Flyboys (2006)

Directed by: Tony Bill

Written by: Phil Sears, Blake T. Evans and David S. Ward.

Starring: James Franco, Jean Reno, Davis Ellison, Martin Henderson, Jennifer Decker and Lex Shrapnel.

It’s nice when you can travel back in time to a place when life was full of honor, romance and adventure. Now, you might think that I’m a bit crazy but it’s just that I’m in love with the past—after all, love and war go hand in hand just like fear and humor. Which brings me to Flyboys, a nostalgic return to the days of the “Great War,” where millions of people were killed at the expense of a few ambitious (read: psychotic) men.

I’ve always loved the stories of the brave pilots that changed the face of war with their courage and passion. Ever since Howard Hughes’s Hells Angels, aerial dogfights have been a part of cinema history, bringing people to the edge of their seats with their sense of suspense and adventure. Since no studio wanted to back Flyboys, you could say that the film had a rough start; thankfully, a group of filmmakers and investors including producer Dean Devlin and David Ellison, son of Oracle Corp. founder Larry Ellison, spent more than $60 million of their own money to make and market this film.

Director Tony Bill was the man in charge so to speak, although I can’t really say much for his directing. This is his first movie, and his previous experience has been limited to directing television, which is why I feel that he was brought on the project primarily to be directed, not the other way around. I’m pretty sure that Dean Devlin and the rest of the financiers had final say on the film. Regardless of that minor detail, I think that Flyboys succeeds in its mission: to be a fun, action-packed adventure with a twist of romance.

Blaine Rawlings (James Franco) is the misunderstood bad-boy that’s looking for adventure. By joining the legendary Lafayette escadrille, Rawlings and a group of young Americans become part of history. The films love story revolves around the beautiful Lucienne, played by newcomer Jennifer Decker, and our brave pilot Rawlings. Although romance is not the central focus of the story, their brief love affair adds a nice contrast to the reality of the war. Since the majority of the characters are American, Captain Thenault (played by the brilliant Jean Reno) does a great job in giving authenticity to the movie—plus, nobody plays a better Frenchman than Reno. Reed Cassidy (Martin Henderson) also gives a great performance as the ace pilot, the one person that is feared and respected by all.

The only real criticism I have for the film is the fact that the director is virtually unnoticeable. Maybe if Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Peter Jackson or Steven Spielberg had taken this project under their wings we would be talking about a new aerial combat classic, something in the likes of what Wolfgang Petersen did for the submarine with Das Boot. I do hope that this movie sparks a comeback of the biplane on film though— maybe someday I will get my classic dogfight movie after all.

Juan Marcos Percy – Importer/Exporter

The Departed

Directed by: Martin Scorsese

Written by: William Monahan

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, Mark Wahlberg and Vera Farmiga.

Martin Scorsese’s The Departed is the kind of film that makes me want to scream, in a fit of testosterone rage, “Bad Ass.” Now, it’s not that I don’t normally go around saying these words but in the context of a review, having them be the only words on the page would be kind of stupid (not that that’s ever stopped me) so I thought that I would try my best to back up this assertion and explain exactly why the film is so brilliant.

If you’ve seen Infernal Affairs, with the wonderful Tony Leung, then you’re already familiar with the story that drives Scorsese’s film, as it is an adaptation of the good-cop/bad-cop original. Even so, The Departed is just as thrilling and suspenseful as it’s Hong Kong predecessor—the movie grabs you right from the very beginning and doesn’t let go until the end credits roll. William Monahan has written a script that is witty and heartfelt (there’s many a classic quotable line held within it), is realistic and actually makes sense, something that makes it even easier for the talented group of actors assembled onscreen to really shine.

The film takes place in Boston and, as you know, Boston accents are not the easiest to imitate but everyone does an incredible job of subtle fitting in to their characters and their settings. Martin Sheen, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson and Mark Wahlberg, the latter whom really stands out in the film, are all terrific in their roles, but they are all really just supporting characters in the film when alongside the acting talent of Leonardo DiCaprio.

Ever since the publicity storm that was Titanic, DiCaprio has been wisely molding a career for himself that is both challenging and enviable, taking on roles that open rather than limit him as an actor. He averages about one film a year, something that is quite unheard of in Hollywood if you want to “build a successful career,” and it is clear that this is solely because he only works when he thinks it is worthwhile, rather than when his pocketbook feels lighter. Matt Damon’s role in the film required him to be stoic and unfeeling, to maintain a sort of poker face throughout the movie, but DiCaprio had to be all of these and more. He had to essentially play two different roles that required entirely different things, and play them both with an underlying sense of vulnerability, something that isn’t exactly easy when you’re a tough Irish cop from Boston.

Many film critics and historians have remarked that DiCaprio is the modern day De Niro in the classic Scorsese/De Niro onscreen pairing. All of the films that Scorsese has made in the past couple of years have starred DiCaprio and are the better for it. If The Departed is even a glimpse of what’s in store for this team (and their audience) for the next couple of years, I for one am running to the ticket line.

Lily Percy - Editor

The Science of Sleep

Written and Directed by: Michel Gondry

Starring: Gael García Bernal, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Alain Chabat.

Michel Gondry has called his latest film, The Science of Sleep, his most personal work yet and it is easy to see why. The film is filled with all of the quirky and unique characters, sets and visual tricks that we’ve come to expect from the man who brought us The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, one of the greatest love stories ever put to film. But unlike Eternal Sunshine, which had the amazing Charlie Kaufman as its screenwriting genius, The Science of Sleep is lacking a concrete plot, something that, well, tends to matter to most seasoned movie audiences.

In a recent interview with “Studio 360,” Gondry explained that he uses creativity as a way to seduce women, and that he has been doing so since he was a pre-pubescent teenager in France. In that same interview, Gondry also went on to say that he equates “dream making with filmmaking” and it is these two central ideas that pretty much drive The Science of Sleep. Gael García Bernal is adorable as Stéphane, and so is Charlotte Gainsbourg as Stéphanie, and the same can be said for the entire movie. There is no great lesson to be learned with Gondry’s film, no deeper truth will manifest or resolve itself by the end of the film; as long as you understand this and go into the movie simply seeking to be entertained you will actually be entertained. Plus, getting to stare at Bernal for two hours is always an added bonus, well worth your $10.50.

Lily Percy - Editor

DVD'S:

Manderlay (2005)

Written and Directed by: Lars Von Trier

Starring: Bryce Dallas Howard, Isaach De Bankole, Danny Glover, Willem Dafoe, Michael Abiteboul, Lauren Bacall, Jean-Marc Barr, Geoffrey Bateman, Jeremy Davies, Chloe Sevigny, Udo Kier, John Hurt (Narrator).

I attended the Miami Film Festival’s closing night ceremony a couple of years ago and the film chosen to close the festival that year was Lars Von Trier’s Dogville. Without much hesitation I can say that by the end of night Dogville became part of my short list of movies to take to a deserted island.

Everything about the movie was innovative—from the absence of sets and scenery to the dramatic portrayal of the good, the bad, and the ugly of the human element. Recently I came across Manderlay after searching for one of Lars Von Trier’s earlier works, The Kingdom (which will be the topic of discussion for another occasion). Somehow I was completely unaware that Manderlay was the continuation of Dogville; hell, I was unaware that it even existed. As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to see it, but in the back of my mind I started to wonder how the director could follow up the incredible experience that is Dogville.

Manderlay is the second installment in Lars Von Trier’s trilogy about America. Shot using the same style and techniques as Dogville, Manderlay continues where “Dogville” left off. Grace Margaret Mulligan (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard), her father (now played by Willem Dafoe) and his army of gangsters are in search of a place to lay low. After crossing into the state of Alabama they decide to stop and rest right in front of the Manderlay plantation. Little did they know that what lay behind the gates would cause all of their plans to change.

