Photo Courtesy © MGM

My Blueberry Nights

Directed by: Wong Kar-Wai

Written by: Wong Kar-Wai and Lawrence Block       

Starring: Norah Jones, Jude Law, David Strathairn, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, Chan Marshall

Perhaps true love is savoring blueberry pie. That's what director Wong Kar-Wai (In the Mood for Love) believes in his first English feature, a traveling cross-country road portrait of everyday life and love. Anticipating this film for several months, it's truly a romantic springtime indulgence. Featuring my girl Norah Jones in her screen debut, its cast is illuminated by Jude Law, David Strathairn, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman and Chan Marshall (a.k.a. Cat Power). My Blueberry Nights was the opening film at Cannes last year and Kar-Wai describes the film as "a story of a woman who takes the long route instead of the short one to meet up with the man she loves."

Jones is Elizabeth, a beautiful and wandering young woman devastated after breaking up with her cheating boyfriend. After weeping and stumbling across city streets with his key, she finds comfort in a nearby cafe's key collection and disjointed conversations with its main man Jeremy (Law). A crutch becomes nourishment by way of blueberry pie; the only confectionary treat that's left untouched each evening. And where there is hunger, there is always love.

Suddenly ready to start over, she busses off to Memphis as Lizzie, working by day as a waitress and bartending the evening to reach her goal: purchasing a car. She writes postcards to Jeremy with more feeling than detail. He desperately seeks to find where she is exactly and phones all the joints in the area, inspiring lovers that connecting is often hard work and tiresome.

Arnie (Strathairn) is a local tenderhearted policeman, sad and broken from his wife Sue Lynne (an ever-sultry southern Weisz) leaving him. At the bar, he shares with Lizzie his continued attempts at sobering up. One evening as Sue Lynne enters, a younger man in tow, he threatens her with his gun. It's a segment that humbles viewers with the intensity of love.

Then as Beth, Elizabeth finds herself waitressing the high stakes at a casino outside of Vegas. Badass Leslie (Portman) is a talented poker player that propositions Beth for her savings for a portion of her winnings, or her convertible. Telling Beth she lost, they ride together to Vegas to visit Leslie's father for money. Beth takes a call on Leslie's phone informing her of Leslie's father's grave health and oncoming death. Leslie thinks it's a joke but when Beth enters the hospital for her, the two strangers become soul sisters.

Returning to New York a traveled, heartened woman, Elizabeth visits her ex-boyfriend's apartment and finds it up for rent. She crosses the street to Jeremy, who's been saving a plate for her. The rest is history: recklessly oozing vanilla ice cream, yummy and undeniable.

Jehan@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Universal Pictures

Leatherheads

Directed by: George Clooney

Written by: Duncan Brantley and Rick Reilly

Starring: George Clooney, Renée Zellweger, John Krasinski, Jonathan Pryce, Stephen Root

George Clooney’s latest directorial effort is a bit of a departure from his previous works. Unlike the stylish satire of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind or the social conscience of Good night, and good luck, Clooney opts for near vaudevillian humor with Leatherheads. The movie is a comical look at the early days of professional football, but beneath its sports film exterior is a story about American history and a clashing romance. What I particularly liked about the film is its clear homage to the screwball comedies of Howard Hawks and Preston Sturges. Not unlike the Coen Brothers’ 1994 film The Hudsucker Proxy, this picture seems to take its influences to the next level, by making it seem like Leatherheads could have been made in the 1930s.

Clooney is charming and entertaining, as usual, allowing himself to dive head first into the wackiness of the character and situations. He and co-star John Krasinski embrace the over-the-top comedic acting that this type of film allows. Renée Zellweger, playing the archetypal, Rosalind Russell-esque fast-talking gal, fits right in with the time and tone of the movie.

What is also nice about the film is that you don’t have to be a football fan to enjoy it. I’m sure it probably makes it better for those who follow the sport, but it’s not a pre-requisite for being carried away to 1925 and delighting in the whimsical humor that Clooney and company deliver. It’s definitely worth a look and definitely worth quite a few laughs.

David@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Paramount Pictures

Stop-Loss

Directed by: Kimberly Peirce

Written by: Mark Richard and Kimberly Peirce

Starring: Ryan Phillippe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Channing Tatum, Timothy Olyphant, Mamie Gummer, Linda Emond, Ciarán Hinds and Abbie Cornish.

Sitting through Kimberly Peirce’s sophomore film, Stop-Loss, was a lot harder than I expected. Not because it wasn’t a great film, which it is, or because I didn’t enjoy it or find it engrossing, both of which I thoroughly did. It was hard to watch the film because it was strikingly real. Too real. There were moments in the film that I have heard American soldiers and veterans of this Iraq war themselves describe. There were lines of dialogue that were eerily reminiscent of testimonies that I have read…and it all struck a painful chord.

Clearly Peirce did her homework. Much like her debut film, Boys Don’t Cry, which tells the story behind the life and tragic death of Brandon Teena, Stop-Loss feels authentic because of the amount of time and effort that obviously went into researching the film. Peirce spent years talking to soldiers and veterans of this war and even her own brother, himself a soldier who has done several tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. The result is a film that many have likened to Deer Hunter, a comparison that fits when you look at the importance of the subject matter of both films and their relevancy at the time that they were released.

Unless you read the paper or watch the news frequently, chances are you don’t know too much about the term “stop-loss.” The stop-loss policy was created shortly after the Vietnam War and it states that the military can involuntarily extend the service of an active duty officer under the guise of their initial enlistment contract. What that means is that a soldier who signed up to serve eight years in the army (which is what the standard contracts state)—2 to 4 of which he actually serves in the war, the other four which he is supposed to serve at home on a reserve base—can (and, considering our current predicament, most likely will) be called to serve those remaining four years fighting an indefinite war. As a result of this policy, over 12,000 soldiers have been stop-loss since the Iraq War first began.

This is a very hard concept to wrap your head around and Peirce does an incredible job in the film of not only explaining the inane bureaucracy of the military but also captures the essence of what is at stake with this issue: the lives of American soldiers. Stop-loss is moving and profound, with moments that will drive straight into your heart, and that is due almost entirely to Peirce’s direction, her terrific screenplay, co-written with Mark Richard, and the tenacity of the cast. Being a big fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt (I do believe that he is the best actor of my generation) I was a little disappointed as to how small his role ultimately is in the film, but it is still a pivotal one and Gordon-Levitt delivers an emotionally graceful and mature performance. His sadness as the haunted Tommy is not easy to shake off.

