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M. Night Shyamalan’s
The Happening
Stuff Happens!
The title sequence. Clouds and stuff.
Chris: The sky got darker. It happened.
Two blonde chicks on a bench in Central Park. Someone screams. They see
people clawing at themselves. A guy starts walking backward while others
just stand in place. One of the blonde chicks seems frozen. She snaps
out long enough to say, “What page was I on? Page…page…” Then she rams a
large hair stick into her throat.
Chris: That reminds me, I have to kill
myself…page.
Elsewhere in NYC. A construction site and a man falls. The other workers
rush over and call for an ambulance.
Richard: Who’s Christ McKenzie?
Chris: He said “Christ, McKenzie fell.”
Suddenly another man hits. A worker looks up and sees people walking off
of the top of the site and falling to their deaths.
Next scene opens on Mark Wahlberg teaching a class. Lots of “Say hello
to your mother for me” jokes go around. Richard hasn’t seen the “SNL”
skit so we pause and show it to him. Then we show him the Mark Wahlberg
rebuttal. Laughs all around. Seriously though, Andy Samberg’s impression
is spot on. Every sentence that Wahlberg speaks ends with his voice
going up a little and no matter what he says I hear him saying, “Hello
Donkey. Say hello to your mother for me.”
A principal or something interrupts his class in the middle of him
asking his students why all the bees are dying. All the teachers are
gathered in the auditorium and are told that there’s been a terrorist
attack in Central Park. They’re releasing the students out into the
streets.
The film ominously lingers on a quote on the chalkboard: “If the bee
were to disappear off the face of the globe then man would only have
four years of life left.” – Einstein.
John Leguizamo is also a teacher. I find that hard to believe. I saw
Spawn.
Mark Wahlberg gets home to his wife (we deem her too good for him),
Zooey Deschanel. A news report talks about the toxin. It causes you to
kill yourself.
Richard: I think that she’s playing a role where
she’s not as adorable as she usually is.
Chris: I think it’s her hair. She has very big
hair.
Zooey, Mark, and Leguizamo all meet at a train station to head out and,
I guess, get as far from NY as they can. Zooey and Leguizamo have weird
tension. Jeanne and Richard decide that they’re having an affair
together. Either that or Mark Wahlberg is having an affair with him.
Chris: That’s a small train.
Richard: That’s what she said.
Chris: That doesn’t make any sense, Richard.
Shots of Philadelphia. A cop and a taxi driver chat in traffic. That’s
hard enough to believe. Then everyone stops walking. It’s Happening! A
little doggy runs away. The cop shoots himself. The taxi driver gets
out, gets the gun, and shoots himself. A lady with major cankles walks
over and shoots herself, too.
Word gets to the main three characters on the train that Philadelphia’s
been attacked. It started in a park. Parks are rising up from their
years of enslavement, forced to pleasure the ungrateful masses and are
now striking back! Our blood will feed their roots!
The train suddenly stops in Filbert, PA. It will be the last stop.
Wahlberg harasses the train conductor until he admits that they lost
contact with Mission Control or whatever it is that directs trains so
they’re stopped. Mark Wahlberg actually says, “We’re in a small town.
Nothing will happen in a small town.” Does this guy get
to the movies at all? He starts trying to talk to John Leguizamo’s
little girl by talking about auras and moods and stuff.
Richard: He’s wearing a mood ring. He’s a science
teacher wearing a mood ring.
Chris: More importantly, he’s a 40-year-old man
wearing a mood ring.
A woman sitting next to them pulls out her iPhone to show them a video
she received. It’s a zoo worker who chooses his suicide method to be
death by lion enclosure. He sort of pokes around near the lions until
one grabs his arm and magically pulls it off at the elbow. He sticks out
his remaining arm toward another lion who gladly grabs it and also
magically yanks it off at the elbow. I’ve watched enough Discovery
channel to know that is not how lions kill shit! They go for the throat.
I’ve never seen them pull the legs off of a gazelle for the fuck of it.
Everyone from the train is huddled in a diner watching the TV reports of
the terrorism spreading across the northeast. One guy asks where they
are on that map. The diner guy says, “Right in the middle!” Everyone
panics. Someone says that it’s not happening 90 miles from where they
all are so they should go there. Mass exodus. I don’t understand. It’s
clearly not happening right the fuck where they are so why don’t they
stay there!!! Ugh.