Much like the situations set by the town of Dogville, Manderlay is filled with people that choose to ignore the outside world. Slavery is the topic that moves Grace this time around—she fights to free and educate a small community of black plantation workers that are unaware that slavery was abolished years back. Knowing that she was going to be unable to resolve this situation by herself she convinces her father to lend her some of his men in order to punish the white plantation owners for the years of slavery inflicted on the residents of Manderlay.

Once again the subject matter will open your eyes, forcing you to ask some hard questions about America’s not so fine legacy. The acting is superb—Bryce Dallas Howard gives the character of Grace an innocence that carries the story forward past the legacy left by her predecessor Nicole Kidman. Wilhelm (Danny Glover) is the most surprising character of the film. His wisdom, his courage and his support help Grace to turn the plantation around. Unfortunately, he is also the only one that knows the truth of what really happened at Manderlay. The ending is an unexpected surprise, not as gratifying as Dogville, but just as powerful. The only thing that this film lacks is the element of surprise; it looks so much like Dogville that this might cause you to feel like you already know what’s about to happen. The film closes with these words: “America had proffered its hand, discreetly perhaps, if anybody refused to see a helping hand he really only had himself to blame.” Currently Lars Von Trier is working on the third installment of his America series entitled Washington. I can’t wait.

Juan Marcos Percy – Importer/Exporter

The Maltese Falcon: Three-Disc Special Edition

Okay, normally I groan and roll my eyes when studios do the DVD double dip. However, Warner Brothers tends to get it right the second time around when it comes to re-releasing classic films. A stellar case in point would be the new three-disc edition of John Huston’s classic The Maltese Falcon. Based on crime novelist Dashiell Hammett’s book, The Maltese Falcon follows that most famous of gumshoes, Sam Spade, through a spider’s web of seduction, murder and double crosses.

Spade is an icon—a private dick to whom every mystery solver in cinema from Chinatown to Brick can be traced—and no one played him like Humphrey Bogart. Want proof? It’s right here. The best part of this special edition is probably the inclusion of two other versions of Hammett’s novel. The first, 1931’s The Maltese Falcon, is a fair adaptation. In the role of Spade is Ricardo Cortez, who has a creepy alligator smile and makes our hero seem a bit sleazy. Most of the performances are overly cartoonish, in particular Dudley Digges as Gutman. It may be telling that my favorite character in this version of the film was Spade’s receptionist, Effie, played by Una Merkel, who would also appear in the comedy Private Lives that same year.

The second adaptation included on the DVD is the odd man out. Starring Bette Davis, Satan Met a Lady (1936), uses the story of “The Maltese Falcon” as a sort of jumping off point. In fact, Spade is renamed Shane, and is played by Warren William as a snappy ladies man, and there is no falcon to be found, but rather a famous French horn! Granted, Spade is getting his fare share of female attention in all three films, but William’s “Shane” is what we in modern society refer to as a “horn dog.” Marie Wilson’s Miss Murgatroyd (standing in for Effie) is a Betty Boop-esque blonde who can barely spell her own name. Yes, it’s the “funny” version.

Davis is a great femme fatale, but you can see the fatale from a mile away. Interestingly enough, the character of Gutman (the “fat man”) becomes Madame Barabbas, played by Alison Skipworth in a wonderful performance. Satan Met a Lady is enjoyable, but still no dice. One has to wonder if these other versions disappoint because of the 1941 masterpiece. If I’d never seen it, would they have been better? Who cares? Cortez was smarmy, William was a smartass, but Humphrey Bogart is sublime. No one plays this kind of part like Bogey. Add to the mix the brilliant Peter Lorre as Dr. Cairo and the incomparable Sydney Greenstreet in his film debut as Gutman and you can see why no other version could come close to this one. Bogart, Lorre and Greenstreet re-teamed soon after this in a film that even those of you who don’t appreciate old movies ought to have seen: Casablanca.

Aside from the additional films, the disc has featurettes and a commentary for the 1941 version, as well as the Warner Brothers “Night at the Movies” feature, a favorite of mine. You can enjoy a trailer, a newsreel, a short film and two Looney Tunes shorts before the main feature, giving you a taste of what it was like for moviegoers back in 1941.

Rick Sayre – Pop-Culture Junkie

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle

Jennifer Jason Leigh stars in the 1994 biopic of writer Dorothy Parker, a famous depressed and lovelorn wit. Parker survived failed romance after failed romance as well as a few suicide attempts. It may not sound appealing, but Alan Rudolph’s film is actually quite enjoyable.

Dorothy and the famous Algonquin Circle (composed of writers and artists of the time, played by actors such as Lili Taylor, Gwyneth Paltrow and Campbell Scott) were a fun-loving group of smart-asses. You can only expect snappy dialogue in a film about the woman who coined the term “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” and wrote an infamous review of a performance that went, “She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.” (That barb referred to actress Katharine Hepburn.) 

About 8 years after making it big in John Hughes’ movies, Andrew McCarthy and Matthew Broderick both impress as Parker’s junkie husband and new flame, respectively. Campbell Scott, as her closest friend and unrequited love, Robert Benchley, almost steals the show—particularly in a scene involving a hysterical monologue at a charity benefit. The star of the film, of course, is Leigh. Who could have played Dorothy better? Nobody. Leigh seems to thrive in roles that are somewhat dark, playing troubled women (See: Georgia; A Thousand Acres; etc.). This time is no different and she was justly nominated for several awards for her work in the film. Aside from a new interview with composer Mark Isham, however, there aren’t any features that differ from the original laserdisc release. An already-dated documentary and a commentary by Rudolph are nevertheless interesting and enjoyable. That’s not the point, though. It’s a very good, underrated film that I for one am glad to finally have on DVD.

Rick Sayre – Pop-Culture Junkie

Lost: The Extended Second Season

The second season of LOST left me feeling a bit disappointed when it originally aired on TV. I wanted more answers! For every answer the audience was given, 2 or 3 or 500 more questions seemed to pop up. One of the special features on the DVD set for this season hints at some answers unseen. Don’t believe it. Theories, yes. Answers, no.

In fact, it’s even a bit discouraging to see that the writers themselves sometimes don’t seem to have a clue what’s going on. There are, at times, moments when it looks as though someone knows the deeper story, the truths at the heart of this two-year mystery. Just don’t expect any of it to be found here. What you can expect, however, is to get sucked back in. I found myself more engrossed in the series watching it on DVD, in great big chunks at a time. I discovered that I liked the new characters, the “tailies,” much more than I originally had. I also realized that Michael Emerson as “Henry Gale” gave us the most mesmerizing performance I’ve seen on television this year.

I love the cosmic connections that we get to see, the surprises that turn up along the way (One word, no spoilers: Libby) and the characters we’ve come to know and love. And hate. So sure, there are more questions than answers when you finish the last disc. But maybe the secret is that it’s not about the destination, but the ride you take to get there. You know you love it.

Rick Sayre – Pop-Culture Junkie

SILENT HILL

Not Night Interior...More like Mid-Afternoon

The Brooklyn Gang sits solemnly on the couch, wincing in the glare of the afternoon light. It's been a while since they've been forced to watch a movie in the light of day. A tragic first, the gang sat down to review Nightwatch last night, apparently the biggest Russian blockbuster since...um...I don't know. Who the hell would bear to leave their homes in sub-zero temperatures to watch a goddamn movie?!? Anyway, Nightwatch turned out to be such an unspeakable work of ass that they had to scrap the plan, drag themselves out of bed before sunset and fit in another review in the hopes of not sucking. They owe P&F readers at least that much after last month's Just My Luck review. So turn off your lights, be wary of your dark-haired, creepy children, and enjoy the tale of terror that is Silent Hill.