The big surprise in Stop-Loss, however, is Ryan Phillippe. Having seen him in Gosford Park and Breach, I knew that he was capable of dramatic acting (and, I have to admit, he was pretty enjoyable in Cruel Intentions), but I had no idea that he could carry a film. There is so much that is required of Phillippe as Staff Sergeant Brandon King—physically, emotionally and mentally—and he pulls it all off tenderly and effortlessly. So many of the moments that stayed with me days after having watched Stop-Loss were due to Phillippe’s performance, and that is something that, with all due respect, I never thought I would say.

I won’t be shocked if Stop-Loss is all but ignored come next year’s awards season. Regardless of what you may have read or how much money the film brought in at the box office, this is this year’s first truly “required viewing.”

Lily@picturesandframesmagazine.com

DVD'S:

Photo Courtesy © Roadside Attractions

Starting Out in the Evening

Andrew Wagner’s film Starting Out in the Evening is one of those films that never really broke through to the mainstream despite some early awards season buzz for leading actor Frank Langella. The film is about a young scholar (played by Lauren Ambrose) who is writing her master’s thesis on an author (Langella) who has written four novels, all of which have gone out-of-print. She clearly worships the man and, over time, becomes a part of his life.

Meanwhile, his daughter (Lili Taylor) has rekindled a romance her father disapproves of, while trying to decide what to do about her ticking biological clock. Based on a novel by Brian Morton, Starting Out in the Evening could have been turned into a very dull May-December romance in the hands of Hollywood, but Wagner (and co-adaptor Fred Parnes) has made a film that is poignant and tender. It helps that the three leads are a trio of wonderful actors. After five years of scene-stealing as Claire on “Six Feet Under,” it’s exciting to see Ambrose again, and Lili Taylor’s warmth will win over everyone. However, it really is Langella who walks away with this picture. He plays a man who seems to have become isolated, who has moved further and further away from his most brilliant work, who is trying to finish one last work before his failing health gets the better of him, and does such a beautiful and delicate job of it. It’s a fascinating performance by a stellar actor.

When it comes to DVD features, I’m one of those people who will watch every single thing, including (especially) the commentary. Granted, after 10 years of collecting DVDs, most behind the scenes stuff has become dull and in many cases when a commentary is part of the package, repetitive. The commentary for Starting Out… (which is the only special feature on the disc aside from trailers) is one I was looking forward to hearing but turned out to be the sort that I detest. It’s essentially writer/director Wagner literally telling you what is happening in the movie while it is happening. For example:

Heather (in film): I never told you why your books are so important to me.

Wagner (in commentary): And she tells him why his work means so much to her.

Heather (in film): Your novels set me free.

Wagner (in commentary): His novels set her free.

Yes, there are some moments that lend insight into the filmmaker’s intentions, but sadly, most of the commentary is like narration for the blind. In the final analysis, this is unimportant though; what is special about the DVD is the film itself.

Rick@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Lionsgate

Good Luck Chuck

"It was completely, unnecessarily crude but totally perfect. You'll be laughing out loud and cooing at sweet moments. Love makes you crazy. Watch this ruckus and you'll instantly feel life lighten and brighten. "

Photo Courtesy © Sony Pictures

The Jane Austen Book Club

"I fell asleep half way through. This could have been much better. Like, so much better. Was it shot in one day? Did the directors really read any of her work? Emily Blunt is fierce, though."

Jehan@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Dimension Films

The Mist

The movie opens on The Punisher painting stuff. There’s a storm outside. Suddenly a tree crashes through a window in his house.

Jeanne: Dude, that tree kicked the ass of that house.

The Punisher and family explore the damage after the storm passes. In addition to the tree through the window there was a second tree that crushed the shit out of a boathouse. Trees 2, Houses 0.

Jeanne: (not all that into this very crucial first 3 minutes of the movie) I think this might be a mistake.

Richard: Yeah, a big MISTake…(get it…that’s what the movie’s called. Hilarious, I know.)

Jeanne: I think in the war of trees versus houses the trees have had a solid win in this one.

Richard: It’s true but the trees were all kind of kamikaze pilots. The trees themselves are also dead.

The Punisher and family stand at the edge of the lake by the murdered boathouse and comment on the ominous looking fog rolling down from the mountain. Fog? Hmm, maybe a better term for it would be mist…THE MIST!

Richard: I don’t like his wife. She’s annoying.

Chris: (The only one of us who has actually read the book by Stephen King) Don’t worry; you won’t see her for long.

Jeanne: I don’t like that kid. Is he gonna go, too?

Richard: I think the kid’s cute.

Jeanne: I just don’t like child actors. (We all knew that though when she suggested that little Dakota Fanning was fucking the neighbor in Hide and Seek.)

The Punisher goes to his neighbor’s house to get his insurance. It turns out that the tree that killed the boathouse was from his neighbor’s yard. Previous arguments between The Punisher and his neighbor are alluded to.

Richard: It’s fucked up that I think that Thomas Jane’s really hot, right?

Jeanne: (without hesitation) Yes.

Chris: He’s a handsome guy.

Jeanne: No, he’s not.

Richard: Maybe it’s ‘cause all that I can think of sometimes is him fucking Angelina Jolie in that movie.

Jeanne: What movie? I thought that he was only in The Punisher?

Richard: Original Sin.

Jeanne: Oh. People saw that!? You saw that?!

Richard: I also saw The Sweetest Thing and I thought that he was kind of cute in that, too.

Jeanne: He was kind of cute in that. But I don’t know. I find him kind of weird looking. Especially in…what was that movie…Thank  You for Smoking? (There’s a running joke in the house about how Jeanne can’t tell the difference between Aaron Eckhart and Thomas Jane. But seriously, they’re like twins.) Editor’s Note: No. They’re really not, Jeanne. One—Eckhart—is extremely attractive; the other, not so much.

Richard: That was Aaron Eckhart!

Jeanne: He was totally weird looking in that movie. It was like he was a whole other person. (You see, it was a joke.)