Richard: We’re all gonna die some day, dude.
So suddenly every single person—except our main characters—has a car.
Did they miss the line at the rental car place when every other person
from the train got a car? Wahlberg finds a guy going to a farm that will
take them. John Leguizamo decides to go alone in a jeep that’s heading
to where his wife was at when they left. He ditches his daughter with
Wahlberg and Zooey. There’s weirdness between Leguizamo and Deschanel.
Totally fucking.
Back on the farm. The weird guy that picked them up starts rambling
about how hot dogs get a bad rap. They’re a cool shape. Cool shape? Like
Penis-y? He also talks to his plants. Chris and Jeanne are feeling that
this will somehow come back to the plants. And their sinister plot for
world domination.
Back to Leguizamo. In his car with that family they drive through a
street where like dozens of people have hung themselves from light
poles. Leguizamo tries to calm the screaming daughter in the car by
giving her a math riddle. What the fuck? That would just make me even
more unhappy. They all try to cover the vents and stuff to keep the
terrorism out. Leguizamo looks up though and sees a small rip in the
soft top of the jeep. Suddenly the driver accelerates and smashes the
car into a tree. Leguizamo survives, sits down in the street and slits
his wrists with some broken glass.
I’m not sure if I’m conveying this properly, but this movie is bad.
Really bad. Like Sci-Fi channel bad. I feel ashamed for M. Night. He
should do some community service to make up for this.
Wahlberg in the jeep comes to a road littered with bodies. The farm
couple turns back and meets a military jeep. The soldier says the base
has been affected. There are still two directions left so they’re trying
to figure out where they can go. Cars happen to come in from those two
directions and after speaking with those people they realize that all
directions are contaminated.
Richard: (At one point the soldier says,
“Cheese and Crackers” as an expletive.) I like that the only
remaining soldier is like Elmer Fudd.
The soldier decides that they should all stay where they are. Now
there’s a big group of people at the crossroad. A woman is talking to
her daughter at college. Everyone else there is dead. She’s locked in
her room but a few minutes into the call the daughter starts saying
“calculus” over and over again and then kills herself. Wahlberg takes
the phone.
Richard: (As Wahlberg) Stacey, you want me
to say hello to your mother for you?
The farmer starts talking to Zooey and telling her that plants can
target specific threats like tobacco plants getting wasps to attack
particular caterpillars that are munching on them. So plants ARE killing
people. Central Park never seemed so scary.
The soldier decides they need to head to somewhere without any real
population. A local realtor suggests some Podunk place to the West.
Chris: (mocking the soldier) It’s attacking
populations of people. We need to head West and stick together like a
population…all together.
Everyone starts walking West together. During the walk Zooey Deschanel
rambly confesses to going out and having dessert with a guy from work
when she told Wahlberg that she was working late. He’s offended. A
breeze rolls through the brush.
Jeanne: The plants are talking.
The soldier starts shouting, “My firearm is my friend. It will not leave
my side.” He draws his gun…
The group with Wahlberg is just over the hill from them. They start to
hear gunshots. Zooey Deschanel freaks out about being uninvolved
observers. Wahlberg yells that he needs a damn minute. He decides that
the plants targeted the other group because it was bigger. The part of
the field that they’re on may not have been triggered. They need to
split up into smaller groups. They divide into two groups and start
running. Chris and Richard put their bets on the group with the fat
chick dying first.
Wahlberg: “Could this really be happening?”
Happening!
Chris: (As Wahlberg) “I produce
‘Entourage.”
Wahlberg finds a house and they all go in and plan a strategy for
getting to that Podunk place. He looks up and sees a plant in the corner
of the room. He starts talking to it in a very soothing voice to, I
guess, try and broker a peace agreement. When he gets close enough he
realizes that it’s a plastic plant.
Chris: The vampires are playing baseball. [A
review of the movie Twilight suggested that this term might replace
“jumped the shark.”]
They leave the house and head out toward the fields. The stand on a hill
and see two groups of people come together at the house they were just
at. It’s too many people! A man turns on a giant ass-like golf course
lawnmower and then lies down in front of it.
Wahlberg is walking with two teenagers. One says he likes Wahlberg’s
mood ring and used to have one.
Richard: Yeah, when I was like 11.
They reach another house. The little girl gets on a tire swing attached
to a tree branch.