Jeanne: (explaining to the invisible audience that she thinks follows her wherever she goes) Okay, so we reviewed Nightwatch last night and it was so awful and painful that, for the first time, we decided to scrap it and review a different movie.

Richard: I would have rather watched Crash.

Chris' bird squeaks and whistles in the background. As adorable as his rendition of "Pop goes the weasel" is we agree that it will detract from the potency of a horror flick so Richard rises, apologizes to Hamilton, the bird, and closes the door to muffle the noise. He then sits down and begins working on his Live Journal. I thought we went over this last month but I guess Richard has forgotten the whole, “we're not amateurs speech.”

Jeanne: (To Richard) You have to turn off your Live Journal while we do this though. I know you've already seen it but you need to at least be invested. It might be like "Lost’" maybe you'll see nuances that you did not see before.

Richard: (laughs) There are no nuances in this movie.

Jeanne: (Again, to her imaginary audience) Richard and Chris have both played the Silent Hill video game and I have not.

Richard: You've never played Silent Hill?

Jeanne: I have never played Silent Hill.

Richard: Do we have that?

Chris: We have it.

The movie opens on an Aussie actress who is not Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts. Richard knows her name. He has a thing for Aussies. I think it started with Natalie Imbruglia. This other Aussie is running around frantically in her night clothes shouting, "Sharon!" She runs out of her house, through a wooden area and, momentarily, passes through one of our previous reviews.

Jeanne: Is that the cave from Hide and Seek?

Chris: I think it was.

Jeanne: Wow. That's a bad sign. We're going to be cursed by the same badness of that movie. Maybe Dakota Fanning is like hidden in a corner somewhere. If you watch really closely she's there. It’s like an Easter egg.

The other Aussie spots her daughter staring blankly and standing on the precipice of a very high cliff. She's a dark-haired, eerie looking child, much like the kids from The Ring, The Grudge, and Hide and Seek. I wonder if there's a rash of infanticides in Hollywood as stage parents leave their blonde children on mountaintops to die of exposure while trying to breed the palest brunette their genetic codes will allow. The creepy girl looks down from the cliff and sees the drop off morph into a Hellraiser-like structure of steel with glowing fires burning in its depths. Just as she begins to take a step over the edge of the cliff her Aussie (although I should point out that she’s not Aussie in the movie. But she does do a terrible job of suppressing her accent.) Mom tackles her and, assuming she doesn't die from shaken baby syndrome (I'm kidding, the kid's like 10. She's of an age where you can shake her without fear of police intervention.), she should be fine.

Jeanne: (oh, her sweet naiveté about the Silent Hill video game will become a droning, incessant stream of, "so is this what the game is like?" questions. I dare you to count them. Really. Maybe there's a prize for it. Maybe not. It's about as much fun as those Yeehaw Junction billboards on the interstate that claim you'll get a reward if you can count them all correctly. You Northeasterners out there know what I'm talking about! Which is no fun, really, that's what I'm trying to say.) Is this how the game begins? With her running around in her underwear?

Richard: No. I’ve only played the first game and parts of the second one though.

Jeanne: Although in the game you said that that’s…that’s…isn’t that a guy?

Chris: Yes.

Jeanne: But they didn’t believe that a man would put that much effort into finding his daughter so they decided to make it a woman.

I’m going to assume that Hollywood felt forced to make this a girl on girl movie because some focus group decided that they couldn’t bear to watch a film about a man searching for his lost daughter with the aid of an attractive female cop and then have the two not hook up by the end of the movie. I mean, what else would a man and a woman do in a movie? Talk? Lame!

The dad finally shows up like 15 minutes after the kid totally would have taken a head first dive into the pit of fiery oblivion. The filmmakers are really trying to drive home the point that dad’s are not responsible enough to protect their demonic children.

Jeanne: Is that the dad?

Richard: Yeah. He’s ineffectual.

The little girl is writhing on the ground screaming “Silent Hill!” Just in case you’d forgotten which bad horror movie you’d wasted your time and money to go see.

Richard: That’s the name of the movie.

As the dad runs up to his wife and evil daughter he embraces them and says, “It’s okay sweetie. We’re here now.”

Jeanne: (In mockery of the dad) I was here about 5 minutes too late but your mom was here. She was totally here for you.

Jeanne: Is that Sean Bean? (This movie is like a sick access point of our previous reviews. We have the cave from Hide and Seek and now Sean Bean from National Treasure. Any moment now Sharon Stone will run into the scene, devour someone with her vagina and run out. Then Lindsay Lohan, who is trying desperately to eclipse Sharon Stone in the ‘greatest number of people who have seen her vagina’ contest, will flash her fire crotch at the camera, heralding the end times.)

The mother and father of the evil little girl whisper to each other directly over her head (because evil children have very bad hearing from all of the black hair dye that’s trickled into their ears over time) that this is not the first time she’s gone fucking nuts and tried to jump off of a cliff and, apparently, each time, she yells out, “Silent Hill.” When will movie parents learn that if you and your husband are both blonde but manage to produce a scary looking, black haired child, often with weirdly large facial features, that it’s for the best to drive as far away from your home as you can and leave them in some wooded area, like an unloved puppy, to die of exposure.

Jeanne: (As the shot pans back from the mom and dad restraining their evil little girl on the cliff-top, a giant neon cross comes into view, dominating the corner of the screen) What’s with the big burning cross?

Richard: That’s like neon cross. It’s not a burning cross.

Jeanne: Still is there like a deep underlying religiosity to this movie?

Richard: Yes, there is actually.

Jeanne: Really? Is it like if they’d baptized their daughter she wouldn’t be fucking crazy and trying to dive into the pits of hell? Is it one of those?

Richard: No.

In the next scene the Aussie mom explains to the little girl that they’re going on a special trip without daddy. She’s going to take her to Silent Hill, which is a ghost town where coal fires have been burning underground for decades and all the old inhabitants are dead or gone. I’m sure that if she read Good Parenting Magazine it would not suggest that when your child starts trying to kill themselves and screams about a terrible place called Silent Hill that you pack up the minivan and take them there for a play date. I’m pretty sure that the proper course of action involves holy water, restraints, and the Pope.

Chris: And you say this is going to be better than Nightwatch, Richard?

There’s about 10 minutes of footage showing the drive to Silent Hill during which some bad music is setting the scene. Richard comments that this may be actual music from the video game. Way to cut costs, studio heads! Jeanne becomes entranced and starts singing along to it. Chris and Richard are ready to take her down should she start screaming, “Silent Hill” and attempt to jump off of the couch.

Jeanne: do do dooo do, do do dooo do, do do dooo do, do do dooo do, do do dooo do…

Richard joins in for a few bars. Only Chris seems immune. The trance is finally broken several minutes later when something finally fucking happens in the movie.

As the Aussie and her daughter approach the Silent Hill area they pass a large billboard. Jeanne rewinds several times to make sure she gets all of what it says. So sad—she thinks that it’s going to be meaningful later in the movie. She’s been watching too many episodes of Lost and even the stuff in Lost hasn’t really meant anything. I mean, did you see the four-toed foot?!?! Anyway, the billboard says:

“Do you not know that we will judge angels?

Do you not know that the Saints will judge the world?”

Jeanne: Chris took this opportunity to bail on the movie. He’s in the bathroom. I think he’s just there waiting it out, hoping that we’ll watch the rest without him but we won’t. We’ll wait for him to come back.

Richard: Awesome.

Jeanne: Awesome. Richard’s still totally doing the Myspace/Live Journal thing. You’re not all that into this movie are you, Richard? You’re not.

Richard: See, I’ve seen it already so I know when to make the jokes. I’ve been participating. Review the tape! Review the tape! I have said many funny things.

