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National Treasure 2
Night Interior:
Chris, Jeanne and Richard watch the awesomeness that is the National
Treasure 2 DVD menu. It seems to heavily feature the Statue of Liberty.
Could this be a clue?!
Jeanne:
National Treasure 2!
Richard: I like
the menu.
Jeanne: I like
the menu, too.
Chris: I bet the
climax is at the Statue of Liberty…or else it starts there.
Richard: Just
like the climax of Saboteur.
Chris: I bet
something happens there.
Richard: I bet
the Statue of Liberty’s head gets blown off by some giant alien and
lands in New York City.
Jeanne: I think
you’re talking about a different movie.
Richard: That
movie was way better than this movie’s going to be.
Jeanne: I don’t
know—this movie has Nicolas Cage.
Richard: It has
Helen Mirren.
Jeanne: She was
also in Chronicles of Riddick…Oh wait, that was Dame Judy Dench.
Either way…respectable old woman and terrible movie.
Chris: Old Limey
Broads!
Jeanne: Terrible
movies.
The movie begins.
Jeanne: I think
that this is olde timey times.
Richard: You’re
right. (Reading the date off the screen) It’s 1865. Washington,
DC. Five days after the end of the Civil War.
Chris: Is that
Nicolas Cage in prosthetics?
A man who looks
all-up-to-no-good walks into a tavern and meets with Thomas Gates, the
olde timey, great, great grandfather of Ben Gates (Nic Cage’s
character). The up-to-no-good man is accompanied by…GASP…John Wilkes
Booth. This confirms the up-to-no-good suspicion. They ask Thomas Gates
to decode something in a diary they’ve brought. He’s all about puzzles
and stuff since that’s genetic and must run in the bloodline so he
accepts. As he’s decoding, John Wilkes Booth runs off to catch a show at
the theater and maybe kill the president while he’s there.
Chris: Lincoln
died five days after the civil war ended?
Jeanne: Maybe. I
wouldn’t trust the historical accuracy of this.
*In case anyone
is interested,
April 9,
1865
was when General
Robert E. Lee
surrendered to
Lieutenant
General
Ulysses S. Grant
at Appomattox Court House. Although the last confederate general didn’t
actually surrender until June 23, 1865 the surrender of Robert E. Lee
could totally be seen as the symbolic end to the war.
Richard: This is
a Bruckheimer movie. They’re always historically accurate or didn’t you
see Pearl Harbor.
Chris:
(Laughing) I did not see Pearl Harbor.
Booth shoots
Lincoln, jumps on stage, shouts “Sic semper tyrannis” and runs away.
Richard: Does he
die?
Jeanne: He does.
Chris: (As
Booth rides his horse away into the night) Not in this version!
Jeanne: Doesn’t
he burn to death in a barn or something?
*For those
historical freaks out there, he does not burn to death in a barn. He
stays on the run until April 26 when he is cornered in a barn by Union
soldiers. When Booth refuses to surrender, the soldiers set the barn on
fire although what actually kills him is when a soldier shoots him in
the neck, severing his spine. His body is dragged out of the barn before
there’s any chance for him to burn. He died three hours after the
gunshot.
Back in the
tavern, Thomas Gates deciphers the code in the diary and it says
something about temples and gold. Somehow this clues him in to the fact
that these are bad guys. He freaks out and tears a few pages from the
diary and tosses them into the fire to keep the cracked code from them.
The bad guy does what bad guys do and shoots Thomas Gates. As he’s dying
his young son runs in and goes to his side. Thomas Gates tells the bad
guy shooter that the war is over but the bad guy clearly disagrees and
tells him that it’s only just begun.
Chris: Not
really. Someone get that guy a newspaper.
In the midst of
their fight someone runs in and announces that Lincoln’s been shot.
Chaos erupts. The bad guy grabs what’s left of the pages from the fire
and runs out. Thomas Gates tells his son, “The debt that all men pay”
and then dies. So sad.
Chris: And that
little boy grows up to be John Voight. (He doesn’t. John Voight may
be old but I seriously doubt that he was like 10 during the Civil War.
Now Willem Dafoe…that I’d believe.)
Back to present
day and the awesomeness that is Nic Cage.
Jeanne: His
hair’s fantastic.
Nic Cage is a
professor at a University giving a presentation on…what a shock…the
Civil War. Way to rip off Indiana Jones and the whole
Professor/Adventurer thing.