So, The Punisher, his neighbor and his kid take off and leave his wife at home so that they can go to the store and get stuff. Sucks for his wife. Although it makes us happy since we didn’t like her much anyway. Oh, this is a spoiler but she totally doesn’t make it.

Chris: (Appalled by the camera work) What was that…like that zoom?

Richard: Oh my god, that’s Capote! (He works at the supermarket…maybe like a manager or something.)

Jeanne: He looks like a leprechaun. (She hates small people. Bitch.)

Marcia Gay Harden walks in. Jeanne can’t handle her prudish style. Chris clears things up by saying that she’s a religious nut. It’s like we’ve got our own Cliffs Notes. We should just turn off the movie, dim the lights, and let Chris lull us to sleep by telling us the 10-minute version of this slightly-over-two-hours movie. It would save time. And Jeanne wouldn’t be able to make any more Punisher-looks-like-Aaron-Eckhart-jokes.

Richard: That’s Toby Jones (the leprechaun) and I love him. Don’t fuck with him.

Jeanne: He’s a leprechaun. I wouldn’t fuck with them; I hear they’re mean.

Richard: (Tired of the whole grocery store thing) Okay, they’re in the grocery store…we get it.

Jeanne: But they never leave the grocery store.

Richard: Are you kidding me!?

Chris: Did you even see the commercials for this?

A few soldiers enter the store.

Richard: Go hot soldiers!

Jeanne: He’s not hot.

Richard: He’s really not.

Jeanne: He looks like he had bad plastic surgery. (FYI we’re talking about Samuel Witwer and I swear he’s got the face of a failed experiment. It’s like Dr. Frankenstein took all of the parts that are supposed to equal a handsome man: ass chin, square jaw, defined cheekbones…but when they all got glued together it came out more like Jaslene from “America’s Next Top Model” than like Superman. He scares me. Maybe if he just lightened up on the eyebrow waxing it would help but most likely he’d be better served to go the way of Leatherface and just cover that shit up…it doesn’t have to be with lady’s skin but whatever works.)

Chris: I don’t like the zoom…what…what’s with all the zooms? It’s very TV.

Richard: (referring to scary soldier) His eyebrows scare me.

Jeanne: Does he wax them or is he just like the joker?

Suddenly a siren sounds and freaks the shit out of everyone at the grocery store. A man runs inside and tells them to shut the door because there’s something in the mist and it took a friend of his. He’s all bloody so people believe him. The mist is rolling down the street like a fucking train. That shit comes fast. A man makes a mad dash for his car in the parking lot of the supermarket but the mist covers the car and then you hear him screaming. Fucked up, right? With that evidence everyone shuts themselves into the grocery store. At least they won’t go hungry. Imagine if they’d been at the hardware store…or the porn shop…they’d have no sustenance. Although at the porn shop they’d be way more entertained and they totally wouldn’t have to deal with any religious nuts there.

Jeanne: Wasn’t there an old movie that was like this? There were ghosts…The Fog?

As the mist passes over the grocery store everything starts shaking. Chris points out that there was no shaking in the book. A woman starts freaking out that she has to get home to her kids. Religious nut says that the woman needs to stay in the store because, clearly, this is the end times. The woman with the kids keeps on about it. She reveals that she’s the Britney Spears of their Maine town and she left her 8-year-old daughter and young son home alone. Mother of the year. Chick says some corny lines like, “Won’t somebody here see a lady home?” Nobody will. She walks out into the fog alone. So sad. The Punisher tries to comfort his son who’s freaking the fuck out and calling for his totally deceased mommy. The Punisher goes out to the loading dock in the back to look for blankets for his son.

Chris: I hate the cinematography.

Richard: The cinematography hates you, Chris.

Chris: Good.

While on the loading dock, the generator for the store starts to smoke and whine. He shuts it off which plummets him into darkness. Dumbass. He trips and falls over stuff while trying to find his way out. Somehow the lack of power and generator doesn’t appear to make a difference in the main part of the store. I’ll chalk this up to some ‘suspension of disbelief’ stuff.

The religious nut keeps preaching to people about the beast and the reckoning and all sorts of other shit.

Jeanne: Dude, when you need to start killing people for food, kill that Marcia Gay Harden chick first.

Richard: It’s gonna be a long time. They’re in a grocery store.

Jeanne: They could just kill her ‘cause she’s annoying.

So back on the loading dock, in the dark, with The Punisher…something starts banging on the loading dock door and trying to push the door in. That would suck. William Sadler and the other redneck mechanic walk back onto the loading dock just after the noise stops but just in time to see The Punisher shitting himself. They laugh at him and make the rocking suggestion to lift the loading dock door and send someone out to clear whatever’s blocking the fan on the generator. They nominate the young redneck kid that’s like the mechanic’s apprentice or something. That guy’s totally not going to make it. The Punisher tries to explain that there might be something out there in the Mist that wants to snack on them like they’re just giant Snickers bars but the mechanics pull together as poor folk not willing to be duped by rich folk. Nicely done. The results: young kid gets his ass eaten by some fucked up tentacle creature that wraps around him and takes bites out of him with its slightly vaginal-looking tentacle mouths. Poor People 0, Rich People 1.

After the fight, a chunk of tentacle gets severed from the monster and left on the floor in the loading area. The door is finally shut and the remaining two mechanics and The Punisher are all mentally scarred.

They decide that they can’t just go out there and tell everyone what happened because people won’t believe them. Somehow, the fact that they have a fucking foot of scary tentacle as proof escapes them. They go and get the leprechaun. He sees the tentacle, hears the story and they all try to come up with a game plan. The plan involves beer and getting The Punisher’s neighbor back there ‘cause he’s like a lawyer and a pillar of the community and people will listen to him if he tells them not to freak the fuck out. Bad idea because the neighbor hates The Punisher because of some dispute they’d had a few years back. He makes a big stink in front of everyone about how there’s nothing in the fog and that The Punisher has made this all up just to embarrass him. Self-centered much? This is a pretty elaborate setup just to make fun of him. And somehow no one thinks to just go to the back, grab the tentacle and slap this jackass in the face with it. The neighbor and some other’s who have sided with him decide to leave right then. No one is able to convince them otherwise. They try to convince him to tether a rope around his waist just so they’ll know he got at least 300 feet from the store. He refuses but a biker guy agrees to go out tethered to try and get a shotgun from some guy’s truck so that they’ll have another weapon. The neighbor leaves with his cronies. We never find out if they made it. I like to think that they didn’t ‘cause that guy was a dick.