Jeanne rewinds the tape only far enough to hear Richard yelling that he’s funny and that she should review the tape. She rewinds again, attempting to get farther back, but, again, hits the same spot with Richard yelling to review the tape.

Jeanne: (laughing) I’ve reviewed the tape. I didn’t notice Richard saying anything particularly funny.

Richard: (laughing) But that’s because you didn’t rewind it anywhere past me saying, “Review the tape, review the tape.”

Jeanne: While that’s true, you did just spend the last like two minutes making fun of your own voice.

Richard: Yes. God, I sound like fag.

Jeanne: That’s what he’s been saying for the last two minutes! It’s kind of funny. Anyway, back to this movie. So there was that Corinthians quote. Very creepy. I don’t know what it means but I guess it means Judgment! Judgment!

Jeanne: Sean Bean (now being pronounced Seen Bean) is on the phone. He’s so seeny.

In the conversation between Mr. Bean and the Aussie we have trouble figuring out what the Aussie’s name is supposed to be. I don’t know why we care since it’s not like we’re going to start referring to her using her character name or anything.

Jeanne: Oh, it’s Rose! It’s probably the same name from the video game.

Richard: No, because there’s a guy in the video game!

Jeanne: Oh, maybe he was named Rose.

Richard: I actually think that this is based on one of the sequels to the game.

Jeanne: There was a sequel.

Chris and Richard: There were like four.

Chris: (who we often make fun of for being from West Virginia even though he’s not actually from West Virginia himself but he has family in West Virginia) Look, Silent Hill, West Virginia.

Jeanne: Of course it would be in West Virginia. West Virginia’s like the vortex of damnation. (In an aside to her imaginary gathering of fans and admirers) That’s a reference to yesterday’s Nightwatch. You don’t need to get it because you’ll never watch it and never get it.

At this point in the movie the Aussie is STILL driving to Silent Hill. Is this shit in real time? Are we going to have to sit through six hours of drive time set to video game music? It’s night and the Aussie pulls over to a gas station. She gets out and checks on her daughter in the backseat. Her daughter wakes up and notices that her drawings have been drawn in over with evil black stick figures and swirling black holes. She is deeply upset, as am I, because this movie is lame. Chris and Richard both claimed that the game was dark and disturbing and awesomely fantastic. Fantastic enough for Richard to call out from work on several occasions so he could keep playing. So what happened?

Anyway, the female cop who will be the other girl in the girl-on-girl action is also at the gas station and notices the little dark haired girl freaking out. She probably assumes there is some kind of horrible abuse or neglect going on because this is West Virginia and that’s what West Virginia’s all about.

Jeanne: Is that the cop?

Richard: Yes! (gasps) Oh my god! She scares me.

Jeanne: Are they going to have a lesbian relationship?

Richard: Maybe.

Jeanne: ‘Cause I assume that in the game, since it was a heterosexual match, that they totally hooked up.

Richard: In the game I thought the cop was kind of hot.

Jeanne: Ew. She wasn’t real. She was in a game.

Jeanne: (As the cop comes into full view) That’s a man! That cop is a man!

Richard: Yeah. You’re not that far off.

The Aussie walks into the diner/gas station/piercing and tattoo parlor. I so wish I was kidding about that but it actually does have piercing and tattoo signs in the window. That’s awesome. The next time you need to fill up your car, get a stack of hotcakes, and pierce your scrotum you only need to go to one place for everything. Maybe they dip the needles in maple syrup before they put them through. That sounds tasty.

Jeanne: They do tattoos at the diner? Are you fucking kidding? That’s so West Virginia. I bet they don’t even know how to use a cell phone. (The cell phone line will be lost on everyone who does not live in our house. Even I don’t fully remember how it started but, basically, we were all watching some crappy TV show when a woman from West Virginia said she didn’t know how to use a cell phone and we decided to turn it into an attack on Chris whenever we were bored or the “your mom” jokes were wearing thin.) Editor’s Note: I started that cell phone story!

The Aussie’s credit card is declined so she places an angry call to Sean Bean. I’m sort of surprised she has cell phone service in West Virginia. Anyway, it turns out she’s basically stolen their daughter. He, being not totally retarded, opposed taking her to the ever-burning town in the middle of nowhere. While her card was being declined, the Aussie asked the cashier how to get to Silent Hill. The cashier reveals that the road that led there has been closed for years so there’s no way to get there now. If only she’d accepted defeat and turned back now we wouldn’t have to sit through another hour and half of this. We could just watch 30 minutes showing her drive back and an hour of make-up sex which might produce a normal child and allow them the excuse they need to get rid of the broken one they’ve got.

Chris: (Reading off the items available at a West Virginian gas station) Piercing, tattoos, all-day breakfast…

The Aussie gets back in the car and keeps heading toward Silent Hill. Her radio is playing the dullest, chick/ballad/folk music ever. After about 10 seconds it’s making me want to either go to sleep or slit my fucking wrists. Poor choice in nighttime driving music. Suddenly, cop sirens go off behind the Aussie. She pulls over. Richard and Jeanne begin discussing the actress playing the Aussie. Richard is a big fan. Jeanne has no idea who the fuck she is.

Richard: (After espousing his love for Radha Mitchell a.k.a “The Aussie Chick”) Like a year and a half ago when I was buying random DVD’s because I liked the people in them I would have owned this fucking movie. That explains to you why I have some very bad movies in my collection.

The cop gets off her motorcycle and begins to head up toward the side of the Aussie’s car. At that moment the Aussie decides to haul ass out of there. Seems a poor choice since they’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. Where does she think she’s going to lose this cop? There’s not a single other car or even other road to turn onto. Dumbass. I see where your kid gets her crazy from.

Jeanne: Does she think that since she took the left fork that the cop won’t be able to find her? That’s a bad example to set for you child.

The Aussie runs the car straight through a chain link fence blocking off the road to Silent Hill. Her daughter is screaming in the backseat.

Jeanne: (In response to the Aussie’s surprise to see that the cop is in her rearview mirror) Of course she’s behind you, you jackass.

The radio in the Aussie’s car suddenly goes to loud static. It’s a welcome change from the soft chick rock of death. Then she looks up to see a similarly black-haired, creepy child crossing the street in front of her speeding car. She jerks the wheel and crashes. Her head smashes into the steering wheel and she blacks out.

Chris: How did her seat belt not lock?

Richard: They drive on the other side of the street in Australia. You can’t blame her. Also, it seems like they ended up somewhere completely different than where they were before.

The Aussie wakes up. She recreates the opening scene of the movie by freaking out, running around, and screaming, “Sharon.” Everything has gone grey. Ashes are raining from the sky.

Richard: (singing) This place…it’s looking like a ghost town…Anybody? No?

Jeanne: What was that? What was that?

Chris: Oh, Richard.

Richard: It’s a song.

Jeanne: From who?

Richard: I don’t know. It was on an episode of “The Real World” a long time ago.

Jeanne: Oh, Richard. You’re carrying around a song from like a 10-year-old episode of “The Real World?”

Richard: It was from the 1^st Season so, yes.

Jeanne: That makes it older than 10 years.

Chris: Yeah, that was like 1992.

Jeanne: They already had their 10-year anniversary so that was like 15 years ago.

Richard: I swear I’m going to kill you guys in your sleep.

The Aussie begins to chase after her creepy daughter’s creepier doppelganger.

Jeanne: I’ve noticed that whenever you see a movie where a pretty blonde, usually Australian woman, has a creepy, dark-haired child, bad things happen, like in The Ring.

Richard: That’s right.

Jeanne: She had a kid who looked nothing like her or her gorgeous ex-husband/ex-boyfriend/whatever.

Richard: And you know what, her husband/whatever was from New Zealand.

Jeanne: They make them well there. I bet the kid was American ‘cause the kid was fucking ugly and scary.

