and he can see that this ugly guy that Richard thinks is hot for some reason is totally going to get slimed. Oh wait, that was a different ghost in a library movie.) He’s gonna kill him.

Jeanne: He’s not hot.

Chris: (Still the only one actually watching the movie) Oh, dude, there’s a monster…

Richard: (Jeanne and Richard are so caught up in discussing the “hot or not” hotness of this guy that if ghosts suddenly popped out of all of the books in the library and started dancing in a chorus line they would still just keep talking about this kid’s bad hair piece. At least Chris is watching. He can fill them in later.) If you take away this like stupid…

Jeanne: Bad hair.

Richard: Trust me, he’s cute.

As the ugly boyfriend walks up and down the dark and scary library aisles apparently looking for somebody he passes by a creepy, three-hundred-year-old man. Okay, maybe not three hundred but the guy’s very old and very creepy. Maybe he’s just there looking to pick up a trophy wife.

Jeanne: This is not a school.

Chris: I think it’s supposed to be a college campus.

Jeanne: Still...I don’t know. That’s crazy technology.

Richard: Like what class is that old guy in?!

Jeanne: Death 101.

Richard: (Laughs very loudly and sort of sounds like a pirate saying, “Arr.”) Death.

Jeanne: (To Richard) What happened to James Earl Jones?

Richard: James Earl Jones has left the building.

Jeanne: (Referring to the movie…FINALLY…what’s up with these people saying they’re going to review a movie and then talking about some ugly guys hair for an hour. Jeez!) They could invest in like lighting. Like everything’s blue.

Chris: There’s a blue cast on it.

Jeanne: Maybe there’s a blue cast on your mom!

Chris: That was personal. Why’d you have to bring up my mom?

Jeanne: ‘Cause it was funny.

Richard keeps laughing, and laughing, and laughing. Like a drunk little Energizer Bunny.

Jeanne: (About Richard) And he keeps laughing…and I’m not even tickling him.

Chris: Richard’s drunk.

Richard: Stay away from my sweater holes. (Yeah, I think that statements like this pretty much confirm drunkenness or drug use.) Never go into a scary library…

Jeanne: Yeah, why didn’t he go somewhere where there were a lot of people?

Chris: Didn’t we see something like this?

Richard: Yes! And like wherever they walked was light but all around them there was no light. (Hmm…still sounds sort of drunk. Maybe I need to monitor the Mike’s Hard Lemonade.)

Jeanne: What?

Chris: There was something we saw. Something in like a basement library.

Richard: Oh, Jeanne wouldn’t know. It was Cry Wolf.

Jeanne: You guys…’cause you watched it without me…you sons of bitches.

Chris: I think that this is probably the same library.

Richard: I like the tile.

I think when the conversation dissolves into talking about the tile it means that this scene is going on way too fucking long. Dude, we know something big and bad is going to eat this guy so just DO IT already. Or maybe the movie is like an hour of this guy wandering around the library and then at the climax of the movie something finally fucking happens!

Jeanne: (Ever the pragmatist) You wouldn’t be able to read the title of those books in that lighting.

Richard: Maybe he’s making an after hours visit. (As the ugly boyfriend pulls something out of his pocket) Is that a harmonica?

Chris: That’s a flash drive.

Richard: Oh…you crazy kids with your flash drives and your harmonica’s.

So that guy is STILL walking around the library but stuff finally starts to happen. A shelving cart slowly rolls down the aisle, although no one’s pushing it. Books begin to fall off the shelves.

Jeanne: Libraries are creepy; that’s why I want to never read.

Chris: (Trying to warn the ugly boyfriend) Watch out ‘cause there’s going to be like something right there!

Jeanne: I’m gonna jump so don’t laugh at me.

Richard: It’s gonna come from behind like Josh Lucas did in The Deep End.

The ghost finally pops out and jumps on top of the ugly boyfriend. Okay, it wasn’t very scary and that wouldn’t have seemed so bad if there hadn’t been like a 20-fucking-minute buildup.

Richard: Oh my gosh, that was lame.

Jeanne: I didn’t jump. Yeah, that was lame.

Richard: It was like Gollum.

The creepy man/ghost that jumped onto the ugly boyfriend starts sucking his soul out of his body.

Jeanne: It’s like an Aphex Twin video.

Richard: Come to daddy.

Chris: I think it just ate his soul.

The next scene opens with Veronica Mars, a guy with a fro, and Christina Milian—I think that she’s a singer. They talk about stuff. I don’t know. It was sort of boring. Veronica Mars talks about how her ugly boyfriend’s been avoiding her for a week and that they only communicate now via text message. Christina Milian tells Veronica Mars that she should totally break up with ugly boyfriend in the stupidest sentence to hit cinema in years: “If he can’t recognize that you’ve got it going on then you don’t need to be involved with him. Look, it’s raining men right now.”

Chris: (Mocking Chistina Milian) Reckonize!

