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Hide and Seek
NIGHT
INTERIOR: Richard, Jeanne and Chris take their seats on the futon. Chris
puts in the Hide and Seek DVD and everyone prepares to be
overwhelmed by the hilarity of a thriller starring Dakota Fanning.
The
menu appears on the screen, revealing five different film
options: the theatrical cut and four alternate versions. This is clearly
a bad sign of things to come. We choose the theatrical version. Chris
turns off the lights.
Jeanne:
The mood is very…
Richard: Erotic.
And so
it begins. The screen flashes “1st Day of the New Year, New
York City.” Richard already finds it pretentious that they don’t just
say January 1st. The movie opens on an extreme close-up of
Dakota Fanning’s beady devil eyes. She has become a monosyllabic, goth-in-the-making
bottle brunette. Richard doesn’t believe it’s actually Dakota Fanning
until the camera pulls back to reveal her entire face,
impossibly-stretched evil smile and all.
Richard: What’s up with her gums?
Jeanne:
Satan.
Richard: She looks like Andie Macdowell.
Jeanne:
She’s the future Andie Macdowell. She’s going to be the crappiest
actress ever.
When
the camera pulls back from Dakota Fanning’s obviously evil, soul sucking
eyes, we see that she and her mother, played by Amy Irving, are playing
together on a merry-go-round like thing in Central Park. Chris suggests
that a tragic playground incident must be imminent. Jeanne interjects
that were that to happen it would mean we were watching Godsend
and not Hide and Seek. Richard is horror-struck when he realizes
that Robert De Niro must be playing the father of a 10 year old. Chris
schools us on the birds and the bees, suggesting that Bobby likes ‘em
young. A collective shudder runs through the group at the thought of a
wrinkled older Robert De Niro involved in anything that could result in
conception.
Amy
Irving comes into Dakota’s room to tuck her in to bed but Dakota is
hiding. Amy Irving proceeds to play hide and seek with her. Dakota
Fanning totally gives away her hiding space, beneath her comforter, by
announcing that she’s invisible. She can’t do anything right. Amy
Irving says that if Dakota’s invisible then how can she tickle her? She
begins molesting her daughter with shriek-inducing tickles. Chris wisely
points out that she’s invisible, not intangible, retard. Dakota
Fanning lets loose the most evil wail of demon-spawn laughter ever
heard. The cackles bring forth the Djinn and the world is plummeted into
eternal darkness and suffering…oh wait, that was Wishmaster.
Nevermind.
We all
laud the subtlety of filling a movie named Hide and Seek with
incidents of playing hide and seek. Amy Irving walks from Dakota’s room
to Robert De Niro. The oldness of the pair becomes suddenly striking.
Richard: She was a change of life baby.
Robert
De Niro is preoccupied by his telescope which Chris points out is
totally not pointed at the sky but, more likely, into a neighbor’s
window. All of Robert De Niro’s neighbors be warned: he likes to watch,
and I mean more that just watching his career as it circles the toilet
bowl on its way down.
Robert
De Niro asks his wife if she’s okay, and she quips that, “There are some
things therapy can’t fix.”
Chris:
He’s a therapist.
Richard: No, I think she’s just in therapy.
Chris:
I’ll bet you the rest of your dinner.
Richard: Dude, you can’t take my dirty rice.
Chris:
I can take it and throw it down the…
Jeanne
(interrupting): Is she gonna slit her wrists?
Scenes
of Amy Irving getting into a bathtub with candles around her are spliced
together with shots of a New Years Eve party and Robert De Niro suddenly
wakes up at 2:06am. Similarities to The Exorcism of Emily Rose
and The Amityville Horror arise. Apparently at the yearly
screenwriter’s meeting it was decided that all horror movies would
require a creepy hour in the middle of the night when all things evil
must happen repeatedly throughout the whole movie.