Richard: That kid was fucking ugly. And in The Ring 2 he didn’t seem to age. He’s gonna have that whole Haley Joel Osment thing going on. And then he’s going to get drunk and run into a tree. What? Too much? Too soon?

Jeanne: What if Haley Joel Osment reads Pictures and Frames? He’ll be offended.

Richard: (to Haley Joel Osment, in the off chance that he’s one of the 10 people that reads this monthly) Sorry, Haley Joel.

An air raid siren sounds in the background. The Aussie is lost and everything is suddenly growing dark. To emphasize this, the camera tilts sideways in what I have learned is called a Dutch Tilt and may have been named by the Germans because they thought the Dutch couldn’t hold their camera’s straight. Possibly an unexplored reason for the onset of WWII.

Jeanne: Look, the whole world is tilted sideways. No, wait it’s fixing itself.

Richard: Your mom is tilted sideways.

Jeanne: Don’t talk about my mom like that.

Richard: Does your mom read Pictures and Frames? With Haley Joel?

Jeanne: Luckily no. I haven’t told my mom that I do this. I don’t think that she’d approve. I put it on the same level as if I were to tell her that I’m in Internet porn.

Richard: Like Ali Larter.

Jeanne: Like Ali Larter in “Heroes.” Although, Ali Larter charges $40 for 20 minutes. Not too shabby. I don’t make $40 every 20 minutes.

The Aussie wanders through a scary building lit only by the enormous flame of her Zippo. She finally sees her daughter's evil doppelganger again and chases her. She runs into a dead end where there's a half-decayed body tied to the fence. The creepy part is that it's still alive! The body starts to move and in between dry-heaves she turns to run away but only manages to turn into an even creepier thing.

Jeanne: (gasps) It's still alive.

Richard: Oh my god! What's that behind her?

Jeanne: A fat naked zombie.

The Aussie screams and tries to find a way out and away from the legion of fat, naked zombies coming at her.

Jeanne: He just wants a friend.

She finds a way out and runs. She's pursued by fat, naked, baby zombies. She runs into a room only to fall and hit her head on the ground. Way to be a helpless female. She's dazed. She's also fucking retarded because she should be getting her ass up and closing the door behind her.

Jeanne: She's too stupid to close the door.

Richard: She's kind of stressed out. Wouldn't you be freaked out if you saw all of these dead little ash babies?

Lucky for her, all of the fat naked zombies suddenly disappear into ashes. She goes totally unconscious because, as every Boy Scout leader will tell you, the best defense is to play dead. Although I think that's with like a bear. Maybe dead things can tell when you're faking because they're dead and you're not dismembered yet and that's the fun part.

Jeanne: They're repulsed by screaming. Who would have thought hat's all you have to do?

The Aussie wakes up in another building. While it's not the tattoo/piercing diner I'm sure they have even more exiting things that they could do to scar you while you wait for your all-day breakfast. One of the few not straight from the game pieces of music plays in the background, Johnny Cash, "Ring of Fire." Witty, since the whole town did sort of fall into a burning ring of fire. Falling down, down, down, while the flames grew higher.

She then runs into the Blair Witch or something like that. A creepy woman who claims that the Aussie's daughter is hers and that everyone has lost their children.

Jeanne: This is a bad, bad movie. Tell me about the videogame?

Richard: The videogame's awesome. I used to call out sick to watch the video game.

Jeanne: Would you call out sick to watch the movie?

Richard: No. I would go in on my day off to avoid watching this movie.

The movie decides to return to Sean Bean and his sorely lacking attempts to rescue his family. He has decided to follow after them. He's pulled over, asking for directions to Silent Hill but he ends up having to bribe them out of guy.

Back to Silent Hill. The Aussie is still running around shouting, “Sharon.” That hasn't worked yet but she's going to stick with it.

Chris: Why doesn't she just runaway and leave the town?

Jeanne: I would. I'd be like “I can have another kid, I'm young.”

Richard: Wait, did they say yet that the kid's adopted?

Jeanne: What?!

Richard: Nothing. Nevermind. Watch the movie.

Jeanne: Richard spoiled the movie! Spoiler! Spoiler!

Richard: You know what, I totally spoiled the movie.

Jeanne: It is like The Ring 'cause they totally adopted Samara and she was evil. You need to learn that when you adopt an evil child you give it back.

The Aussie, who for some faux pas of fashion wears her cell phone on a string around her neck (I think it's akin to having a fanny pack), calls Sean Bean from Silent Hill. "Christopher, it's me. I'm in Silent Hill. I made a mistake."

Richard: That was her agent on the phone. She was like, "I'm in Silent Hill. I'm sorry, I've made a mistake."

Jeanne: Someone's coming. I think it's that cop.

The cop, apparently oblivious to the creepy, otherworldly aspects of where they are, makes the Aussie spread and get against the car. The girl-on-girl action is imminent.

Richard: (speaking for the cop)…and the take off your blouse. (For a gay man he seems very excites by watching two women.)

The Aussie tries to explain that she didn't do anything to her daughter but rather that they're in a hellish netherworld and her daughter has disappeared into the fiery underground. It happens all the time. The cop is still pissed that she sped away so she handcuffs her.

Jeanne: Why is she bleeding? (The cop has a cut on her face that's bleeding and that she, so far, hasn't noticed.)

The Aussie tells the cop that she's bleeding.

Jeanne: I did write this movie!

Richard: I hate you. You write crappy movies.

Jeanne: (referencing the cops very fetishized outfit) Do cops actually wear full body leather? Or is that just for the movie?

Chris: Motorcycle cops might. (Maybe the one's on Cinemax.)

Back to Sean Bean. The road to Silent Hill is blocked off by police cars. Sean Bean explains that his wife is the lunatic that drove through that fence. The cop there explains that they found his wife's car but it's empty and that one of their cops is also missing.

In Silent Hill, the cop and Aussie are still bickering. The cop does a dumb thing and calls to a weird human-esque shape nearby. It turns out to be a weird no armed, wriggling torso thing. She shouts that she's a cop but that doesn't seem to hold as much weight here.

Jeanne: I don't think that it has ears. (Maybe he would have respected her authority if only he had eyes or ears to understand that she was a cop.)

The Aussie takes this distraction as an opportunity to ditch the cop and go a// ‘every woman for herself.’ She stops a few minutes away to contort herself out of her handcuffs. I think she may have had ribs removed for self-gratification reasons and it just happens to be coming in handy here. She then sits down at a bus stop.

Jeanne: Dude, the bus is not gonna come.

Richard: She's using it for the map, Jeanne.

The Aussie wanders the city and heads into the elementary school because that's where children live. Richard and Chris discuss how very scary the school parts of the game were and how less scary the school parts of the movie are. She runs into evil coal-miners, equipped with a possibly evil canary in a cage as well. She runs for it. As she passes through the courtyard she runs over the hopscotch board that's been drawn on the ground. The first box on the board says, "Hell."

Jeanne: So did the game have the coal-miners?

Richard: I don't remember that.

The Aussie hides inside the school bathroom to get away from the coal-miners. There’s a tied up corpse in the last stall with something in it's mouth and writing on the wall saying, "Dare you, dare you, double dare you." Jeanne likens the situation to Harry Potter and Moaning Myrtle.

Richard: Only so much more fucked up than Moaning Myrtle.

Jeanne: I don't know. Moaning Myrtle wanted to see Harry Potter's hairy nipples.

Richard: Oh my god, can you stop talking about Daniel Radcliffe's hairy nipples?

Chris: Never.

Richard: Especially after we go to England to see “Equus.”

Jeanne: Then we can see his hairy testicles as well. (laughter) Richard just gasped like a lady.

Richard: Is that his hairy testicles, or is it part of the horse that he's having sex with?