Richard: Who says, “You’ve got it going on” anymore?

Jeanne: It’s raining men? So that just adds to the gayness…

Richard: That’s true. Yes, Jeanne, it does.

Jeanne: I turned to you when I said that. You could tell ‘cause I look to you for the gay history.

Richard: I’m the gay historian.

Chris: Is that your byline like when you’re on the news and they’re consulting you for something? “Richard Sayre, Gay Historian.”

Another scene and Veronica Mars is being walked home by one of her friends. The city is creepily deserted.

Chris: (Wielding his famous power to curse celebrities into early graves) That guy’s gonna die early!

Jeanne: Because he’s unlikable.

Richard: Aww…he’s likable. He was on “ “Freaks and Geeks”.”

Chris: Because he’s shy and awkward.

Richard: Aww…He’s a geek.

Chris: And because he’s a friend. He’s firmly in the friend zone.

Jeanne: You’re firmly in the friend zone.

Chris: Your mom’s in the friend zone.

Richard suddenly laughs very loudly and snorts. Apparently, Chris is too funny for his own good. He almost choked Richard without even touching him.

Richard: (criticizing Veronica Mars’ room décor) She has a Chicago poster on her wall.

Jeanne: She’s lame.

Richard: Of Renee Zellweger…gerr…gur…ger

Jeanne: Schwarzenegger? What did you just say?

Richard: (Laughing like the crazy man that he is) Renee Zellweger…

Veronica Mars listens to her answering machine and hears a message from her ugly boyfriend. Veronica Mars takes out her cell phone and dials up her ugly boyfriend. Maybe they can upgrade from text sex to phone sex. Before you know it maybe they’ll even be up to Webcam sex.

Jeanne: She’s got my phone.

Richard: (To Veronica Mars) Bitch, give Jeanne back her phone. (I think that he’ll regret calling her a bitch once he sobers up and she beats the shit out of him ‘cause Veronica Mars is a badass and could totally take him.)

Chris: I don’t think you want to see what’s gonna happen… I bet bad things are gonna happen with the phone. It’s a haunted phone!

As Veronica Mars leaves a message on her ugly boyfriend’s answering machine the camera pans around his apartment.

Richard: His apartment’s kind of dirty. (But the real question is, is his apartment dirty because he’s a boy or because he’s a freaky soulless ghost?)

Jeanne: I think his whole apartment twitches.

Richard: His apartment is twitchy. Like me.

Jeanne: (As the tape recorder slips off her knee and toward her lady parts) Ah!

Richard: And the tape recorder dropped into Jeanne’s nether-regions.

Jeanne: You wish you dropped into my nether-regions. Wasn’t it earlier today that you were talking about marketing my nether-regions?

Richard: If you got into porn we could make so much money.

Jeanne: WE?

Veronica Mars goes to class. Her class is boring and the teacher just talks a lot about “the others” and I don’t think he means Lost so I’m just confused. She meets up with her friends after class and they talk about stuff. Man, was I this boring in college? Someone give these kids a bottle of Jaegermeister. The guy with the fro starts talking about how the ugly boyfriend set up his cell phone so that every minute that he uses he gets credited for two. Pretty cool. This is when we learn that the ugly boyfriend is some kind of computer whiz kid. Maybe that’s why he prefers having sex through text messages. Maybe that’s just some new geek thing. Chris would know. He’s geeky.

Veronica Mar’s splits from her friends and heads over to her ugly boyfriend’s apartment. The place is creepy and quiet and fucking disgusting. He needs to get his ghost buddies to start helping out around the house. This is worse than a frat house…or a “Real World” house and that’s full of STD’s as well as dirty dishes.

Richard: (Jokingly, I hope) Sometimes I put my hands in my armpits like this and then I smell them.

Jeanne: (Unfortunately, not joking) Sometimes you touch your nipples a lot.

Richard: That’s usually because I’m like, “Wow I’m really cold. My nipples are this hard.”

Jeanne: You know how I normally tell that I’m cold? I feel cold!

Richard: I have very sensitive nipples. (Jeanne reaches for them) Don’t Touch Them!

Jeanne: I’m trying to get you used to what’ll happen to you in the porn industry.

Richard: No. No porn for Richard.

Jeanne: I don’t know. We’d make a lot of money.

As Veronica Mars’ investigates her ugly boyfriend’s apartment she finds all sorts of things that would have totally made me run out screaming. She finds roaches in the trash all over the place and maggots in the old food. Seriously, Veronica, this is from one girl to another, you are too pretty for this. Find a mirror, reconfirm this to yourself, look over at the ugliness that is this boy living with maggots and go find yourself a hot young thing. But no, Veronica Mars stays until ugly boyfriend steps out from behind one of the weird plastic tarps hanging around his apartment where he’s been hiding and watching Veronica Mars’ the whole time she’s been there. He looks dirty and creepy. He tells Veronica to stay where she is while he wanders creepily into a back room.