Robert
De Niro follows the sound of dripping water towards the slightly open
door of the bathroom at the end of the hall. The suspense is
electrifying. Chris says that he likes Robert De Niro’s pajamas. So
maybe the suspense isn’t as electrifying as I thought. Robert De Niro
pulls back the shower curtain to reveal his wife dead in a tub full of
blood. Ah! How totally unexpected! Robert De Niro jumps into the tub to
pull her out. Dakota Fanning is standing in the doorway now, being
scarred for life. She will now grow up to be Brittany Murphy in Don’t
Say a Word. “I’ll neverrr telllllll...”
Jeanne:
He’ll never wear those pajamas again.
Chris:
Seriously, way to bring down the New Year. Way to start the year off
nice and cheery.
Movie
flashes: “NY City Children’s Hospital.” Dakota Fanning is looking creepy
in a staring sort of way. Again. Jean Grey is in this movie. She’s
totally hitting on Robert De Niro, which is even creepier than Dakota
Fanning’s cold dead eyes. Robert De Niro tells Jean Grey that he’s
decided to take Dakota Fanning upstate into the middle of nowhere ‘cause
that’s always a good idea when your kid has the bleeding, dead body of
her mother pulled out of a bathtub and is now a mute or something.
Jeanne:
Is she like Samara? She doesn’t blink.
Richard: They turned her off.
Jeanne:
So it’s like A.I.
Chris:
I think Robert De Niro has some contract about making really bad movies
with creepy kids. Between this and Godsend…it must be something
that he can’t control.
It’s
Fall/Winter and Robert De Niro drives through the creepy, dead tree
forests towards imminent death in upstate New York. Dakota Fanning is
staring out the window, silently moping. It’s a poor impersonation of
Winona Ryder’s character from Beetlejuice.
Richard: She reminds me of that joke: I wish my lawn were emo so it
could cut itself.
Richard
tells us this joke a lot. We laugh each time anyway.
Richard: This is the guy who directed Swimfan!
Jeanne:
Oh Crap. This is gonna be fucking awful.
Robert
De Niro meets up with a sheriff and a real estate agent at the creepy
house that he will use to rehabilitate his spawn of Satan child. The
real estate agent calls Robert De Niro “Doctor.” Jeanne, in a show of
bias towards her boyfriend, immediately calls the bet in favor of Chris
claiming that this is definitive proof that De Niro is a shrink. The
real estate agent walks De Niro around the back of the house to show him
the property and explain to him that this area is mostly summer houses
so it’ll be nice and empty for the ritual sacrifices that he’ll be
having. As the real estate guy gives De Niro the keys to the door, De
Niro suddenly gets that nagging feeling that he’s forgetting
something…his wallet, no…his keys, no…his dignity, maybe...oh yeah, his
creepy, maybe homicidal/maybe suicidal crazy daughter. Where’s Child
Protective Services when you need them? Probably at Britney Spears’
house. De Niro then goes running around the front of the house calling
out for Dakota. He’d probably lose his wife, too, if she weren’t already
buried in a designated plot in the cemetery.
Jeanne:
You’re a terrible dad. You already lost your kid…and in front of a
police officer.
Chris:
…and a terrible husband, apparently.
Jeanne
(laughs): Irreconcilable differences.
De Niro
finds Dakota just into the woods, standing in front of a tiny cave that
could house fairies or gremlins or something.
Jeanne:
Is this gonna be the whole movie? Just Dakota not speaking but staring
creepily at things?
Chris:
I think it’s better when she doesn’t speak...like most women. (Punching
his fists in the air) Bahbahbah…bahbah…
De Niro
has his first dinner in the house. Dakota stares at him over a giant
bowl of spaghetti that she’s sharing with her creepy, no-faced doll.
Dakota excuses herself because De Niro’s creeping her out. She’s not
alone there. De Niro goes upstairs to tuck her in but she’s not in bed.