The Aussie takes the thing out of the corpses mouth and takes a peak outside of the bathroom door to see if the coast is clear. It's not. Two big coal-miners run to the door and start trying to bang it down. She protects herself by panicking and repeating, "Please help me" to herself over and over again.

An air raid siren wails again. The coal-miners canary falls over and they take off. The whole school begins to change. Something red starts to seep down and cover all of the walls. It looks a lot like that stuff from the War of the Worlds remake. The building decays. The Aussie is still trapped in the bathroom freaking out.

Jeanne: This is in the game though, right?

The corpse from the last stall crawls out of it and starts to come after the Aussie. She weighs her options and makes a run for it down the hallway. She sees the coal-miners being devoured by large insects. I guess that canary wasn't all that helpful after all.

At the same time, Sean Bean, escorted by the policeman from the bridge, is walking through that very same school, only not in hell. To him it's just a decaying old school full of asbestos and lead paint. However, at the moment that the Aussie runs down the hallway that Sean Bean is in, he swears that he feels her there. The cop thinks that he's a nutcase who's inhaled too much lead paint since he won't keep his little white facemask on.

Jeanne: Is the game like this? Does the game show like reality versus...(Richard taps his nose in response) Why are you hitting your nose? Does that mean I'm on to something? I'm going to stop with the game questions 'cause you give me funny answers.

The pyramid head guy appears around a corner chasing after the Aussie. He's apparently the big bad guy of the movie. And he has an extra long sword to prove it. The Aussie's survival skills kick in and she falls to the floor in a heap, sobbing.

Jeanne: In the game would she randomly start uncontrollably crying and you can't direct her?

Richard: It's a dude.

Chris: It's not a girl. Jesus Christ, pay attention!

Jeanne: I mean the counterpart! The guy. Would he start crying and you couldn't move him?

Chris: No! Because he's not a woman!

Richard: Oh my god. It's true. He doesn't have weak arms.

Jeanne: Ah! I'm gonna have a woman review with me next time!

The cop shows up in time to rescue the helpless Aussie. They hide out in a small room. The cop pulls out a bar from the wall and uses it to barricade the door.

Jeanne: That woman doesn't have weak arms. Motherfucker.

Richard: That woman's a man.

The pyramid head guy uses his giant sword to cut through the door. Seriously, it's like 8 feet long. His legion of giant insects pour through the hole he has made in the door and begins biting at the two women.

Jeanne: He's got a big sword.

Richard: He's compensating for something.

The cop pulls out her gun and at point blank range manages to hit the pyramid head guy once and miss him like four times.

Chris: She's a pretty bad shot.

Jeanne: 'Cause she's a girl and they have weak arms.

They luck out and the siren calls the pyramid head guy away just before he would have skewered them.

Richard decides to supplement our review with interesting facts care of imdb.com.

Richard: There's actually a town called Centralia, Pennsylvania, an almost abandoned town with a 40-year-old coal fire burning underneath it, and that's what inspired the town in the movie.

Now that everything's calmed down a bit the Aussie shows the cop what she yanked out of the dead guy’s mouth. It's a broken plaque that has half of the name of a hotel on it. She believes that her daughter is at the hotel.

Chris: They didn't even have the creepiest part about the school! The little invisible guys.

Jeanne: They couldn't really show that 'cause they're invisible.

Jeanne: Chris left the room. He's trying to cop out again but I won’t let him. He must participate.

Richard: (reading through the posts on imdb about Silent Hill) This one says it’s "darkly beautiful." Do you think that it's darkly beautiful?

Jeanne: No, not particularly.

Richard: Do you think it's dark?

Jeanne: I think it's darkly crappy.

Richard: Aside from "Ring of Fire" all of the other music is taken directly from the video game.

The Aussie and the cop find the Grand Hotel. Inside they find the creepy gray haired woman that the Aussie first ran into and who said that Sharon was her daughter. She's being attacked by the spitting image of Renee Zellweger from Cold Mountain. They break them up and begin to ask Renee about the town. She explains that the weird symbol seen around the town is a symbol of their faith. The cop notices a piece of paper in one of the boxes behind the concierge desk. Room 111. It's a picture that the Aussie's daughter drew.

Back to Sean Bean. It's still raining. It's always raining in West Virginia. Sean Bean breaks into the town’s records office to find out what really happened in Silent Hill. He finds a picture of a girl who looks just like his daughter. He then phones the orphanage listed on the photograph and drives over there to ask about her.

The Aussie is exploring the hotel and sees the daughter doppelganger. She follows her to a decayed room with a hole in the floor. Very dangerous. The daughter doppelganger turns around to look at the Aussie and says, "I'm burning," then she bursts into flames and disappears. Overall, pretty cool.

Jeanne: I thought you were going to say funny things at all the right times but you haven't.

Chris: Yeah, you haven't.

Richard: I'm choosing to be informative rather than funny to add a new dimension to our reviews. I'm saving up all of my funny for next month. I'm saving it all up for Snakes on a Plane. It comes out on January 3rd.

Jeanne: But that's several reviews away. Although we could buy that right now in Chinatown.

Richard: Didn't you see the thing before the movie started about buying things from people with DVD’s on blankets?

Renee explains to them that the daughter doppelganger is Aleesa and they don't say her name anymore. Then the air raid siren sounds again and Renee yells that the darkness is coming. She stands and shouts for them to run although a better course of action may be just to run and let them get the idea from that. They run to the church. Masses of other people are also running toward the church. Jeanne wonders why they don't all just stay inside the church instead of running there every twenty minutes. Renee continues to stand just outside the church doors and yell for the Aussie and cop to hurry but they've stopped to talk to the gray haired lady. Suddenly everything has gone black and the three of them are still outside of the doors to the church. The cop and Aussie begin to run but the pyramid head guy appears, grabs Renee, and tears off her clothes and then her skin all together. Eww. Jeanne questions whether someone’s skin would all stay together when pulled or whether just one chuck would come off. Chris asks why that's what she can't suspend disbelief about. The pyramid head guy with the eight-foot sword is plausible but the skin thing, not so much.

The church folk freak the fuck out and go all mob on the Aussie and cop. The weird leader woman calms them and calls for them to pray.

The camera pans the crowd.

Jeanne: Is that Twiggy?

Richard: Twiggy. Twiggy.

Chris: Keep saying it.

Jeanne: Maybe it'll become funny.

Back to Sean Bean. The nun freaks out when Sean Bean starts asking about Aleesa. Luckily the cop from the bridge is right there and cuffs him. He tells him that what happened to Aleesa was terrible but they'd prefer to keep it under wraps. They want him to shut up and go home and wait there like a good boy.

Back to the Aussie. The crazy cult leader lady has brought the Aussie and the cop to a building where the darkness lives. Coal-miners pry open the door to an elevator that leads down into the lair of evil.

Jeanne: I think she's being mean to them 'cause she thinks they're lesbians.

The Aussie explains to the cop that she doesn't have to go down with her. "Sharon's adopted but I knew from the first time that I laid eyes on her that I was her mother."

Richard: (with fake surprise) What? She's adopted?

Jeanne: Prick.

The Aussie: Mother is god in the eyes of a child.

Jeanne: That was from The Crow! I imagine it came from somewhere before that but, dude, that was from The Crow.

Richard: The Crow was a much better movie.

Jeanne: Way better.

Richard: It had Brandon Lee.

Jeanne: Way hot.

Chris: He's also way dead.

The cult lady shows the Aussie a map of the building, telling her she must memorize it because it could save her life. She stares at it, mumbling, "left, right, right..." to herself.

Jeanne: That's got to be part of the game.

Richard: That map is part of the game.

Jeanne: I want to make a guess here. The cop is going to make it almost to the end but she's going to have to sacrifice herself so that the mom can find her daughter.