Richard: Veronica Mars’ wouldn’t be this stupid. She’d be like, “No, I’m not going to stay there, I’m going to go investigate.”

While Veronica Mars’ stays put the sound of a cat crying nearby becomes louder. She starts looking around and finds a very scary-looking, dying cat in the closet. It looks like something from Labyrinth. Wow, this chick’s got some fucked up taste in men. Upon seeing the dead cat she gets up the courage to go looking for ugly boyfriend. She looks into the room where he went and she sees him hanging from the ceiling. Yikes. She’s totally damaged goods now.

The next scene opens with Veronica Mars’ in a shrink’s office. Chris still insists that the old guy playing her shrink is the guy from Lady in the Water but Richard reassures him that it’s not. It’s just that all old guys look alike.

Jeanne: It’s kind of like how Ugly Hunter and Andy Samberg might as well be the same person.

Richard: You know how like Lily has several old guy crushes? Well, I always find Ron Rifkin very charismatic. And like if he was in my store or something and was like, “You want to go out,” I’d be like, “Yeah, Ron Rifkin. Why not?”

Jeanne: That’s just because you want his money.

Chris: I don’t know if he has much. He’s in this movie.

The next scene shows Veronica Mars’ at home and back on the awesome chatroom.com with her friends. Suddenly the screen fills up with “Help Me” over and over and over again.

Jeanne: He’s alive…inside the computer.

Richard: It’s like The Ghost and the Machine.

Chris: They’re all seeing it.

Jeanne: It’s like Lawnmower Man.

Chris: That was a terrible, terrible movie.

Veronica Mars and her friends get together the next day to discuss the weirdness and they decide that there must be a computer virus infecting her ugly boyfriend’s computer. She asks the guy with the fro to stop by his apartment and log off his computer.

Richard: I don’t want to see that cat again.

Chris: I’m sure that his electricity has been turned off or something.

Richard: And the roaches…

Jeanne: You would think somebody would have repossessed…doesn’t he have family?

The guy with the fro reaches the apartment but doesn’t have a key. Dude, this is your chance to turn around and not die. No, of course, he doesn’t listen to me. Instead he decides to climb through the small window over the door. Way to make it really hard for you to leave when you’re gonna need to.

Jeanne: Dude, get a key! What if you can’t get out ‘cause there could be like a lock on the door?

Richard: I don’t think that he’s getting out regardless.

Chris: Yes he is! He has to warn the others.

Richard: No!

Chris: He goes back to warn the others.

The guy with the fro looks around and sees the ugly boyfriends desk still there but there’s no longer a computer there. Damn, you got punk’d! So now, when he should tuck tail and get the fuck out of there he decides to explore. Because that’s what stupid people do before they die in scary movies. He walks back to the bedroom and sees that the window is covered entirely in red masking tape. Where do you even get red masking tape?

Jeanne: Dude, when you walk in a room and you hear voices everywhere, fucking leave!

Richard: Maybe he just always hears voices anyway so he just thinks they’re like new ones.

The camera shifts so that we can see behind the guy with the fro and we see a creepy pale woman coming out of the shadows. Yeah, this guy’s totally not going to make it out to warn the others.

Richard: What is that? It’s Gollum in a dress.

Jeanne: It’s a hot dead chick. I don’t even know if she’s hot. She’s probably not hot.

Richard: Most dead chicks are hot.

Jeanne: She doesn’t look too hot.

Richard: I’d say most chicks are even hotter when they’re dead.

The guy with the fro runs and tries to hide between the bed and the wall. He seems to be a firm believer in the “I can’t see you so you can’t see me” philosophy. I was into that once, too. Oh, pre-school. Those were the days. Unfortunately, as most of us found out, when he looks up the chick is on top of the bed looking down at him and then she totally eats his soul. Sucks for him.

The next day Veronica Mars and Christina Milian are talking when they realize that they still haven’t heard back from that guy with the fro that they hang out with sometimes. Great friends. They give him a call but he sounds weird and distant but they don’t really notice.

Veronica Mars goes to the apartment herself and finds a woman cleaning everything out. She looks around but the computer’s nowhere to be seen. She hassles the lady about it until she finally caves and confesses that she sold it because ugly boyfriend was way behind in his rent. Hey, I’m with you lady. Sometimes a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do. She does give Veronica Mars the address of the guy who bought the computer. When Veronica arrives there we find out that the guy is Boone from Lost.

Richard: He’s hot.

Jeanne: He’s not really that hot.

Richard: You know what, he’s very pretty. Look at him. Pretty.

Jeanne: He looks sort of like if Wes Bentley had sex with Rob Lowe…and they had a child.

Richard: I wish. I wish Wes Bentley would have sex with Rob Lowe…and it was on video…and it was free to whoever wanted to see it…and it was on TV 24 hours a day. (Editor’s Note: I concur.)

Upon confronting Boone about the computer and demanding he stop harassing her and her friends using her ugly boyfriends name Boone reveals that the computer is sitting in his trunk. Burn. You’re totally wrong on this one Veronica Mars.