After his
presentation, a man in the back of the room shouts out questions about
what happened to the missing pages of the Booth diary that were taken
from the fire. That man is Ed Harris. He makes a claim that Thomas Gates
wasn’t the hero that Nic Cage keeps saying he is but was, in fact, the
ringleader of the Lincoln Assassination plot. He produces a piece of one
of the missing pages (waay convenient) that lists Thomas Gates name
along with all of the other known people associated with the
assassination plot. Next to Thomas’ name is “Mastermind” in Latin.
Richard: Ed
Harris should have taken this opportunity to kill Nic Cage.
John Voight and
Ed Harris get into a bitch fight about who’s calling whose Great
Granddaddy a liar. They all take Ed Harris’ page and go compare it to
the diary and it totally fits! The mission, should you choose to accept
it, is to do ridiculous and crazy things in order to avenge the name of
your great, great granddaddy.
Chris: I’m gonna
go get proof!
Jeanne: Proof is
in my hairpiece.
Apparently, proof
is actually at Borders where the next scene opens. I always knew there
was a reason that I like Borders more than Barnes & Noble.
Actually, all
that’s at Border’s is that not-Steve Zahn sidekick from the first film.
He’s there to sell his book about his adventure with Nic Cage but every
hot chick that stumbles across his little table gets excited because
they think that he’s Nic Cage and walk away all disappointed when they
find out who he is. No one likes a sidekick and, apparently, everyone
likes a hairpiece.
Sidekick and Nic
Cage get together to talk over their woes. Sidekick tells Nic Cage about
how his accountant set up his money in some illegal off shore account
and how he got audited and lost everything because of tax evasion
charges and then to top it all off his Ferrari was impounded. Nic Cage
then tells sidekick that his girlfriend (hot, German chick from #1)
kicked him out and his family assassinated Lincoln. So he totally tops
sidekick’s bad day.
Sidekick and Nic
Cage then go to the house Nic Cage was kicked out of and break in.
Sidekick is a whiz with house alarms. Not surprisingly, she comes home
with her date just a few minutes after they’ve broken in and catches
them inside. It’s way awkward. The date leaves and then the German and
Nic bicker like old ladies.
Jeanne: Is anyone
else bored?
Nic Cage wants
the Booth diary page scanned in Infrared and he uses furniture that
they’ve been disputing about to bargain with. She gets the Boston tea
tables. After hours of scanning the page nothing has shown up and
everyone’s annoyed at this lame adventure. Sidekick tries to calm Nic
Cage down by telling him that no one will ever remember that anyone
other than Booth was involved in the Lincoln assassination. Nic Cage
launches into the history of the phrase “his name is mud” and how it’s
based on Dr. Mudd who was accused of being a conspirator in the Lincoln
assassination.
*HA!
National Treasure is wrong and Wikipedia calls them out on it:
“Samuel
Mudd is sometimes mistakenly given as the origin of the phrase "your
name is mud,” as in, for example, the 2007 film
National
Treasure: Book of Secrets. However, this phrase has its
earliest known recorded instance in 1823, 10 years before his birth, and
is in fact based on an obsolete sense of the word 'mud' meaning 'a
stupid twaddling fellow'.
Take that Nic Cage
and your stupid hair piece!
After the eight
thousand hours of staring at the page all of a sudden writing comes to
their attention that they’d totally overlooked all this time. They find
a cipher and Nic Cage needs a five letter word to decode it. I wonder if
that cryptic phrase that Thomas Gates mumbled before he died will come
in to play…
Nic Cage makes
John Voight retell the story of Thomas Gates again in a creepy dramatic
way in order to figure out what they’re missing. John Voight suddenly
remembers the phrase, “The debt that all men pay.” You’d think a man’s
dying words would clearly be the most important part to remember. Jeanne
suggests that the key to the cipher is taxes but since there are totally
people who evade taxes the answer is actually death. Way dark. The
cipher steers them to the French man who designed the Statue of Liberty.
Jeanne: When does
the action start?
Chris: (about
Ed Harris) Has anyone ever noticed that he has two foreheads? He’s
got one and then he’s got a second one jutting out over the first one.
Nic Cage, in his
excitement, calls the German who happens to be meeting with evil Ed
Harris and tells her about the cipher. Ed Harris totally overhears
everything.
John Voight then
breaks it to us that there are actually three Statues of Liberty. Weird.