He starts with the hide and seek like her dead mom used to do, checking
under the beds and then heading towards the closet, but it turns out
Dakota’s not playing hide and seek at all but was down the hall brushing
her teeth. De Niro is then part of the lamest scare in all of horror-moviedom
when he opens the closet door and a cat jumps out. This guy has
Oscars on his mantle at home, people.
It’s
morning and De Niro wanders the house aimlessly paying no attention to
his crazy, probably suicidal daughter. He finds a room full of unpacked
boxes and looks around slowly, acting bewildered for no apparent reason.
Chris:
“How did these boxes pack themselves up?!”
He
begins to unpack the boxes and we see that it’s his home office. He
places his diploma on the wall, and it’s revealed that he has a degree
in psychology. Chris begins to gloat to no end. Richard tells him to go
ahead and take the rest of the rice. Chris says he doesn’t want to eat
it, just throw it away to spite him. Richard retaliates by telling Chris
to go ahead and take the rice into the bathroom and rub it all over his
naked body. In the end, no one bothers getting off of the couch. Robert
De Niro puts on a giant pair of headphones (to keep out the screams) and
starts writing in a journal.
Jeanne:
Shouldn’t he be keeping track of his creepy little girl?
Richard: I’m going to give us a bad review for this review, already.
Jeanne:
I kind of feel like starting over.
The
neighbor lady comes over to introduce herself. She says something that
makes her husband sound creepy but I’m not paying much attention
anymore. Next scene, De Niro sees Elisabeth Shue while he’s at a gas
station, filling up, and is so drawn to her that he leaves Dakota
Fanning locked in the backseat of his car while he goes to hit dat
shit. This would seem cruel but he continues to do it like 15 more
times in the movie so I guess its par for the course.
Richard: You’re going to see how Elisabeth Shue is still hot, Chris.
You’re going to be like, “You were right, Richard.” And you’re going to
give me back my dirty rice.
Jeanne:
Dude, pay at least a little attention to your kid. You’re just gonna
leave her locked in the back of your car?
Richard: Like she’s a dog. (Regarding Elisabeth Shue) She’s so pretty.
Jeanne:
Go flirt with Elisabeth Shue. She looks—not that bad.
Richard
(Offended on behalf of Elisabeth Shue): She looks “not that bad??”
Jeanne:
She looks better than she did in The Jacket.
No one
bothers to mention that she wasn’t in The Jacket. She’s probably
thinking of Jennifer Jason Leigh. Shhh. Jeanne drinks a lot.
Elisabeth Shue introduces herself to Robert De Niro as Elizabeth
something-or-other.
Chris:
She’s playing Elizabeth!
Richard: She’s doing a Tony Danza thing, yes. But she’s still hot!
We
spend the next five minutes trying to remember how we started talking
about Elisabeth Shue while watching National Treasure. Jeanne
suggests that Chris go back and read the last issue of Pictures
and Frames Magazine©.
Richard starts talking about Elisabeth Shue’s enormous breasts being
exposed in Cocktail.
Robert
De Niro goes to tuck Dakota in for the night and asks her where her doll
is, but Dakota tells him that she doesn’t like the doll anymore. Richard
decides that Dakota and the doll went after the same guy and parted
ways. Dakota says that she has a new friend now. A friend named Charlie.
There’s a Michael Jackson child molester joke that was mentioned here
but Richard vetoed it on the grounds that those are way lame. De Niro
calls Jean Gray for advice on his crazy daughter and she tells him to
play with her. This brings about a new round of Michael Jackson jokes.
When De Niro takes out the trash he finds the smashed remains of
Dakota’s doll in the garbage can. Jeanne totally called this before it
happened.
Jeanne:
What’s up? I wrote this. I’m a crappy writer.
Chris:
They really did have a falling out.