Richard: You guys were right in telling me that I shouldn’t go see this movie in the theater but that I should wait for it to come out on Netflix.

Jeanne: Yeah, it’s not very good.

Chris: I’m always right, Richard.

Jeanne: (calling it) I bet the Wes Bentley/Rob Lowe guy and Veronica Mars are going to make it to the end and try and save each other because they’re the only hot characters in the entire movie so they’re totally going to have to fall in love.

After Veronica Mars’ leaves, Boone decides to hook up the haunted computer to see what all of the fuss is about. Once he turns it on, text comes up onto the monitor that says, “Do you want to meet a ghost.” He chooses “yes.” The screen begins to show him Webcam images of different people at their computers. It flashes through several people before stopping for a minute on a guy who then puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The scene cuts over to Veronica Mars. She’s just received a package in the mail that was sent from her ugly boyfriend two days before he hung himself. Inside it is several rolls of the red masking tape and a note that says, “It keeps them out. Don’t know why.”

Later that day, Boone finds Veronica and asks her to come back to his house because he wants to show her something. After several jokes about him showing what’s in his pants the gang starts paying attention again. Boone shows her the Webcam videos. Boone confronts her about her ugly boyfriend. He wants to know why her boyfriend would have stuff like this on his computer. Veronica tells him about how he suddenly hanged himself. Boone tells her that he tried to erase the hard drive but it wouldn’t let him. Veronica is freaked out but rather than being the spunky little investigator that she normally is she decides to just fucking take off.

Jeanne: This is not a good Christmas movie. You know what’s a good Christmas movie?

Chris: Black Christmas?

Jeanne: Elf.

Richard: It’s a Wonderful Life?

Jeanne: Elf.

Richard: Christmas in Connecticut?

Jeanne: Elf.

There’s a weird bathtub scene where a ghost head is under the water in the bathtub while Veronica Mars is bathing. She screams, looks again, and sees a sponge floating in the water. Hmm…ghost or no ghost?

The next scene has that guy from “Freaks and Geeks” at a computer. The question “Do you want to meet a ghost?” comes up. Like a dumbass, he picks yes. The computer flashes some images and then shows his friend with the fro. Woooo…creepy.

Cut over to Veronica Mars. She’s in a stall in the ladies restroom. She begins to hear creepy whispers. She leans and puts her ear to the wall of the stall. The camera moves between the stalls to reveal that on the other side of that wall is the creepy gollum ghost.

Jeanne: Dude, Leave! Go to a populated place.

Richard: (For some reason Richard thinks that Jeanne has decided to yell this at him. I don’t know why she’d be telling him to go to a populated place but whatever. Richard’s crazy…or drunk…or both.) Why? (As he realizes that Jeanne was talking to Veronica Mars and not him) Oh, her!

Jeanne: Yeah…

Chris: (laughing) Richard, get the fuck out of here!

Richard: I’m sorry guys! I’ll try to be funnier!

The guy from “Freaks and Geeks” goes to the apartment of the guy with the fro. It’s about sometime that someone visited that guy. His friends suck. The guy from “Freaks and Geeks” finds the guy with the fro halfway through being absorbed into the wall. He’s screaming about how he couldn’t kill himself and asking his friend to do it for him. His friend just stares while the guy with the fro gets sucked the rest of the way into the wall, leaving just a black smear in the vague shape of a person. The guy from “Freaks and Geeks” rushes home and starts taping everything up with red tape. Good call, dude. Unfortunately, he runs out just before he finishes taping around the door. Sucks to be you. But then he does a super dumb thing. He peels the red tape back from the peephole to, you know, just take a little look and see if any ghosts have noticed that he’s there. Of course they have! So as he looks out a ghost in the hall dives through and the glass in the peephole shatters. Dude, when it’s life or death make sure that you bought enough fucking tape!

Veronica Mars, still trying to pretend that it’s all just make believe, is at her computer at home. She unplugs it and turns the monitor around to face the wall. Unfortunately, ghosts fucking hate being on time out. Her printer suddenly starts printing. She takes the pages that come out and arranges them on the floor. They vaguely shape out a ghostly face. She gasps.

Jeanne: Technology is bad. Look what you’ve done, Al Gore, by inventing the Internets.

Richard: Are you saying it’s bad that he invented the Internet because of all the stuff that’s happening or are you saying it’s bad he invented the Internet because it inspired this movie?

Jeanne: Both.

Jeanne: (Referring to Veronica Mars taking the time to assemble the creepy papers that she knows already were sent by evil ghosts) Why is she putting it together when she’s trying to avoid it. She already knows it’s going to be a picture of something evil.

Richard: She’s compulsive.