The cipher say’s that it’s the creator’s “lady” and that means it can
only be the one in France. They all fly there and they use a remote
controlled helicopter with a camera on it to fly around the statue
looking for clues. In the middle of their search a couple of testy
French bike cops come up to ask them why they’re being so fucking
annoying but then they find out that they’re Americans and it all makes
sense. But Nic Cage starts spouting about how the American constitution
is largely influenced by the Frenchman Montesquieu. French cops, unlike
American ones, are historians and political thinkers and are insanely
impressed that this American isn’t just hooting and throwing feces. They
all start talking about history and the whole
flying-a-helicopter-in-the-middle-of-a-public-area-thing is forgiven. In
the U.S. someone flying a helicopter near the Statue of Liberty would be
shot as a terrorist.
Jeanne: I have a
feeling that those bike cops wouldn’t really be historians.
Richard: I have a
feeling that Nic Cage wouldn’t really be a historian.
Since they’re all
BFF now Nic Cage asks the bike cops to help them translate some writing
that they’ve spotted on the statue. It translates to “From the sea these
twins stand resolute to preserve what we are looking for.” Nic Cage then
does that awesome free flow thing where he’s like,
“cigar…smoking…smoked…salmon…salmon swim…swimmers wear suits…suit of
armor…armor all…all for one…three musketeers…3 musketeers bar…Nougat!
The answer is Nougat!” He starts with “resolute twins.” Jeanne suggests
the Statue of Liberty’s boobs but he doesn’t go that route.
“Nic Cage:
Resolute twins…resolute…and then twins…Siamese twins…Siam…trade routes
between France and Thailand…HMS Resolute!”
The HMS Resolute
was a British ship that got lost in the Arctic that was salvaged by the
US and returned to England where two desks were made out of it. One is
in Buckingham Palace so they set out to storm the place. John Voight
didn’t accompany Nic Cage and the sidekick on their journey because he’s
too old. As John Voight comes home he’s knocked out by Ed Harris’ evil
henchmen who make a copy of his phone so that they can listen in to his
calls with Nic Cage and trail them to the treasure. John Voight being
old and senile doesn’t think anything of the fact that, in the midst of
this treasure hunt, someone broke into the house, knocked him out, but
didn’t seem to steal anything. These guys aren’t that bright. They talk
freely about where they’re going and why so Ed Harris tails them.
Richard: Does
Helen Mirren play the queen in this?
Jeanne: That would
rock.
In the middle of
Buckingham Palace when Nic Cage and the sidekick are about to launch
into their plan to get to the desk the German chick shows up saying that
John Voight called her and told her to help out. Since Nic Cage’s plan
to get to the desk was to make a scene and get arrested since the desk
is in a room near the security office he decides to just use this
opportunity and starts a big domestic squabble in the middle of
Buckingham Palace. When the Buckingham guards approach them Nic Cage
launches into some crazy, offensive British impersonation and starts
shouting out things like haggis and bangers and mash. It’s like
Tourette’s. The German catches on at some point and they both get
arrested and detained.
The sidekick
starts in on his computer wizardry and opens the security door for them.
Nic Cage and the German ride a dumb waiter up to the room where the
resolute desk is. They discover that the desk drawers are really a
combination lock and when all four are drawn out the date “1876” a
secret compartment is revealed. Inside is an old plaque with ancient
Aztec or Incan carvings. Nic Cage hides the plaque in, we think, his
ass.
Richard: Nic
Cage’s ass is somewhere nothing should ever be.
The sidekick
triggers the fire alarm and they’re able to get out unnoticed in the
ensuing chaos. However! Ed Harris tails them from the building. A car
chase ensues. Nic Cage tries to get someone’s cell phone to photograph
the plaque but somehow they have the technology with them to infiltrate
Buckingham Palace but not a working camera phone among them. So Nic
Cage’s brilliance leads him to run a red light while holding up the
plaque so that it’s photographed by the traffic camera. The sidekick is
then able to retrieve this photo from the London database later. It’s
magically of a good enough quality to zoom in and read all of the little
glyphs. He then throws it out of the car into the Thames. It’s wood
though so it floats and Ed Harris makes a henchman jump into the Thames
to get it.
Nic Cage reveals
that the plaque must be a key to finding the lost city of gold! And then
John Voight shakes his head and says, “Can you imagine if the
Confederates get their hands on the lost city of gold?!”
Jeanne: What can
they do? Can they suddenly make all black people slaves again? How much
gold is there?
Apparently, one of
the only few people on the planet able to decode the plaque is Nic
Cage’s mom, a.k.a Helen Mirren. John Voight and Helen Mirren begin to
bicker about lost toothbrushes from like three decades ago. She
grudgingly translates it although she clearly shows disdain for treasure
hunts. She also lets them know that the glyphs are partial and there
must be another plaque. Nic surmises that the plaque must be in the
other resolute desk which is in…DUN DUN DUN…the oval office. Good luck
breaking in there. American’s don’t mess around with security. If you
start a domestic dispute in the White House they’ll shoot first and
plant evidence later.