Another
scene opens with De Niro leaving Dakota in the back of his car. This
time the Sheriff’s giving him a ticket when he heads back to the car but
not for trapping his daughter in the car, but rather for parking in a
handicapped zone. De Niro tries to use his celebrity to get out of the
ticket but this fails him miserably, probably because the cop saw
Godsend. Cut to a scene of Dakota and De Niro fishing together…a
very uplifting family moment that is shattered when Dakota decides to
bait her hook with a live beetle. There’s a collective gasp from the
group. De Niro is not sufficiently upset by this.
Richard: Ahh!
Jeanne:
I don’t want to watch this anymore! That’s fucked up! What little girl
does that?
Richard: A little girl possessed by Satan.
Jeanne:
You’re possessed by Satan.
Dakota
and De Niro have a long-winded, boring discussion about Charlie and her
being out of her freaking mind. It ends with De Niro going to open her
bedroom window because the room has become stuffy with all of the
craziness inside. De Niro struggles with the window but after several
humps he just can’t seem to get it up.
Richard: Does that represent his impotence? Let’s analyze the movie in a
Freudian manner.
Chris:
That’s funny ‘cause he did a movie called Analyze This.
There
are sudden flashbacks to a New Year’s Eve Party and De Niro wakes up in
the middle of the night.
Richard
(Coughing) The Shining.
Jeanne
waits for Dakota to start chanting, “redrum.”
Chris:
Is it 2:06am?
Bobby
looks over at the clock and it reveals the time:
Jeanne:
2:06am!
De Niro
walks down the longest hallway ever, toward the bathroom at the end with
its door slightly ajar and a glow coming from inside. The sound of
dripping water echoes in time with the creepy piano music.
Richard: There’s a demonic glow coming from her room! It’s the glow of a
child’s smile.
Jeanne:
Dakota Fanning doesn’t smile.
Richard: She radiates.
Jeanne:
She’s got too much gum.
De Niro
pulls back the shower curtain and “You Let Her Die” is scrawled on the
tile around the tub. Lit candles surround the tub, and it resembles De
Niro’s wife’s deathbed. He immediately confronts his creepy daughter who
claims that Charlie did it. De Niro, again, seems not as bothered as
you’d think he would be by the incident.
The
next day and De Niro has invited Elisabeth Shue and her niece over to
the house. Elisabeth Shue and De Niro totally get it on. Not really, but
they flirt downstairs while Dakota scares the shit out of her niece. To
be fair, her niece is really annoying. Like those little kids who have
too much energy and never shut up and you totally wish that they’d be
stricken with some painful form of oral herpes that would prevent them
from speaking.
Richard
(after Elisabeth Shue’s niece does some dumb song like “Patty Cake” or
something while doing Hopscotch in Dakota’s room): Kill Her!
Dakota
takes away the niece’s doll, Penelope, and smushes in her face before
giving it back and telling her that she shouldn’t be there ‘cause she
could get hurt. The play date ends immediately. Yeah, it’s probably for
the best.
Jeanne:
Can’t they just trade her in and get a new kid? I think she’s broken.
Richard: If you were broken we wouldn’t trade you in.
Jeanne:
I’d trade you in.
Richard: I’m totally broken. You’re so late on that.
Jeanne:
But if you’re ever broken in the possessed-by-Satan-broken way, like I
thought you might channel something and kill me, I might trade you in.
De Niro
spends another day totally ignoring Dakota until he wanders downstairs
later in the morning and finds her talking to some weird guy in the
backyard (he turns out to be the neighbor lady’s creepy husband). De
Niro tries to get Dakota to go back into the house but Dakota is
reluctant and tries to stay and flirt with the weird older man.
Richard
(in a high-pitched, supposed to be Dakota Fanning voice): You never let
me have any friends, Dad.
Jeanne:
Is she hitting on him?
Richard: She’s totally hitting on him!
The
neighbor and De Niro talk for a minute once Dakota reluctantly leaves
her new beau. The weird neighbor says, “You’re very lucky to have such a
beautiful daughter.”
Jeanne:
He reciprocates! There is some man on child love going on is this
movie.
De Niro
(to Dakota): You remember what I told you about not talking to
strangers.