After seeing the creepy face, Veronica Mars rushes into the waiting arms of Boone. He starts to show her just how fucked up her ugly boyfriend was. Apparently, he was stockpiling computer viruses to make him feel like a badass. Boone then shows her a video diary that ugly boyfriend kept on his computer and addressed to a man named Ziegler. He explains that he hacked into Ziegler’s computer and downloaded a virus but, in doing so, he apparently let something very bad loose. He can’t seem to contain it himself. In a later entry he says that Ziegler emailed him back and he thinks that he found a way to stop the virus. He set up a meeting with Ziegler in the school library. Dude, next time you’re going to exchange heavily important stuff do it at a fucking Starbucks where you’re guaranteed to be surrounded by 800 other people and it’s unlikely a ghost is gonna take you out.

Richard: That’s where we saw him at the beginning, guys.

A later diary shows ugly boyfriend after the library attack. He says that he feels like it took something from him. Ziegler has stopped replying to his emails. Plus, he looks like shit.

Christina Milian is in the very creepy basement laundry room. The chick that was in there with her is super antisocial and she rushes out of there as soon as she can. Christina Milian seems pretty oblivious to the creepiness of her situation. One of the washing machine doors comes open. Wet clothes start flinging out of it one by one. This is when anyone else would scream and run out of there as quickly as possible while the ghost was pre-occupied with clothes throwing. But no, Christina Milian stares at the machine and then walks toward it to peak inside. To reward her curiosity a fucking weird four-legged bald man comes crawling out of the machine toward her.

Richard: It’s like a bald guy with like nine legs.

Jeanne: He was looking for a pair of pants that would fit.

Boone is still looking at creepy shit on his computer. How has this guy not gotten eaten yet? All he does is sit, alone in the dark, in front of a bunch of computer screens! It’s totally ‘cause he’s pretty. He’s looking at the ugly boyfriend’s computer and he finds, inside of the computer, covered by red tape, a flash drive with the antivirus!

Back at home, Veronica Mars looks in on her roommate, Christina Milian. She sees the covers pulled all of the way up on the bed but there’s a human shaped lump underneath them.

Richard: She’s in bed.

Chris: She’s trying to masturbate.

Jeanne: Very quietly.

Veronica Mars pulls back the sheet and sees her friend looking like crap. She looks like she just got into a street fight with Tyson. Her face and body have black splotches all over them like bruises. Veronica Mars brings her out to the living room and tries to call 911. Her friend tells her that the ghosts want what they don’t have anymore. They want life. While she’s on hold with 911, her friend stands up, says, cryptically, “It’s time.” and then scatters into ashes that whirl around the room.

Chris: That wasn’t really like a suicide.

Jeanne: Yeah, you can’t, like, force yourself to break apart.

Veronica Mars turns to the only other person that she can be sure is still safe…Boone, the only other hot person in the flick. She calls him and tells him that her roommate is dead. She tells him she’s packing a bag and she wants him to come pick her up. He agrees. In spite of the danger lurking around every corner, Veronica Mars actually does pack an overnight bag…like she’s going to a fucking sleepover or something.

Chris: (As Veronica Mars takes off the t-shirt she was wearing that’s now covered in her friend.) Yeah, take off your shirt.

Jeanne: Don’t bother putting another one on; just get the fuck out.

Richard: I agree.

Jeanne: (Growing angry at Veronica Mars for wasting important running away time by making sure she packed her favorite stuffed bunny and pajama bottoms) You don’t need a toothbrush! (Jeanne also hates dental hygiene.) Seriously, do you need that shit when it’s life or death? Just get like a taser and run outside. (Taser? who the fuck does Jeanne think that they’re fighting? I don’t think that you can taser dead people.)

Chris: Good dental hygiene is always important.

Jeanne: Not when you’re dead.

Chris: Especially when you’re dead. That’s when your teeth get all rotten.

Veronica runs downstairs, with her sleepover bag, and jumps into Boone’s car. He tells her that they’re going to go see Ziegler. If anyone can do something to stop this it’s him. In the warm and fuzzy moment when Veronica Mars exclaims, “We’re going to shut it down!” Their car suddenly gets sideswiped. Jeanne totally jumps.

Richard: Oh, no you’re not! Oh my gosh.

Chris: Jeanne jumped.

Jeanne: I did.

Richard: I saw that shit coming from a mile away, yo.

Chris: Literally, they showed the car coming…

Veronica Mars and Boone are okay but their car is wrecked and that stupid bag that Veronica Mars spent so much time packing is gone, too. They run into some other people on the street who warn them that they need to get as far away from the cities as possible and stay away from cell phones, computers and all other technology. So it looks like everyone’s going to be moving to West Virginia since that’s like the only technological dead zone left.

Richard: Amish country! We’re going to Pennsylvania!

They reach Ziegler’s apartment and burst through the door. The whole apartment is covered in red tape. Ziegler pops out of the closet and freaks out on them. He slams the door shut screaming that they’re going to let them in. He begins to re-tape around the door to keep the ghosties out. He starts telling them about what it is that ugly boyfriend opened up. He says that it was a telecomm project that he’d been working on. Super wide-band. They found frequencies that they never knew existed. Apparently, those frequencies were full of dead people. He explains that the red tape blocks out the frequency that they exist on so they can be kept out of a room but he couldn’t stop them from spreading. When they get a hold of you they suck out your will to live.