Richard: Oh, you’re gonna piss off the tree.
Chris: Man that tree is so pissed.
They peer through the shutters and see a man in the house but the man
won’t let them in for fear of contamination.
Chris: It’s Bruce Willis. He’s dead! He’s been
dead the whole time!
One of the teenage kids is a jackass and starts kicking on the door and
shouting that they want food for a little girl. The door opens a crack
and the guy in the house sticks out a gun and shoots the kid in the
chest. Then another muzzle comes through the window shutters and shoots
the other teen in the head. Wahlberg, Zooey and the kid run for it.
Wahlberg and the gang come to another house. They meet an older woman on
her porch. She says that Wahlberg is “eyeing her lemon drink.”
She invites them in for food but she’s totally crazy. She starts saying
something about “who’s chasing who” I guess meaning is Wahlberg trying
to fuck Zooey or vice versa. Then the little girl reaches out on the
table for something and the old lady smacks her hand. Fucking crazy. She
grows her own food and has no contact with anyone outside. No TV. No
radio. When they start telling her what’s HAPPENING she tells them not
to.
Zooey hits the fucking nail on the head by saying that there’s something
“exorcist-y” about the old lady.
Wahlberg wakes up the next morning. Jeanne guesses that he’ll roll over
and find the old lady naked in his bed wearing Zooey’s face but that
doesn’t happen. He walks downstairs and finds a life size doll on a bed.
The crazy lady barges in and starts screaming that he’s trying to touch
her things and she wants him to leave. He sees the old lady outside in
her garden talking to her plants. But then she starts to walk backward!
Not backward! The wind blows through the trees and now we know that the
plants are seeking revenge!
Richard: I’m no meteorologist but I’m pretty sure
it’s raining bitches.
Wahlberg runs into the house and closes the door on the old lady. But
the old lady is being driven by evil terrorist plants. She rams her head
through several windows to let the evil in!
Wahlberg backs into another room of the house and shuts himself in. He
hears Zooey and the little girl through a pipe in the house that leads
back to a shed. It was used for communication when slaves were fleeing
to the North.
Richard: A speaking tube. Really?
He and Zooey start having some romantic heart-to-heart through the tube.
Mostly about his fucking mood ring! If I’m gonna die please don’t start
talking to me about a $2 mood ring and how meaningful the colors were
when we met. “What color means love?” GAG!
Wahlberg says he doesn’t want to die like this and that he’s going to go
out and be with her. They walk towards each other across the menacingly
windy field, hold hands and walk back into the farmhouse.
Chris: “It’s okay, plants. I’m cool. I produce
‘Entourage.’”
Richard: Nature hates us.
Chris: No, M. Night hates us.
Richard: The feeling is kind of mutual.
So far neither of them has tried to kill themselves.
Cut to three months later. Zooey is sending the little girl off to her
first day back at school.
Chris: I still see plants. Wouldn’t they have
burned all of the plants? I would have.
Close up on a TV screen in a house. Turns out that it was the plants. It
was an act of nature and there is no explanation. The scientist believes
it was a warning. The host of the show doesn’t buy it.
Zooey has plants in her fucking bathroom! What’s up with this! Why
aren’t people more upset about the plants-trying-to-kill-us thing? She
takes a pregnancy test. It’s positive. She and Wahlberg hug.
Cut to France. A park. Everyone stops walking. Oh no! Plants hate
Parisians.
Chris: That was truly a horrible movie.
Watching the credits we see that M. Night has put himself in the credits
as the guy that Zooey has tiramisu with. The guy that was neither seen
nor heard throughout the entire film. WTF!?
Richard: I don’t think that Zooey Deschanel would
have gone out with a guy who looks like M. Night Shyamalan.
Chris: Because Zooey Deschanel is racist?
Richard: No, she’s just too hot for him.
Chris: He might as well have put himself as, like,
Jesus. Not seen, but presence felt.
We start watching the behind the scenes footage and M. Night says that
the studio wanted him to make the film but they had one request…
Richard: That M. Night not be in it?
That it be a hard R rating.
It really wasn’t all that R rated.
It happened! Never see this movie. But say hello to your mother for me.
The Saturday
Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:
Jeanne Lopez,
Cookie Monster
Rick Sayre,
Pop-Culture Critic
Christopher
Wilson, Vampire Hunter

BrooklynGang@picturesandframesmagazine.com
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