Cut to a scene with Marcia Gay Crazy in the ladies room. She is in a stall lined with candles and praying to God. Mostly she’s just talking shit about how everyone in town’s a heathen who deserves to burn in hell but that she’ll try her hardest to preach to them and get them to turn their back on their devilish ways to join her because she’s all the chosen one and shit. Chick’s fucking crazy. They totally should have shoved this chick in front of a car like a decade ago. She’s trouble with a capital God complex. A chick walks in and interrupts her prayer ‘cause she needs to, you know, pee…and the ladies room seems like an appropriate place.

Jeanne: How dare you pee in this house of worship!

The biker heads out with the neighbor. He makes it about 200 feet when he either learns how to fly or something big grabs him and starts chewing on him 50 feet in the air. The Punisher and some others are trying to hold on to the rope and reel the guy back in but the rope just keeps getting pulled away from them. The rope goes slack and they start reeling it in…I say it because all that makes it back are a set of legs. Sucks for the biker. Although totally positive for Marcia Gay Crazy who uses this as proof that God needs EXPIATION! She’s big on that word. It’s something about blood.

Jeanne: (Still creeped out by the scary soldier) I don’t know; it’s like maybe he’s killed somebody and is wearing their face.

(Apparently some chick actually likes this guy. I know, that’s the hardest thing for me to buy so far.)

So night has come and some people are hanging out by the front window. They’d tried to reinforce it with bags of puppy chow but there are small gaps in it where people can look out. A guy sets his flashlight in that space and suddenly a giant fucking bug-thing crashes into the window. It’s attracted to the light. It’s got a giant stinger like a scorpion. Basically, it’s the scariest bug ever. It’s the bug that lands on your face in your nightmares. Since these people are retarded they start putting more and more lights against the glass to draw in more bug creatures ‘cause, you know, glass is super sturdy and this won’t turn out to be a bad idea.

Richard: Thomas Jane has great arms.

Inevitably, the bug creatures covering the glass have attracted these big pterodactyl looking creatures that feed on them. As they swoop in and snatch the bugs off of the glass they crack it until it finally just gives way in parts and the pterodactyl’s get in. William Sadler gets the wrong message and starts turning on even more lights. Way to go. A bug flies in through a hole in the glass and lands on the only woman in the world willing to make out with the scary soldier. She gets stung, swells up, and dies looking a little like Fat Bastard, which, honestly, makes her look a little more like the kind of girl that the scary soldier should be with anyway.

The Punisher comes up with the brilliant idea to burn the pterodactyl creatures that got in. Great idea except when they’re on fire they still fly around and end up setting the store on fire and if the store burns everyone’s sort of screwed. Luckily they are able to eventually burn and shoot the couple of pterodactyl’s that got in but two people die from animal attacks and one guy manages to set himself on fire while trying to set a creature on fire. The whole time Marcia Gay Crazy is spouting religious crap. We have a brief glimmer of hope that she’ll eat it when a bug lands on her chest but it must sense the bad taste of crazy and it flies away without stinging her. Damn. This is just going to reinforce her belief that she’s Jesus or something. She starts quickly gaining followers and preaching to them that God wants a sacrifice. Way to make a bad situation all the worse, Gay Crazy! So the burned guy is begging for the leprechaun to shoot him in the head and a chick is found dead in the morning after she OD’d. Dude, haven’t you ever heard of sharing? The Punisher decides they have to try and get painkillers and antibiotics to keep the burned guy from dying. There’s a pharmacy next door so an expedition is mounted.

The Punisher also decides that after medication is brought back to the dying guy that he, his son, and whoever wants to go with them should get some groceries, get into his car and leave before Gay Crazy starts bathing in the blood of the philistines. The mission is comprised of The Punisher, an old lady (nobody knows a pharmacy as well as an old lady), William Sadler, and some disposable people who won’t make it back. Gay Crazy makes a big stink when they’re trying to leave because she says that by them going outside they will draw the attention of the bad things and that their hubris will condemn them all. As she rants and rants about the wrath of god the old lady throws a canned good at Gay Crazy’s head and shuts her up for a minute at least.

Jeanne: I’m with the old lady.

Richard: Oh, she’s the one who knows the pharmacy well.

Jeanne: She’s an old lady. Old ladies spend like half their life there.

Richard: Can’t you get your pharmaceuticals online?

Jeanne: Old people don’t know how to use the Internet! That’s why they have that phone…what is that?

Chris: The Jitterbug.

Richard: (In his best old lady voice) It’s so easy to use. I can see all of the numbers!

Chris: (In another old lady voice) I like the big numbers. (In the voice of the operator) Mrs. Jones, I see you’ve called a new number. Would you like to add that to your… I like how there’s an operator who comes on.

Richard: That has to be the worst job ever. To be the operator who takes care of the Jitterbug people. You just talk to confused old people all day. It’s like being a waiter at Denny’s.

During the diversion The Punisher and his guys are able to muscle their way through the crazy town folks and head to the pharmacy. They make it through the mist to the pharmacy but the door has been propped open. Hmm…do you think that means bad stuff’s inside? This is the scene where I covered my eyes for 10 minutes. So after scouring the pharmacy for a few minutes one of the guys stumbles across a soldier inside a giant spiders web in the back of the store. He’s apparently a living egg sac. He tries to talk and says something about it all being the military’s fault before things on his face start to pop and little baby spiders start to come out. This is where I throw up a little in my mouth. Have I ever told you just how much I don’t like spiders? Well, a lot. And giant evil mutant spiders are even worse.

So I’m going to sort of fast forward through this…there’s spiders, they kill some people, and they don’t kill other people. It’s gross. The end. The one’s who don’t die make it back to the grocery store and Gay Crazy shouts the whole Expiation speech again. William Sadler is now a new disciple of Gay Crazy. I guess seeing giant evil spiders will do that to you. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the spider’s webs are acid. So if they spit at you it burns you. Yeah, worst 10 minutes of any movie ever. Even Wes Bentley’s scenes in Ghostrider.