Richard: Like watching Just My Luck or Crash.

Once you’ve lost your will to live your body starts dying around you until you turn into just ash. Boone tells him about the virus that ugly boyfriend created to take them down. It’s configured to Ziegler’s system. Ziegler breaks the news that, of course, his computer system is located in the basement of the building. Dude, could you get any creepier. Ziegler, the pessimist, tells him that it doesn’t matter if they make it or not because the virus may not work. Boone and Veronica Mars bolt with a complete disregard for Ziegler’s tape. He shuts the door as quickly as he can and begins taping again.

Chris: That doesn’t really explain the dying cat.

Richard: It sucked the will to live out of the cat.

Jeanne: Maybe he just stopped feeding his cat because he’d lost the will to live.

Richard: Or maybe the cat saw Crash.

Boone and Veronica Mars race towards the elevator to the basement. Along the way two creepy twin ghost boys separate them. Veronica Mars is already in the elevator and Boone, not being able to get past the ghosts, tells her to go without him. The doors close and suddenly getting inside a little box with no way out seems like a bad idea.

Chris: Forever and ever and ever…

The lights go off and the elevator comes to a halt between floors. Didn’t she remember that in case of emergency you’re supposed to take the stairs? Luckily for Veronica Mars the elevator goes back to normal and takes her to the basement. She’s walking down a long creepy hallway.

Chris: Run faster…or run at all maybe. Power walk?

Jeanne: It’s best to go at an anxious stroll.

As she reaches the room with the computer she comes face to face with gollum. He totally starts sucking the life out of her and it gives her some trippy dreams of her ugly boyfriend killing himself. Boone shows up just in time to pull her away from gollum. For some reason gollum doesn’t follow or anything. Boone decides that he needs to try and shut down the system still. He walks out toward the computer. There are ghostly whispers all over the place. He makes it to the computer and uploads the virus but after shutting down the system totally reboots itself. Ugly boyfriend sucks. His virus has failed mankind. Boone and Veronica Mars just start fucking running.

Chris: Where are they gonna go?

Jeanne: Run somewhere where there’s no WiFi…to Amish country.

The ghosts don’t seem all that keen on giving chase. Once outside, a jetliner comes crashing down over their heads. Boone hotwires a car, ‘cause everyone and they’re grandmother can hotwire a car in the movies, and he and Veronica Mars drive away from their world of cell phones and blackberries and towards their future of butter churns and horse buggies.

The next scene shows their car at night, although it seems like it’s always been night in this and when it wasn’t night it was a very dark blue day, parked on the side of the road. They’re sleeping inside.

Jeanne: I told you they’d make it ‘cause they have to make pretty babies. But something bad’s gonna happen ‘cause this is a bad movie.

Richard: Like his sperm was infected.

Jeanne: They’re parked directly underneath wires, though. Why didn’t they just off-road to West Virginia ‘cause you don’t even get cell phone reception there. I bet all of West Virginia’s safe. When all of the rest of the country’s gone, West Virginia will repopulate the Earth.

Veronica Mars wakes up. She turns on the radio (apparently dead people don’t travel on the radio waves) and hears a military broadcast saying that they are establishing safe zones in the countryside, away from the cities. The camera pans to the dashboard where dumb fucking Veronica Mars’ cell phone is sitting and turned on. Dude! Why would you bring that shit?

Jeanne: You brought your cell phone!?

Richard: You brought a conduit for the invasion.

Veronica Mars, seeing her cell phone, picks it up and opens it. Okay, this is when a smarter person would have fucking stomped on that shit until it was pieces. She stares at the phone, which says no service. She stares at it until, of course, suddenly a bar pops up and immediately after a many armed or legged or something ghost pops out of nowhere onto the roof of the car and starts trying to grab at them. Boone wakes up and throws the car into drive. They drive until they’re out of signal range and then the ghost disappears. Veronica Mars, finally wising up, tosses her cell phone out of the window and she and Boone keep on driving until they reach one of the safe zones. The movie ends with a voiceover from Veronica Mars talking about how, although technology was created as a tool to bring people together, in the end, it was technology that tore everyone apart. That’s deep. And if you’re movie weren’t so crappy maybe people would have appreciated the meaningful statement about society that you were trying to convey.

However, I’m pretty sure that Richard still thought that it was better than Crash.

The Saturday Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:

Jeanne Lopez, Cookie Monster

Rick Sayre, Pop-Culture Critic

Christopher Wilson, Vampire Hunter.