Dakota:
He’s not a stranger.
Jeanne
(in a high-pitched, mock Dakota Fanning voice): He’s been inside me.
We all
laugh and will go to hell where these jokes will remain funny and will
garner us favor with Satan, Dakota’s evil father.
Richard
(laughing): I can’t believe you said that.
Jeanne:
I’m trying to save this review. Drastic measures.
Evening
- De Niro finds a teapot boiling over on the stove. He goes upstairs to
ask Dakota about this and she says that Charlie did it, but he just
left. Her window, the same window that exemplified De Niro’s impotence
earlier in the movie, is standing open. De Niro leans out the window to
investigate.
Richard: Is she going to push him out the window?
Jeanne:
That would rock because then this would be over.
De Niro
closes the window and makes a grand show about locking it.
Chris:
That’s why it wouldn’t open last time. It was locked. Duh.
De Niro
asks Dakota if he can speak to Charlie sometime. Dakota says she doesn’t
think it’ll work ‘cause Charlie doesn’t like De Niro very much. He asks
why, even though the answer is so obvious.
Chris:
‘Cause you used to be a good actor and now look what you’re doing!
Jeanne:
I wonder if he still gets invited to the Academy Awards.
The
next day and De Niro, again, spends the whole day sitting in his study
with headphones on writing longhand in a journal about his crazy
daughter while she plays hide and seek with her sanity.
Chris:
So what’s she going to look like when she grows up? I mean, is she going
to be like the Olsen twins where guys mysteriously think she’s hot? Or
is she going to be frightening?
Richard: She’s going to look like Jenna Elfman.
Jeanne:
I vote frightening. I think she’s going to go the Macauley Culkin route.
Richard: No!
Chris:
Haley Joel Osment.
Jeanne:
Oh Yeah. Where they get older but somehow they still look the same way
they were when they were kids.
Dakota
is playing hide and seek with Charlie. She looks in the closet and finds
a weird door hidden in the back. What the fuck? Is this Narnia?
Richard: Narnia, from hell!
The
basement is full of decaying medical beds and hanging bicycles. Ghostly
green lighting. Totally random and inappropriate and shouldn’t these
kind of doors be locked to keep your sinister demon child out?! De Niro
finally remembers that he’s a dad and goes looking for his daughter, who
is now screaming. He finds her in the basement, curled up in a corner
and looking freaked out. Richard and Jeanne jump when stuff starts
falling over in the basement and Dakota screams some more.
Chris
(laughing at Richard and Jeanne): What’s up?
Richard: Imagine going down into our basement and that happening!
Jeanne:
I’m so not even going to think about that.
Chris:
Our basement doesn’t even look like that.
De Niro
finally reaches Dakota and tries to figure out why his daughter’s
fucking crazy. She says she was playing hide and seek with Charlie. A
cheap site gag causes Richard and Jeanne to jump again.
Chris:
You guys are so easy.
Next
day creepy neighbor woman comes over again to apologize for her creepier
husband. She explains that they had a young daughter die recently and
he’s still trying to get over that because there’s nothing worse than
losing a child. We wonder if maybe finding your wife dead in a tub in
New Years and forever being reminded of it by your psychotic daughter
might actually be worse.
Richard: Watching National Treasure might be worse.
Jeanne:
I think this might be worse than watching National Treasure.
Richard: I think so. I think I might have enjoyed watching National
Treasure more.
Jeanne:
We were funnier.
Elisabeth Shue comes over for dinner and Dakota comes down in her mom’s
New Year’s Eve dress looking much more like Winona from Beetlejuice
this time, but with big red rings around her eyes. We theorize that it’s
from being worked like a horse and being hounded by Tom Cruise to join
Scientology. Dakota acts generally creepy and then ends dinner by
warning Elisabeth Shue that she should be careful not to end up like her
mother. De Niro is totally not getting laid tonight.