The burned guy dies anyway. Gay Crazy has turned the frozen food section into her sermon on the mount. A few people are still holding out with The Punisher in their dreams of escape. While Gay Crazy is riling up her rednecks, the scary soldier finds that the two other soldiers in the grocery store have hung themselves in the loading dock. He confesses to the The Punisher that the mist and everything was caused by the military creating some weird wormhole into another dimension that decided to come on over uninvited. I guess the other two couldn’t handle it. Unfortunately, the scary soldier is overheard by William Sadler who grabs him and takes him to Gay Crazy for that whole expiation thing. Scary soldier tries to explain that he’s just a grunt not a scientist. He didn’t do anything personally to bring about Armageddon. Well, expiation doesn’t care whether you’re Steve Jobs or the dumbass at the Apple store who says he can’t make your iPod stop frowning. So Gay Crazy drags scary soldier into the crowd, has him sort of confess, shouts that God thinks he’s guilty and blames him for abortion and stem cell research and then, when the soldier tries to make a run for it, the deli guy stabs him in the gut. I’ll think twice now before I get all picky about how thick my turkey slices are. The scary soldier gets chucked outside and locked out. Everyone watches as something comes out of the mist and eats him. I guess it’s better than slowly bleeding to death but not by much.

The Punisher and his remaining not crazy friends decide to leave the next morning. They stash some grocery bags behind one of the registers and try to play it cool. In the morning when they reach the register they find that Gay Crazy has uncovered their plot. She’s waiting for them by the door with her followers. You’d think that she’d be all into getting rid of the heathens but I guess not in any way that might give them a fair chance at not dying. She pulls out a knife and tells her followers that today they need to sacrifice The Punisher’s son in order to appease the angry God. The followers totally go along with this and fall on the group trying to grab the kid and hurt the others. The leprechaun totally rocks the film and shoots Gay Crazy in the stomach and then in the head. Take that bitch! If God loved you so much that shit would have bounced off. He doesn’t love you nearly as much as he loves Superman. With their leader dead, the followers are thrown and sort of just stand around gaping. The Punisher and his group leave sans groceries and head for his car. The leprechaun and two other guys get separated and eaten by spiders. The Punisher, his son, some chick, the old lady, and an old man make it to the car. The Punisher grabs the leprechaun’s gun after he dies and they all haul ass out of there. Hint Hint: The gun will be important.

Chris: (Being the vindictive bastard that I love) Drive through the supermarket!

Jeanne: They should smash the front window and then drive away.

They decide to waste some time by driving by The Punishers house. I guess the kid wasn’t traumatized enough so they had to show him his mom dead and wrapped in spider webs, too. They finally get over the nostalgia and just start driving south in the hopes that the weird other-dimension creatures maybe don’t like South Beach or something. During their drive they see that the whole world seems to have been taken over. At one point they are passed over by an immense creature. Like an elephant passing over an ant. Chris says that this is basically how the book ends. But Hollywood isn’t having any of that sappy, melancholy, leaving you with something to contemplate shit. Instead, the car runs out of gas and The Punisher says that the gun only has four bullets but they have five heads. Everyone, except the kid who was sleeping and hasn’t signed up to the whole suicide pact decision, seems to be into the idea that if the whole world sucks then they should all just get out of it in the death-y kind of way.

Richard: (the prophet) I hope he shoots her and then they get rescued.

The Punisher, being a gentleman, shoots everyone else in the head. Nice. Now he’s stuck without bullets and having just shot his own kid. What would Gay Crazy say about this? He gets out of the car and gets into his doggy-style submission stance against the side of it as he screams and shouts for the creature to go ahead and eat him already. Here’s where Hollywood takes something sad and fucked up and makes it fucking crazy fucked up. Instead of a monster coming out of the mist a military tank rolls out. On it is the Britney Spears mom from the very beginning with her two neglected children. She’s clearly a shitty mom and she never shot one of her kids in the head. Well, at least not one of those two kids. If only The Punisher had sat and sulked for ten more minutes they might all still be alive.

Richard: (In denial of his own prophetic gift) Did he really shoot them all?

Jeanne: What are you going to do? The whole world’s covered in bugs. (Note: If the world is ever taken over by bugs stay away from Jeanne. She might get trigger-happy.)

Richard: That’s fucked up.

Jeanne: This movie is hardcore.

If you’re reading this it means we totally ruined this movie for you but I’ve got to say it’s worth watching so get on your Netflix ASAP and get this shit.

Mist 1, Crash 0.

The Saturday Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:

Jeanne Lopez, Cookie Monster

Rick Sayre, Pop-Culture Critic

Christopher Wilson, Vampire Hunter

BrooklynGang@picturesandframesmagazine.com

MUSIC:

Flight of the Conchords – Flight of the Conchords

After months of listening to the same songs on the Flight of the Conchords EP The Distant Future, I can finally say that I own a copy of the new self-titled full-length album Flight of the Conchords featuring all of the best songs from the hit TV show. I think the last time I enjoyed a musical comedy album so much was Adam Sandler’s What the Hell Happened to Me?

What’s the formula that makes these two albums so good? Well, both albums share two important factors that make them stand out in my book: the lyrics are hilarious and the musical arrangements are good enough to stand on their own. After all, if your songs don’t sound good then it doesn’t matter how funny the lyrics are. I first discovered the Kiwi duo last year when the TV series “Flight of the Conchords” premiered on HBO. Although initially the premise of the show seemed a bit silly (an unknown New Zealand Folk Rock band trying to make it in New York City), Bret and Jemaine manage to pull it off. The combination of great songs and lovable characters makes “Flight of the Conchords” a uniquely honest and fresh style of comedy that provides an original twist to a very repetitive genre.

By recreating the feel and style of popular sounds Flight of the Conchords adds a layer of complexity that shines in the music. Their lyrics find funny and creative ways to talk about serious subjects like love, city pressure, French culture, long legged blondes, Mutha’uckas and politics. The album opens up with “Foux Du Fafa” an ode to all things French, followed by the song we can all relate to “Inner City Pressure.” Next we hit the hip hop track of the album “Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros”: “Who’s the motha flippin’? I’m the motha flippin.” The next track, “Think about It,” feels like Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” with a new sincere and funny spin. “Ladies of the World” is Flight of the Conchords taking on R&B. “Mutha’uckas” is pretty much self-explanatory. “The Prince of Parties” sounds like it should be included in the next Austin Powers movie.