Richard: You're not right.

The cult lady then goes to return a necklace that she totally stole from the Aussie. It's a locket and when she holds it out she sees the picture of Sharon/Aleesa and freaks the fuck out. The cop holds back the coal-miners while the Aussie slides into the elevator and closes the doors. The cop then gets the shit kicked out of her by the coal-miners. So Jeanne's kind of right. The cop did sacrifice herself near the end to let the mom get to her daughter. Maybe she should start writing crap like this. I bet it pays well.

The Aussie begins to run through the corridors downstairs, trying to remember which to turn at. She turns a corner and sees in front of her a large group of faceless, large breasted, sexy (if they weren't evil zombies), nurses standing totally still. Each has a blade in her hand. They all start to stir once the light from the flashlight hits them. The Aussie shuts off the light and attempts to creep between them.

Jeanne: It's like one of those music videos from that guy.

Richard: Michael Jackson?

Jeanne: No, the guy who sang like (sings) "Simply Irresistible…" (Richard and Chris laugh) If you didn't look at their heads they've all got the same outfit and high heels.

Richard: They're nurses.

Jeanne: Nurses cannot work in heels like that.

Richard: They're hooker nurses.

Chris: They've all got a lot of cleavage.

Jeanne: They were hot before they were dead.

As the Aussie slides between the nurses they suddenly start slashing, narrowly missing the Aussie. They slash at each other instead and start falling to the ground. She puts down the lantern to draw them to it and runs toward a door at the end of the hallway. Once it opens everything goes white and she's narrated through the true story of what happened at Silent Hill in flashbacks.

Silent Hill was founded by fanatics who felt that they were in a constant battle with the forces of evil from outside. Aleesa, the daughter of the gray haired lady, was thought to be a witch because her mother refused to say who the girl's father was. Assuming that the father was the devil, the gray-haired lady's sister, the cult lady, decides that the girl must be sacrificed to spare the town from being plunged into Armageddon. The sacrifice happens in the hotel, in room 111, but while the ceremony is underway a fire accidentally begins and Aleesa is burned badly. Police arrive too late and they take the charred Aleesa to a hospital where she is kept alive. She is propositioned by some evil that comes to her looking like a little girl and she's offered the chance to revenge herself on the town. She accepts. The evil wants to be able to get into the church but it can't because they are protected by their own ignorance. They ignore what's happened and that somehow makes them untouchable. The Aussie agrees to take the evil inside her and smuggle it into the church. If Sharon Stone were cast in this we all know where she would be hiding the evil to get it in. Her vagina!

The scene cuts to the crazy cult lady who has discovered Sharon, the Aussie's daughter, in the grey-haired lady's apartment. She drags her out, presumably to do another crazy exorcism, since that worked so well last time.

Another cut to Sean Bean. He has taken the cops advice to heart and tucked his tail firmly between his legs and is now driving his ass back home. His balls, however, will not be coming back with him.

Back to cult lady. The cop is tied to a high ladder-like contraption. The crazy cult people are rallying and seem really excited at the prospect of a public burning. They start a fire in the middle of the church and first burn the cop. They lower the ladder until she's directly over the flames and there's a very graphic, very creepily done scene of her slowly burning to death. It looks very unpleasant and pretty slow. They then tie the little girl up on another ladder and prepare to do the same to her. Chants of "Burn the Witch!" start up. The cult lady starts another big TBN speech about keeping the demon at bay and drawing a line in the sand. The Aussie storms in, immediately shocked at seeing the charred remains of her lady lover. She lets them know the grim truth—that they all died in the fire. They've been dead for decades and need to get over it and just fucking be dead already.

The cult leader tries to rebuff, saying, "That girl was sin incarnate."

Richard: No, Paris Hilton is sin incarnate.

The cult lady then fucks pretense and just stabs the Aussie in the stomach. It's not as impressive as a burning but I guess it'll do in a pinch. The problem is that the wound is now leaking out the darkness into the church. Crazy shit starts to go down. A big, evil hole opens in the middle of the church and the body of Aleesa, still in the hospital bed and everything, comes out to seek its revenge. Crazy barbed wire-like tentacles start skewering people. The cult lady is lifted up and a tentacle heads straight up her skirt. Yikes, I guess Aleesa's a lesbian.

Chris: It's like Carrie.

Jeanne: (As the tentacle heads north) Oh, I guess she didn't stay pure.

Richard: Oh, that's really fucked up. I don't remember seeing that.

So there's blood, dismemberment and all sorts of other fun. When it's over, the Aussie and her daughter leave, passing by the grey-haired lady, the only survivor. So it's heading for a happy ending with the Aussie and her daughter driving home.

Jeanne: The next time she goes to discipline her daughter she's gonna be like, "You're not my real mother. I can kill you."

They pull into the driveway but when they walk into the house it appears empty. Another scene shows Sean Bean sleeping on the couch. So they're home but I guess they'll never be on the same plane again.

Jeanne: She hasn't noticed that things still aren't really in color for them?

Chris: Maybe it's the gloom. They're in the other world still.

Richard: Ghosts in their own house.

Richard: It's like The Lake House.

Chris: It's coming out on Tuesday. We should totally do that.

Richard: Why do you think that would be bad?

Jeanne: I bet it would be at least funny bad.

Chris: So wait, what happened?

Jeanne: She's home but she's not really home.

Chris: So are they dead?

Jeanne: That's the thing. Do we know?

Richard: I think they're in a world in between. They're in the phantom zone.

Jeanne: They're in the gloom.

Chris: There were way more monsters in the game.

Jeanne: So that's our review. Oooh...sexy nurses. If you like dead people.

Richard: Which you obviously do.

The Saturday Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:

Jeanne Lopez, Cookie Monster

Rick Sayre, Pop-Culture Critic

Christopher Wilson, Vampire Hunter.

BOOKS:

Until I Find You – John Irving

“That day in Femke’s room on the Bergstraat, Jack started looking for William Burns. In a way, Jack had looked for him ever since—and on such slim evidence! That a woman he thought was a prostitute, who may have been lying—who was unquestionably cruel—told him that his dad had seen him.

Alice had contradicted Femke on the spot: “She’s lying, Jack.”

You’re the one who’s lying, to yourself,” Femke replied. “It’s a lie to think that William still loves you—it’s a joke to assume he ever did!”

“I know he loved me once,” Alice said.

“If William ever loved you, he couldn’t bear to see you prostitute yourself,” Femke said. “It would kill him to see you in a window or a doorway, wouldn’t it? That is, if he cared about you.”

“Of course he cares about me!” Alice cried.

Imagine that you are four, and your mother is in a shouting match with a stranger. Do you really hear the argument? Aren’t you trying so hard to understand the last thing that was said—to interpret it—that you miss the next thing that is said, and the thing after that? Isn’t that how a four-year-old hears, or doesn’t hear, an adult argument?”

--An excerpt from, Until I Find You, by John Irving.

Until I Find You is John Irving’s eleventh novel, something that, considering his long career and plethora of classic stories, seems like an understatement of sorts in retrospect. Like many of Irving’s other books, this one is set in both Canada and New England, both places where Jack Burns, the central character of the novel, grows up.

Jack is raised by his mother Alice, a tattoo artist who has never quite gotten over the fact that Jack’s father, William, left them and never came back. The first half of the novel is dedicated to searching for William, and in many ways, so is the rest of the book, as his disappearance and absence will haunt Jack for the rest of his life. 