That
night, De Niro wakes up at 2:06am after weird flashes of the New Year’s
Eve party go by again. There’s water dripping. He heads toward the
glowing light in the bathroom. He should totally know better than to go
for this again.
Jeanne:
Just let it wait until morning. You know it’s going to be a bathtub full
of water scrawled with something creepy.
De Niro
pulls back the curtain to reveal a tub full of murky water with his dead
cat floating in it and “Now Look What You’ve Done” written on the wall.
Dakota does the whole, “It wasn’t me, it was Charlie” routine again.
Rather than heeding the signs and running the fuck away, he just buries
the cat in the backyard and continues on.
Jeanne:
Dude, drive back to New York already.
Richard: Call Jean Grey.
De Niro
asks Dakota if she drowned the cat because he wants to sleep with
Elisabeth Shue and then goes on to explain to a distraught Dakota that
Charlie needs to understand that Elisabeth Shue isn’t trying to take her
dead mom’s place. By this point, Dakota is just shouting “Charlie!”
over and over again.
Dakota’s room is covered in creepy drawings of a scary looking stick
figure man outlined in black. De Niro asks Dakota about her Marilyn
Manson cover art and she tells him that the man is Charlie and that
Charlie told her that he could do what Robert De Niro couldn’t: satisfy
mommy. Yikes. De Niro finally calls in the big guns and the next scene
opens with Jean Grey arriving to their isolated death cottage.
Richard: Oh my God! If Famke Johnson and Elisabeth Shue make out I’m
totally buying this movie.
Jean
Grey talks to Dakota while Dakota smears whorish makeup over her
surviving dolls. She asks her about Charlie, trying to use her
psychological prowess to find the root of Dakota’s Elektra Complex.
Dakota tells her that she and Charlie play hide and seek. Jeanne wittily
cracks that they play hide the salami. Jean Grey, in a moment of total
sanity, tells De Niro that she wants to take Dakota back to New York
City and put her in an institution. De Niro, of course, ‘cause otherwise
the movie would finally fucking end, says no. Jean Grey leaves and with
her goes all the hotness from this movie. De Niro sneaks up into
Dakota’s room to read her diary. Pervert. But in a turn towards dramedy,
Dakota’s diary is empty save for a flipbook in the bottom corner. As De
Niro flips the pages, he sees a stick figure effigy of his late wife in
a bathtub, stabbing herself and bleeding to death. Emily Strange is a
pussy compared to Dakota Fanning.
Jeanne:
You could make one and then sell it to goth girls.
De Niro
is not thrown by this but maintains his Goldblum-esque monotone. De Niro
ends the night with further voyeurism by staring through his neighbor’s
windows with a telescope and watching them fighting. He goes over to
their house the next day while the creepy husband is away and starts
asking the wife about them. He discovers that they had a daughter, about
Dakota’s age, who recently died of cancer. For some really fucked up
reason the picture of the bald, cancer daughter totally looks like
Dakota Fanning.
Another
scene begins with De Niro zoning out in his study with his headphones on
and then passing out on the couch. Go Dad. During his nap, Elisabeth
Shue comes over and sees Dakota. Dakota takes her up to her room and
somehow Elisabeth Shue starts playing hide and seek with Charlie. How
much you want to bet this goes badly? Elisabeth Shue opens the closet
doors and something runs out at her and knocks her out of the second
story window. She’s so dead. De Niro wakes up sometime that night and
checks on Dakota Fanning. He sees the broken window but there’s no body
on the ground. Ooooh…creepy. There’s a knock at the door and it’s the
Sheriff. He had found Elisabeth Shue’s car crashed down the road but
there’s no body. De Niro says he hasn’t seen her and says he’s sure that
Dakota hasn’t either. Dakota lies and says she hasn’t seen her either.
Her eyes totally say otherwise. Bad girl.
There’s
another 2:06am confrontation and De Niro finds Elisabeth Shue dead in
the bathtub this time. He runs over to shake Dakota. Dakota still holds
firm to her innocence.