Flight of the Conchord’s tribute to a “Leggy Blonde” is a soulful ballad with a surprise booty-shaking ending. “Robots” is the Sci-Fi track of the album: “Finally robotic beings rule the world.” “Boom” is what happens when Shaggy meets Jemaine Clement. “A Kiss is not a Contract” but it’s very nice—another one for the ladies. One of the nicest melodies on the album is “The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.” Lookout Barry White—the boys from down under are about to hit you with my favorite track off the album: “Business Time.”

“Bowie” was one of the most memorable song sequences of the show’s first season and it is impossible to listen to the song on the album without picturing Jemaine in drag. (If you haven’t seen the episode, Jemaine plays ghost of David Bowie past, truly priceless.) And just like we started, the album ends with a simple but sweet “Au Revoir,” offering more than 15 reasons for you to give Flight of the Conchords a try.

Juanmarcos@picturesandframesmagazine.com

My Blueberry Nights Soundtrack

I have to say that I really love the beautiful films of director Wong Kar-Wai. I also adore the soundtracks to his last two films, 2046 and In the Mood For Love. 2046, in particular, is simply hypnotic. For his first English-language film, My Blueberry Nights, Kar-Wai gives us a soundtrack of mostly contemporary music, kicked off with a new song by the film’s star, Norah Jones.

“The story” is pretty and jazzy and very much in the typical Jones style. In a word: Mellow. This is the same word that can be used to describe the album as a whole. It picks up at times, for sure: Otis Redding’s classic “Try a little tenderness” is always golden and Mavis Staples performing “Eyes on the prize” makes you wanna testify. Another R&B legend, Ruth Brown, contributes a great ballad, “Looking back.”

Kar-Wai fans will appreciate the harmonica version of “Yumeji’s theme” from In the Mood For Love. A standout track is Cassandra Wilson’s previously released cover of the Neil Young classic “Harvest Moon,” which (according to the liner notes) Kar-Wai played on the set to prepare Norah Jones for a sad scene. Finally there are a couple of Cat Power songs, “Living proof” and “The greatest,” which Kar-Wai declares his love for in the notes. This is an album that really captures a mood as perfectly as Kar-Wai’s films do. In short: incredibly dreamy.

Rick@picturesandframesmagazine.com

BOOKS:

Marisha Pessl's Special Topics in Calamity Physics, Larry Doyle’s I Love You, Beth Cooper and Maira Kalman’s The Principles of Uncertainty

Both playfully populist and smarty-pants intellectual, Marisha Pessl's Special Topics in Calamity Physics is too much of a good thing. After 300 pages of literary slogging, at times through bogs of philosophy references and at others through self-conscious dialogue passages meant to be read as firebrand quips, I was ready to stop reading and in no need of a finish. A twisted coming-of-age tale falling somewhere between tremendous and tweeny, Special Topics follows high school senior Blue van Meer as she attempts to unravel the mystery surrounding the suicide of her mentor Hannah Schneider, a more than slightly unstable film teacher who's taken a band of youngin' mixed misfits under her wing. Always on the road with her poli-sci professor father, loner Blue struggles at first to acclimate to Hannah’s standoffish bunch and then later to make amends with them after her death. Pushed and pulled by the hands of multiple secrets, Blue approaches the truth in Pessl's semantic gymnastics somewhere between crime novel and Crime & Punishment. While an interesting intersection, it's also a bit off-putting in the end, tiptoeing in high and lowbrow literature but never plunging into either.

On the flip side, longtime “Simpsons”-penner Larry Doyle, unabashedly embraces the teen sex comedy genre with debut novel I Love You, Beth Cooper. When valedictorian Denis Cooverman speeches out his infatuation with the school's head cheerleader, a storm of silly-scary in the form of Beth's army brat boyfriend punches, kicks and strangles "The Coove" into a bloody and bumbling pulp. Far from a one note, however, the feel-bad beatings are broken up by sweet and funny scenes with movie-quote-hound best friend Rich, the rough and tumble Beth and her quirky companion duo on scene. It's a book namely that's begging for a movie adaptation, although ironically when Doyle tried to sell the story off first as a screenplay he was told by movie executive bigwigs that the plot was thin. Oh, the lack of foresight there which would hit only last summer as Superbad. A fast and charming little ditty of a read, I Love You, Beth Cooper is about as multi-layered as a greasy potato chip but defy it all if it doesn't satisfy and leave you wanting more.

Outshining both of the above novels, children's book writer and illustrator Maira Kalman mesmerizes with The Principles of Uncertainty, an outburst of non sequitur joyousness and hard-boiled, playful truths. Told as a mix of flash writing illustrated with rudimentary paintings and sketches, The Principles of Uncertainty explores existential concerns through a study of personal history and everyday minutia, and although it's always clear that Kalman is the narrator, her specific stories do a justice by transcending into the universal. Hers is the voice of a woman as child, as jester, as lover of humanity and all it offers. As Kalman renders all that in words and images gracefully and with a huge tenderness, she leaves you hoping that one day you'll study your own life so innocently and with such passion.

Noralil@picturesandframesmagazine.com

FICTION:

Photo Courtesy © Jeanne Lopez

I started writing "birdwatching" ten years ago. Set in Atlanta, circa 1999, it is a blatantly romantic fairy tale. I drew inspiration from Armistead Maupin's great series, TALES OF THE CITY, screwball comedies of the 30s & 40s and tons of music. Over the years there are certain songs that I've taped, burnt on cds and made into playlists that have become a sort of "birdwatching soundtrack." I've added many of these songs into an iMix available through iTunes. I hope you'll listen to it and enjoy!

 

“Birdwatching” – Part II

By Rick Sayre

3. Elliot.

The day I met Elliot I was at Piedmont Park again, trying to get Casey's words out of my head. I'd spent the entire week coming in late or staying locked in my room to avoid her. That was the day I spotted what I swear was a Painted Bunting. It was sort of unusual to see it there, so I followed it with my binoculars for a bit. All of the sudden, I felt myself colliding with someone else and we both fell to the ground in a tangled mess.     

"Sorry!" I think I said it before I even got up. I reached for my binoculars and tried to find the bird again, but it was gone and the lenses were covered in dirt. "Damn..."

"Are you okay?" a voice behind me asked. "I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going."