They decide to
infiltrate the White House under cover of the Annual Easter Egg Hunt.
The German calls her date, who happens to work in the White House, and
uses him to get a tour that stops in the oval office. Somehow he’s not
creeped out that she also wants her ex-boyfriend to join them on this
tour.
Jeanne: I like how
she’s in love with two men with horrible hair.
Chris:
(referring to the German’s date) You don’t remember him from The
Hulk?
Jeanne: Did he
play a vampire in something?
Chris: In The
Hulk…he was Liv Tyler’s new boyfriend.
Richard: You guys
saw The Hulk? When did you guys see The Hulk?
Chris: In North
Carolina.
Jeanne: (To
Richard) Why do you keep hitting me?
Richard: I missed
Iron Man and The Hulk.
Jeanne: We were in
North Carolina. We saw it at this place called Cinebarre. It serves you
food.
Chris: He plays
Doc. Sampson but he’s not Doc. Sampson yet.
While in the oval
office, the German pretends to lose an earring and under the guise of
searching Nic Cage opens up the puzzle box desk but GASP there’s no
plaque in the hidden compartment. Instead there’s a symbol stamped on
the wood that turns out to be the symbol for the “Book of Secrets” which
is a book passed down from president to president. The next logical
conclusion is, of course, to kidnap the president.
They manage this
by leaking a rumor that the location where the president is having a
party was used for Klan meetings. They then book up all of the alternate
hotels except for Mount Vernon, forcing the President’s party to be
moved there. Nic Cage then sneaks into the hotel and gets the president,
also a big history buff, to follow him into these little known catacombs
under the building. Once trapped in there he confronts the President
about the book. The President’s pretty good-natured about the whole
thing and gives him the location in the Library of Congress where he can
find the book but warns him that what Nic’s just done will be
interpreted as kidnapping so he’ll be on the run for the rest of his
quest. The President also tells Nic Cage to read page 47 in addition to
the info on the resolute desk. Could this be the setup for National
Treasure 3??
Nic Cage and
company storm the Library of Congress and find the book but the police
are on their tail. Nic takes a camera phone photo of the plaque and
reads that President Coolidge ordered the plaque destroyed. Bastard. He
also looks at Page 47 but we aren’t let in on what’s there. Totally a
setup for National Treasure 3. He then does a dumb thing and sends the
photo to his dad whose cell phone is still copied by Ed Harris. He also
calls his dad and tells him that they need to take the photo to his mom
leading Ed Harris to get there first and intimidate Helen Mirren into
lying to Nic and John Voight about the meaning of the plaque, but she
fits in some inside code about Hummingbirds that John Voight gets so Nic
Cage and team totally show up at Mt. Rushmore where the next clue is. Of
course, Ed Harris is there, too, being his crazy ass self. Ed has
dragged Helen Mirren with him to the mountain to help him figure out the
puzzle. When the two groups meet Nic Cage and company convince Ed Harris
that they should all just go in on this together. Ed Harris agrees to
leave his henchmen and guns in exchange for getting full credit for
having discovered the city of gold. This seems like a shitty exchange.
He’s got the guns.
So the clue at
Mount Rushmore involves finding a bird in the rocks during a cloudless
rain. Jeanne suggests they all just start peeing on the rocks but
instead everyone begins emptying out their water bottles. So like four
water bottles compared to a hundred feet of rocks. Yeah, this won’t take
forever. What am I talking about? This is a Nic Cage movie. They find an
eagle in a rock in about thirty seconds. Strangely, it looks like an
eagle with a vagina. There’s a hole in the rock in a sort of
compromising-looking spot. And, of course, the clue tells them that they
must stick their hand in the bird’s rock vagina. Nic Cage totally goes
for it. He’s all about bird vagina.
So Nic Cage pulls
some lever in the bird vagina that opens up a passage into an awesome
catacomb of relics but after they get inside the entrance caves in
leaving them trapped. The sidekick notices the one little gold statue in
the whole room and starts walking toward it saying, “It’s a little
golden man...”
Jeanne: That’s
totally a trap.
He reaches it and
it’s totally a trap.
Jeanne: I called
it! It’s the only piece of gold. Of course it’s a trap.