Richard: Maybe he has a split personality and he’s Charlie.
De Niro
locks Dakota in her room while he goes off in search of something or
other. Dakota, the adorable little juvenile delinquent that she is,
picks the lock to her bedroom door and finds the phone. She calls Jean
Grey and tells her that her Daddy can’t save her now. I think we have
finally reached climax. De Niro freaks out as he realizes that his
office isn’t actually unpacked. He opens one box and finds his journal,
and his headphones in another. He suddenly remembers that New Year’s Eve
party clearly. He saw his wife sneak out of the room and into the arms
of another man. Richard has called it: De Niro is actually Charlie.
Chris:
I’ve never seen something like this in a movie before. Ever.
De Niro
becomes Charlie. The sheriff comes back to the house and De Niro forgets
the name of the movie and starts playing Marco Polo with the
unsuspecting Sheriff, who didn’t have the foresight to call for backup.
De Niro pops out and stabs the Sheriff before turning his attention on
Dakota who has become way less fun for Charlie to play with.
Chris:
How did Robert De Niro think this was a good career move? Is he just now
like, “I’m Robert De Niro, fuck it!”
Jeanne:
Maybe he just didn’t have anything else to do. Maybe he was like, “How
much am I getting paid? Okay.”
Richard: Maybe he’s just unaware of the existence of Fight Club
and Fever and The Machinist.
Chris:
And Secret Window.
Richard: Maybe Robert De Niro has another personality that chooses to do
these crappy movies.
Jeanne:
So this is a documentary?
Jean
Grey arrives on the scene.
Richard: Use your psychic powers!
Jeanne:
Become the Phoenix.
Richard: Or be that character you were in the James Bond movie where you
could kill men with your thighs. Protect yourself with your thighs!
Jeanne:
What was her name?
Richard: Lotta…
Jeanne:
Lotta…Pussy?
Richard: Something like that, yeah.
Jeanne:
It couldn’t be. There was already Pussy Galore. Lotta Snatch would be
funny.
Jean
Grey totally gets decked but we all know that she will come back to save
the day because she is the Phoenix. She takes the gun off of the body of
the Sheriff and goes after De Niro who is chasing after Dakota. So
exciting. Dakota locks herself in her bedroom but crawls out of the
window while De Niro bangs on it with the tip of a giant knife, only
barely restrains himself from shouting, “Here’s Johnny!” Dakota, the
dumbest little girl in the world, runs for the creepy cave in the woods
instead of, oh, the fucking highway or a neighbor’s house. De Niro
totally finds her ‘cause what better place is there for a final
psychotic showdown than a dark cave. But just in time, Jean Grey appears
and distracts De Niro/Charlie from Dakota and then, after a struggle and
some stupid moves and much cheerleading by Richard that she should use
her thighs she’s able to gain the upper-hand and tells him, “Hide and
seek” just before shooting him like five times.
Chris:
She should have said “Hide and seek, biaaaatch!!”
Richard
(regarding De Niro): He reminds me of my boss.
Jeanne:
Your boss? Did your boss kill people?
Richard: I don’t think my boss has killed anyone. He touches me a lot.
Later,
Dakota is drawing a picture in a nice big house, now living with Jean
Grey. Jean Grey is a hot mom. Dakota’s picture shows her and Jean Grey
holding hands and carrying colorful flowers. All is well. But then…the
camera pans back to reveal that the drawing of Dakota Fanning has two
heads! Oh the symbolism! The symbolism! Sequel anyone?
Jeanne:
Okay. So on a scale of zero to fucking awful what’s the vote?
Chris:
It’s still not as bad as Godsend.
Jeanne:
I don’t remember Godsend and I made you watch it.
Richard: It’s still better than Crash!
-Chris
Wilson, Vampire Hunter
-Jeanne
Lopez, Cookie Monster
-Rick
Sayre, Pop-Culture Junkie
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