I turned around and saw him. He was a bit taller than me and had these amazing blue eyes and lips and . . . He smiled and I blushed when I realized he'd caught me checking him out. Then something happened. His smile got even bigger and he took a few steps towards me. He opened his mouth to say something. I held my breath and he said:

                        "Are those the new Ziess binoculars?"

 "Oh. Yeah." I noticed another set of binoculars on the ground near his feet. "Those yours?"

"Yeah. But they're ancient. I've had 'em since I was a kid. How's the magnification on these? They're so light!"

"It's great. I mean, anything more and they'd be too heavy. You'd really need a tripod if you wanted-"

                        "Did you see that Bunting?"
                        "Yeah! I couldn't believe it was out here. I mean... A Painted Bunting."

"It was pretty weird wasn't it? Just, that it was out here. I mean, this far south."

"I know. Um."

                        "I’m Elliot Donnelly," he said, offering me his hand.

Part of me was screaming out some alert. Telling me that there was something special about Elliot. Telling me that I'd never met anyone like him. But my head was shouting out something completely different. It was saying "Don't do this to yourself again. It's never going to happen."

I introduced myself and said something like "It's nice to find another birder out here."

"Do you come here often?" he asked, with a sly grin. I responded with a laugh.

"Yeah, every couple of weeks or so. I've been coming out a little more often lately, though. It's going to be cold soon and I won't be able to do this as much."

                        "So you're a devoted birdwatcher, huh?"

"Definitely. And yourself?"
"Actually, I’m a professional." He smiles, "I’m an ornithologist over at the zoo."

4. Van den Budenmayer.

The next day at the store, I was straightening out the Jazz section, Blossom Dearie playing on the stereo, as one of our part-timers was manning the store. Her name was Jill and she was a student at Agnes Scott College who Casey and I had hired earlier that month. She had Ani DiFranco's Righteous Babe Records logo tattooed on her arm and wore a T-shirt that said "Agnes Scott College: No Men? No Problem!” I was making a mental note to order some extra copies of "Kind of Blue" when a voice across from me said, "Excuse me?" I looked up to find Elliot beaming before me. "Do you have any recordings by Van den Budenmayer? He's-"

"A Dutch composer," I interrupted. "Yeah, I know. Let me show you where we’ve got his stuff.” He nodded and I led him to our classical CDs. I had told him the day before about the shop and he mentioned that he might come by. Of course, I never expected to see him again.

"I really enjoyed talking yesterday," he said. "I was wondering if you were doing anything for lunch?"

I almost dropped the stack of CDs I'd been carrying. He bought the Van den Budenmayer disc and I told Jill to keep an eye on the place while I went to lunch. We found a table at the Flying Biscuit Café, down the street from the store. Here I was with this handsome stranger, someone who shares my interests, even makes a living from them, about to have lunch at my favorite restaurant. It has to be a mistake. My stomach did flip-flops. I didn't want to take any of this seriously. I didn't want to have any hope that Elliot might actually be more than just a date or two. I didn't want to sit across from him and wonder if he was going to like me or if I would fall in love and have my heart broken again. But that's exactly what I was doing.

The first five minutes were incredibly awkward. Elliot seemed different than he had the day before. He was sort of shy, a bit quieter. I let my thoughts wander while he ordered, speculating about the fact that we were two total introverts on a date. Both too shy, unsure to know what to say. Although it was refreshing to discover that there was actually someone else who was possibly as socially retarded as me.

The silence was interrupted when he suddenly said, "Oh!" He caught me by surprise and I actually jumped a bit when he said it. "I forgot, I brought you some photos." He handed me an envelope and as I opened it he told me what it was. "They're just a few photos from the zoo, but there are a couple of our Snowy Owl in there. I thought, you know, since you told me yesterday that it's your favorite, maybe you'd like to see her."

His smile came like a chain reaction after he saw the huge one that had spread across my face. The birds were beautiful. There were so many different kinds, some I'd never seen outside of books. Then I saw the Snowy Owl. She took my breath away.

Elliot decided he wanted to study birds when he was 15-years-old. His grandfather, a former military man who spent his final years somewhere out west, spent almost all his spare time birdwatching. The man actually had a pet hawk, which he'd somehow saved. The hawk's wing was severely damaged and while Elliot's grandfather tried to help, it never flew very well again. Instead it remained with the man until it died.

Elliot told me that he was born and raised here in Atlanta. When he was a teen, his parents moved up to Athens, but he stayed here with his Aunt Charlotte. His sister, Allison, remained with their parents until she was a senior in high school. I told him how I grew up in Florida and moved here after high school with my Mom.

“…Now I live with my friend, Casey. And um . . . I don't know. I help her run the record store. I watch birds. Really not too thrilling.”

 "I doubt that."

We found that we both shared a feeling of contentment in our lives. "I've done the club scene and everything, but it's just not for me," he said. "Dean thinks that I'm insane, but I couldn't be happier at home with my books and my birds."

Dean. I thought to myself, Dean. I heard my breath catch, felt my teeth bite hard into my turkey burger.

"Wait, have I told you about Dean?" I shook my head and he went on. "Dean's my closest friend. He works at the aviary with me, but he really wants to be a photographer. We were roommates when I first moved back to Atlanta, but now he lives with his boyfriend out in Little Five Points."

We took our time heading back to the store and even decided to sit for a minute on a park bench. He reached out and put my hand in his. "Ben, can I see you again?"

I smiled one of my biggest and certainly goofiest smiles. "Yeah, I'd love that."

"Ben, can I see you again tomorrow?"

"Uh-huh."

His hand held mine tighter as he moved closer to me and asked, "Ben, can I kiss you?"

I felt myself blush as I nodded my head. He gave me a kiss, a wonderful, sweet kiss, and his lips lingered on mine while his hand brushed the side of my face.

Something was happening here.

When I told Casey about Elliot she was actually more excited about it than I was.

"Waitasec. He's a what?"        

"An ornithologist. He studies birds. Professionally."

"No way. So...?" Casey stood in the hallway pulling up a new pair of jeans that she'd picked up.

"So what?" I knew what she wanted to know, but nothing makes me happier than being a huge pain in Casey's ass.

                        "So are you going to see him again or am I going to have to kill you?"
                        "Yes, I’m definitely going to see him again."