BOOKS:

Cash: The Autobiography by Johnny Cash, with Patrick Carr

“June said she knew me—knew the kernel of me, deep inside, beneath the drugs and deceit and despair and anger and selfishness, and knew my loneliness. She said she could help me. She said we were soul mates, she and I, and that she would fight for me with all her might, however she could. She did that by being my companion, friend, and lover, and by praying for me (June is a prayer warrior like none I’ve none), but also by waging total war on my drug habit. If she found my pills, she flushed them down the toilet. And find them if she did; she searched for them, relentlessly. If I didn’t like that and said so, I had a fight on my hands. If I disappeared on her, she’d get Marshall or Fluke or someone else in the crew to go find me in the wee hours of the morning and coax me back to bed. If I’d been up for days until I’d finally had the sense to take a handful of sleeping pills and crash—there was always an instinct telling me when to do that, pointing to the line between “almost” “fatal”—I’d wake up from a sleep like death to find that my drugs, all my drugs, no matter how ingeniously I’d hidden them, were gone.

She gave up only once, in the mid-‘60s in the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. By that time I was totally reduced—I hate the term “wasted”—and it’s incomprehensible to me how I kept walking around, how my brain continued to function. I was nothing but leather and bone; there was nothing in my heart but loneliness; there was nothing between me and my God but distance. 

I don’t know what exactly brought her to the point of leaving me. I’d been up for three or four days and I’d been giving her a really hard time, but that wasn’t unusual. I guess there’d just been too much of it for her. She had set out to save me and she thought she’d failed. We had adjoining rooms; she came into mine and said, “I’m going. I can’t handle this anymore. I’m going to tell Saul that I can’t work with you anymore. It’s over.”

I knew immediately that she wasn’t kidding. I really didn’t want her to go, so I went straight out of my room and into hers, gathered up her suitcase and all her clothes—everything, her shoes included (she was barefoot)—and took them back into my room. Then I pushed her out and locked my door. That should do it, I thought. All she had on was a towel.

I could hear her crying in her room for a long time, but eventually she came knocking on my door. She promised not to leave if I gave back her clothes, and I believed her, so I did. And through all the trials to come, before and after she became my wife, she never tried to leave again.”

- An excerpt from Cash: The Autobiography by Johnny Cash, with Patrick Carr

All of my life I have been a collector of quotes—I would write them in my journals, on my walls, on my school notebooks, and there were particular phrases that would always remain at the forefront of my brain, ready to serve their purpose at a later date. One of my oft used and chewed upon quotes comes from the Coen Bros. 1990 film Miller’s Crossing: “Nobody knows anybody. Not that well.” It is a line that has crossed my mind many times throughout the years, and it is the first thing that I thought of when I began reading Johnny Cash’s second autobiography, written in the late ‘90s, Cash.

A deep layer of mystery veiled so much of what made Johnny Cash famous—his on-stage persona, his addictions, his rage, his music, his voice, his faith, his love affair with June Carter and his predilection toward the color black. No matter how many times you thought you had him figured out, he’d turn around and surprise you once again. There have been so many stories written about him, some true but most of them false, that it is hard to know where the persona “Cash,” as June famously called it, ended and where Johnny or J.R. really began.

I can’t say that after reading this book that I felt like I knew the real Johnny Cash; only those who actually had the privilege to do so can claim that honor. But I can say that this is one of the rare autobiographies that is impossible to put down. James Mangold’s Walk the Line only briefly touched upon the story of Johnny Cash; the film is the Cliffs notes equivalent to the real thing, and Cash is as good a storyteller as there has ever been.

In 1975, Cash released his first autobiography, Man in Black: His Own Story in His Own Words, and in this second volume Cash recounts the events following that year. He shares intimate details about his family, his relationship with June and the battles that they faced together, and the plethora of friendships that have shaped his life. With sincerity, honesty and grace, Cash talks at length about his addiction to painkillers and amphetamines (the man relapsed many times in his life, something that isn’t widely known), his love of music both old and new (who knew that he liked Metallica?), and his joyous and constant faith in God and humanity. There are many interesting and bizarre anecdotes peppered throughout the book, especially when he recounts the time when he was nearly killed by an ostrich, but what is most memorable is the naked truth that every word is propelled by.

Whether Cash is talking about his friendship with Billy Graham, working with Rick Rubin or describing the lives of all of his grandchildren, godchildren and extended family members, there is an unbridled passion that somehow always seeps through. I knew going into this book that Johnny Cash was a man like no other, but I never knew just how admirable a man he really was. He never tried to be anything but himself, both on-stage and off—and that in itself is an incredible feat when you consider what he did for a living. He really was a paradox—always a sinner and a saint—but more importantly, he was a man, flesh and bone, who never forgot where he came from or why he was here…and neither will we.

Lily Percy - Editor

MUSIC:

Breaking & Entering Soundtrack – Underworld and Gabriel Yared

Those that don’t know me too well are probably unaware that Underworld forms a part of that very select list of “My Top Bands of all Time.” They are definitely my favorite Electronica band, and without a doubt one of the best concerts I have ever been to.