So the room starts
disintegrating and becomes just one giant square slab balancing on a
pillar. Nic, sidekick, German and Ed Harris are all trapped on it. Helen
Mirren and John Voight were far enough back to avoid getting stuck on
the square so they try to find another way around. Nic Cage starts
getting everyone to move around in order to tilt one corner of the
platform up to reach a ladder on the wall. This all seems pretty
pointless. Ed Harris starts fucking with the balance when Nic Cage tries
to get to the ladder first because he wants to go first.
Jeanne: They
should just push him off.
Richard: Nic Cage
is no murderer.
Jeanne: Unless you
consider murdering the genre of film…then maybe.
Anyway, everyone
makes it off the balance cube of death. They all walk into a giant
chamber where, much like the first movie, they use a torch to light a
ditch filled with oil so that the flame snakes through the whole room
providing enough illumination to ooh and aah to.
Chris: This is
from the fucking last movie.
Jeanne: Yeah,
where they lit the one thing and it lit the whole room. I guess that was
common among Incas and Masons alike.
They follow a path
down into a giant water-filled room.
Jeanne: They’ve
got to shut off the water. I bet there are ways to shut off the water.
Chris: It’s like a
video game.
Jeanne: It’s like
Lara Croft.
Richard: Helen
Mirren’s like Lara Croft.
The scene shifts
over to John Voight and Helen Mirren who were separated from the group
before the cube of death. So since they’re pretty old they get to face
way easier challenges. Instead of having to balance on a thousand year
old cube of rock teetering on a crumbling pillar they just have to grab
a rope together and swing across a three foot wide gap in the path.
That’s it. So sad. They manage to get across, both falling to the
ground. Jeanne worries for the safety of their hips.
Jeanne: We’re old
but we did it! Let’s have sex. Did you bring your Viagra?
Richard begins to
laugh uncontrollably. There’s nothing funnier than old people doing it.
So back in the
water room, Nic Cage finds a giant wheel. They all help turn it and the
water totally starts to drain away revealing a giant golden city.
Madness!
We also find out
that Ed Harris is fucking crazy and he slandered the good Gates family
name just to con them into searching for the golden city just so he
could harass and follow them so that once it was found he could claim to
have found it himself and make famous the Wilkinson family name. Dude,
just fuck Britney Spears. That’s how everyone else seems to make a name
for themselves.
Unfortunately, in
this moment of weirdness while everyone is awed by the pretty gold city,
the mechanism that drained the city breaks. Fucking Incas and their
shitty carpentry. So the city begins to flood. The only exit that they
find involves a lever that must be held open by someone while the others
exit into a tunnel. This means one person must stay behind and drown. Ed
Harris freaks the fuck out and demands he be able to go first. Everyone
concedes to this but when Nic Cage goes to hold open the door for Ed
Harris to leave first everyone else is swept through by the force of the
current and Ed Harris struggles to get to the door because of the rising
water. He ends up being pushed back to the lever. Nic Cage tries his
best to save Ed Harris but it ends up being impossible and Ed Harris
accepts that he will have to stay. He asks Nic Cage to give him credit
for discovering the golden city in exchange for him drowning and
everything in order to let Nic Cage out.
Nic Cage and
company emerge from the tunnel and are greeted by the FBI who are still
pissed about that whole kidnapping-the-president-thing. Now that Nic
Cage has stumbled upon the symbol of gold and all, the president tells
his troops that Nic Cage didn’t kidnap him but actually saved him when
they became accidentally trapped in a tunnel. He’s a total dick for not
having told them that before. The president announces that Nic Cage’s
family name has been cleared and Nic Cage makes sure that Ed Harris will
be credited along with them with the discovery of the city. Aww…how
nice. The next scene involves all of them down in a now emptied city of
gold excavating and cataloguing everything.
Richard: It’s even
kind of funny watching Nic Cage drink out of a cup with a straw.
Jeanne: He does do
everything like an alien.
Richard: He’s like
Starman.
Jeanne: Is this
what KPax was like?
The president asks
Nic Cage about the mysterious Page 47 which Nic Cage claims will blow
your mind. I guess we will have to wait for the sequel, National
Treasure 3: This Time We Steal Your Mom! Nic Cage and the German
reconcile and fireworks go off and everyone’s happy…except Ed Harris.
Jeanne: Gay.
Richard: There’s
more Jeanne. It’s not even over yet.
The sidekick walks
outside and sees his Ferrari. The President was nice enough to
un-impound it for him. He then goes speeding off into the credits. I
hope his ass got pulled over.
The Saturday
Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:
Jeanne Lopez,
Cookie Monster
Rick Sayre,
Pop-Culture Critic
Christopher
Wilson, Vampire Hunter

BrooklynGang@picturesandframesmagazine.com
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