"Oh my God!”
"Casey, you act like you're in shock or something. Besides, don't go making this out to be more than it really is, okay? I mean this was nothing but lunch. We hardly know each other and it'll just take couple more hours for him to discover that he's completely uninterested in me."

"Ben, shut the fuck up for once. Stop selling yourself so short! You're such a pessimist it's not even funny."

"I'm being pragmatic, Case. He's cute, he's kind... he could do so much better than me. He probably just wants to talk about birds, anyway."

She lets out a frustrated groan and throws a pillow at me.

"Ben will you just stop it already? I want you to try something. For once, don't put yourself down so much that you screw things up. Believe in the power of positive thinking. Remember, if you can dream it, you can do it."

"Sure, Dr. Frankenfurter. Whatever."
"No, seriously- Listen, that's how you have to think, right? Just believe that you are the best thing that could ever happen to Mister Birdwatcher or whoever and just watch him fall for you."

"Dude. I'm so inspired that every hair on my body is standing on end. You could be the next Tony Robbins, you should write a book."

                        "Argh!"

                        "Can we please just get out of here before the ice cream shop closes?"

 "Okay, fine. Don't listen to your best friend. Let the love of your life slip through your hands."

5. Mom & Making Porn.

That evening, there was a message from my mom on our answering machine.

"Casey, it's Gayle. Please tell my son to call me as soon as possible. I have some great news!" Mom had never understood that we shared the same answering machine and left all my messages in care of Casey. "I'll be home all night."

                        “…waiting,” I added.

 She answered her phone on the first ring.

                        "Mom?"

                        "Ben?" My mom, acting surprised, even though she knew I'd call her.

"Hey, Mom. I got your message. What's the good news?"
"Oh, you'll never guess. Wait, let me build up the suspense. First, how are you?"

"I'm great, actually," I took a breath and debated telling her about Elliot. She'd love to know that I had met someone. "Actually, you know what? I'm going to build up the suspense too."
"You sound happy, though."

"Yeah... Wait, you wanted me to tell about something."
"Oh yes. I have the best news. My novel's going to be turned into a movie!"

                        "What? When did this happen?"

"I found out this afternoon! I stopped by the music store and that girl with the tattoo said you were out on a hot date, but I thought she must have been kidding."

"Yes, obviously. Well, how about you come over tonight and I'll make you a dinner to celebrate? I can tell you my news then."

"So what are we having?" She asked, as she walked into the kitchen, following me around as I prepared our food, but keeping her distance as if a Marinara attack upon her all white outfit was imminent.

                        "Chicken Parmesan. In theory. If I don't make too much of a mess out of                          it."

"Sounds good. ‘In theory.’ So what news do you have for me?"
"You waited a whole two minutes, I'm very proud."

                        "You're dating someone aren't you? And you haven't told me yet?"

                        "Dating? Ehhh. I don't know. I met this guy."
                        "How? When?"

                        "Mom, you're acting like I just won the presidency or something."

 "Do you know how long it is since you've told me about a boyfriend? There have been two presidents since and one of them served twice."

                        "Storyteller."

"Tell me."

                        "His name is Elliot Donnelly. We met in the park, he's an ornithologist."

"Isn’t that some kind of a doctor?" Her eyes turned into saucers as she imagined introducing her son-in-law, Dr. Elliott Donnelly.

"Mom, I don't even know what this is yet. It's a thing. We met, we had lunch a couple of times, he kissed me-"

"He kissed you? Where did he kiss you?"
"On a park bench." She gives me the -oh come on- look. "Anyway. I don't know what this is. And besides, he's nice and sweet and gorgeous and so far out of my league. I doubt it'll even last much longer."

                        "Ben, I think you're being a bit neurotic."

"Hello, I am neurotic. And you know, despite the fact that I've been in therapy since I was seven years old, thank you very much for that by the way, I'm still this complete basket case."

"And whose fault is that?" I shot her a quick look and melodramatically waved the knife I was using to chop the garlic with. "Oh, now that was a bit hostile."
"Okay, now you're talking to Dad."

"What do you mean?"

"When I was a kid, I heard you say 'you're being hostile' so much that I thought it was just another way of saying 'I love you'. In fact, I think I heard you call dad a neurotic more often than 'sweetheart' or 'honey' or, you know… his name."

"So you blame us for making you a neur- for making you a 'basket case'?"

                        "God, yes."

                        "Have you talked about this with your therapist?"

                        "Every other Tuesday."

"You're going bi-weekly now? Honey, I'll pay for the appointments if you need to go every week."

"Mom!" I smiled and passed her a plate of garlic bread. "Eat something so you'll talk less."

"Wes, where do I go?" Interesting, I hadn't gone out on a date in so long that I had no idea where one might even go.

                        "Well, what do you want to do?"

                        "I don't know. I don't know what I want to do."
                        "Do you intentionally make your life more complicated than it has to be?"

                        "Wes! Help."

                        "Why don't you go to Eddie's Attic? Isn't that your usual hangout?"

 "Yeah, I thought about that but that band is playing there tonight. With that lead singer, the one with the pink hair who thinks she's Tori Amos? I want him to enjoy himself, remember?"
"Oh god, I thought that hag had given up! She waited on me the other day at some sandwich place in Decatur."

                        "Focus, Wes."

                        "Well, the playhouse has a great play running. It's gay, too."

"That sounds excellent. Yes, I won't have to dance or anything and that way we'll have something to talk about afterwards."

"I promise that you will," Wes giggled. "I'll hook you up with some comps at the box office, just give them my name, okay?"

                        "Great. Thanks, Wes, you're a life saver!"

Cut to five hours later and my red-faced embarrassment as I sat figuring out just how to exact my revenge on Wes for sending me and Elliot to see a play called "Making Porn."

6. Bashed & Bed.

One night we went to see Amy Ray play at this bar downtown. My claustrophobia kicked in. We stepped out a side door into some alley, surrounded by garbage cans and an awful smell. Being the clumsy fool that I am, I tripped and pretty much landed in Elliot’s arms. He’s got great arms, by the way. It wasn't until I looked over his shoulder and saw the guys coming that I realized what was about to happen. There were two of them, with vicious eyes. "Ooh faggots," they cooed.

Elliot grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight as he led me away. The shuffle of their feet was our only warning. They grabbed us from behind and as I scratched one guy’s face with my house key, I saw the other one punching Elliot. M