Released at the end of October in the U.K. and at the beginning of December in the U.S., the Breaking & Entering soundtrack still remains fairly unnoticed. Of course that is probably due to the fact that Anthony Minghella’s latest film was just released a week ago here in the U.S. As with most soundtracks, their success falls mainly on how well the movie does, so we shall have to see if Breaking & Entering will cause a stir among a group of outstanding films released this year.

Regardless of how well the movie does, you should definitely give the soundtrack a listen. Now, Underworld is no stranger to soundtracks, being that they have achieved their biggest exposure by using the genre to their advantage. Most famous for the Trainspotting soundtrack, Underworld has contributed a hit song to nearly all of Danny Boyle’s films. Breaking & Entering, however, marks the first time that they go behind the scenes and actually create original songs for a soundtrack. Academy award winner Gabriel Yared is also no stranger to soundtracks—his award winning compositions for over 86 film soundtracks include: Cold Mountain, Sylvia, The Talented Mr. Ripley, City of Angels and The English Patient (my personal favorite), just to name a few. He has become part of a selected group of composers that shape the way we listen to the movies.

Both Underworld and Gabriel Yared have contributed to the creation of a sound whose end result is a mix of textured layers filled with soaring string arrangements and just a hint of the percussive, bass driven creations that have made Underworld pioneers in their field. In the words of Anthony Minghella: “Witnessing Gabriel, Karl and Rick in a room together was a revelation. Musicians instinctively understand each other through playing together, and some early sessions at Abbey Road, of experiment and investigation, led to a growing mutual respect and a great deal of pleasure. A contract of generosity was established. Underworld found a new, if temporary, member. Gabriel discovered two co-composers who offered a thoroughly modern perspective on his process. For all their apparent differences, they were completely relaxed in the studio.”

Artist Website: http://www.dirty.org/underworld/

Juan Marcos Percy – Importer/Exporter

G. Love’s Lemonade - G. Love & featured friends

The New Year should be a time of abundant celebration and no better a way to take part than while relishing in a good, vibrant brew. Courtesy of soul-funk master G. Love and his friends, G. Love’s Lemonade is a Philly-fresh compilation that will have you groovin’ to the beats that keep your funky citrus jonesin’ for the summer, six months in advance. This album is the surfboard to get you there, floating in the style of a tangerine umbrella spiking your life with all that’s good and reckless.

“Can’t Go Back to Jersey,” with Love’s harmonica hollaback and wordplay just doesn’t stop. Love is equal parts saucy server-upper and heartened soother. A smorgasbord of Kool-Aid packets keeps the songs stirring in eclectic, pulp-enriched patterns. Lemonade is homemade, in an easy to please pitcher, hoping you’ll sing along. Featuring friends Special Sauce, Blackalicious, Lateef the Truth Speaker, Tristan Prettyman, Marc Broussard, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper and Jasper, there couldn’t be a more talented family lineup of progressive beat-breaking, trailblazing artists of today.

“Let the Music Play” featuring righteous Harper and Cajun-spice Broussard, “Beautiful,” a duet with fresh SoCal singer-songwriter Tristan Prettyman and “Rainbow,” highlighting blissful islander Jack Johnson, prove that G. Love’s collaboration with pals is where the sugar lies crystalline, commencing the active harmonizing. “Breakin’ Up” is his best solo vocal performance and paints an excellent self-portrait. Lemonade is his chunk of the sidewalk, and will preserve saunter in any season.

Jehan Mondal – Staff Music Critic

George Benson & Al Jarreau – Givin’ It Up

I jumped for joy when I found out that two of my favorite jazz artists, George Benson and Al Jarreau, were getting together to record an album.  I thought to myself, “Finally!  What took so long?”  Scheduling most likely.  I wouldn’t be surprised if industry and label politics prevented these two from pairing sooner.  But the good news is, it’s a match made in heaven.  Their collaborative effort Givin’ It Up is the ultimate pairing of these two iconic figures.

Givin’ It Up is a 13-track set of cover and original songs.  Benson and Jarreau, both being jazz artists who’ve had mainstream success doing jazz-inflected R&B/Soul and Pop music, deliver an album that often switches between straight ahead jazz, smooth jazz, and R&B/Soul and Pop music with a jazz influence.  They begin the set by reinterpreting each other’s songs.  Jarreau tackles Benson’s “Breezin’” while Benson tackles Jarreau’s “Mornin.’” Similar to his version of Brubeck’s “Take Five,” Jarreau adds lyrics that fit perfectly with the Benson classic.  Jarreau’s smooth delivery complements Benson’s guitar playing wonderfully.  Benson turns Jarreau’s “Mornin’” into a beautiful instrumental that paints a glorious picture of the start of a new day.  Benson’s masterful guitar playing sings and emotes, giving the same tender feeling as Jarreau’s version. 

Benson and Jarreau are joined by several industry luminaries on this release.  Jill Scott exchanges vocals with Benson whil