Jack will go on to become a well-known actor and philanderer, but it is his childhood years that serve as the training ground for Jack’s future ambitions. At a private all-girls school in Canada, where only a handful of boys, grades 1-4 are allowed to attend, Jack is schooled in the ways of the world by girls nearly twice his age, many of whom are eager to get ‘first crack’ at Jack based on his father’s legendary sexual exploits and reputation. In any other hands, this kind of sexual exploitation (Jack is all of 6 years old when a lot of this stuff happens) would come as lewd and disgusting, and while it is indeed both of those things, the situations that Jack finds himself in, sexual or otherwise, are also heartfelt and humorous, and that is due entirely to Irving’s skilled storytelling abilities.

A Prayer for Owen Meany and A Widow for One Year are still my favorite John Irving novels, but like every one of his books, Until I Find You is an engrossing and unforgettable read. Irving writes characters that are so perfectly flawed and human that you feel as if you’ve known them for years; you recognize yourself in them and in their situations. Irving is quite possibly the greatest American writer living today.

Lily Percy – Editor

MUSIC:

Tori Amos: A Piano - The Collection

15 years ago, Tori Amos made her astonishing debut, Little Earthquakes. Released while the boys were inventing grunge and the pre-Lilith Fair girls were singing pretty little empty pop tunes (ok that part hasn’t changed), this album of naked emotion by a girl with a piano was wildly unique.

The album is without a doubt a certified classic and Tori never lost her individuality. If anything, she and her fans may have left some of us behind years ago, dancing down their own magical road. I count myself among those early fans that discovered Little Earthquakes and held it close to my heart. I also confess to being someone who, at some point around from the choirgirl hotel’s release, felt that I had lost the thread a bit. From then on, while I appreciated Tori’s musicianship, there were only a handful of songs that truly touched me as much as her first three albums had. For those like me, and clearly for the fans whose love and admiration for Tori have never wavered, the new box set by Rhino, A Piano, is a cause for celebration. Five discs serve up the best and some of the lesser-known songs—all right, Tori- “girls”—of the last fifteen years.

First up is an extended and re-sequenced version of Earthquakes. This includes not just the complete album, but b-sides that were originally intended for the release. In the liner notes Tori explains the evolution of her debut and her reasons for adding titles like “Upside Down,” “Take to the Sky” and my favorite, “Flying Dutchman,” to this edition. Discs 2-4 are organized “sonically” with favorites from Under the Pink/Boys for Pele, more Pele/To Venus & Back/Tales of a Librarian, and Scarlet’s Walk/The Beekeeper/from the choirgirl hotel mingling along with b-sides and new alternate mixes. Organizing the collection this way is not just interesting; it also might make you discover songs you hadn’t thought much about in the past. It certainly did for me.

The final disc includes b-sides and unreleased demos. It’s all wrapped up in a beautiful box designed to look like part of a piano and includes a book of liner notes and song commentaries by Tori. A gorgeous way to enjoy an artist you love or even rediscover your love for an artist you admire. If only Rhino had followed in the footsteps of their amazing Talking Heads and Björk box sets and given us Dual Discs. Tori in a swirl of 5.1 Stereo would have been incredible. For some additional Tori goodness, enjoy A Piano: The Collection in conjunction with the DVD release Fade to Red, a collection of videos also released by Rhino earlier this year.

Rick Sayre - Pop-Culture Junkie

John Mayer – Continuum

“No, I’m not the man I used to be lately/See, you met me an interesting time/And if my past is any sign of your future/You should be warned before I left you inside.” (“I don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)”)

John Mayer has described his new record, Continuum, as the album that best represents him. He has said that if you don’t like it, you can go ahead and write him off completely. He’s right.

Continuum is the album that John Mayer fans have been waiting for. I hate to use the word ‘adult’ in reference to music as it conjures up horrifying, boring images but it really is Mayer’s most grown up record, both lyrically and musically. If you’ve been following his career from the beginning then this album will be the next logical step after last year’s Try! the live John Mayer Trio CD, and 2003’s wonderful Heavier Things. If this is the first album that you pick up, I can’t think of a better place to start and work your way from.

I am a sucker for any man who knows how to really play an instrument and Mayer’s guitar-slinger prowess is the stuff that legends are made of. But backed by Steve Jordan on drums and Pino Palladino on bass, Mayer’s Trio band, there is a rich, full, textured sound (god, an expanded vocabulary would really help right about now) to each song on Continuum. The guitar hook and chorus in “Belief” are still in my head, even after countless appeasing repeat plays, and the endearing simplicity of “The Heart of Life” continuously bowls me over. Not to mention the sheer rockin’ joy encompassed in “Vultures,” first heard on last year’s live album, and “Bold As Love,” a terrific cover of the Hendrix classic. And then there are the lyrics.

“Had a talk with my old man/Said “help me understand”/He said “turn sixty-eight”/”You’ll renegotiate”/”Don’t stop this train/Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in/And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand/I tried my hand/John, honestly we’ll never stop this train.” (“Stop This Train”)

Myself a girl in her mid-twenties, Mayer’s lyrics have always been in direct correlation to whatever new growth and learning process I was undergoing and this time is no different. Taking a cue from Lucy’s angst-filled “Stop the world, I want to get off!” in the unforgettable Charles Schulz cartoons, “Stop This Train” is filled with the kind of thoughts and ideas that start to unravel when you finally begin to realize that time is indeed fleeting, your parents are not super heroes, and that there really is no day but today. The fact that Mayer continues to ask these questions, and demands so much of himself and his listeners, is a testament to his skill as an artist and his sincere love of music. As Cameron Crowe would probably say, it takes a true fan to be a great artist and John Mayer, lucky for us, is both.

Lily Percy – Editor

SPOTLIGHT:

Steve Buscemi

December 13, 1957 -

            The life of the so-called character actor is a unique one. The actor makes his or her living performing in motion pictures, but doesn’t always receive the same recognition, and certainly not the paycheck, of the big box-office stars. However, oftentimes, particularly in recent years, the character actors of the big screen are better thespians than the name in lights on the marquee. And yet to most of the general moviegoer, who can refer to Tom Cruise or Jennifer Lopez or Julia Roberts without batting an eye, character actors are known as “that guy who was in that thing.” By far one of the finest actors and most memorable faces working in film today would be categorized as a character actor, but for those of us that recognize whose really got the goods, he’s known simply as Steve Buscemi.

            Steve Buscemi was born on December 13, 1957 in Brooklyn, New York. Buscemi’s interest in acting began while he was in high school, leading him to study in Manhattan upon graduation. He worked as a firefighter in New York during the early 1980s as he wrote and performed several original theater works with his friend and fellow actor Mark Boone Junior.

            In 1986 Buscemi got a major acting break when he was cast in an integral role in the film Parting Glances. In a movie about gay men years before it was common to see gay characters in film, Steve Buscemi plays Nick, a man living with AIDS. Buscemi gives a wonderful performance in one of American cinema’s earliest portrayals of a man infected with the disease. From the beginning of his film career it is obvious that playing a character honestly, and making it his own through an understanding of humanity, would be a trademark of Buscemi’s work.

            As the eighties gave way to the nineties, Steve Buscemi worked with several of the most promising independent directors of the time, beginning with Jim Jarmusch in 1989’s Mystery Train. The following year he nabbed a supporting role in Abel Ferrara’s King of New York. In 1992, Buscemi starred in two of the biggest successes at the Sundance Film Festival.

            In the Soup, directed by Alexandre Rockwell, featured Steve Buscemi as struggling director Adolpho Rollo. Co-starring Seymour Cassel, it was a realistic portrayal of the out-of-work filmmaker who personified the independent movement. Buscemi gives his character desperation without ever losing his integrity. The audience can feel how badly Adolpho wants to start his film career, and in Buscemi’s hands the character never loses our interest. The scenes between Buscemi and Cassel are delightful, exhibiting Buscemi’s skill as a collaborator.

            Also at Sundance that year was a film by Quentin Tarantino that would provide Buscemi with one of his most popular roles: Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs. Mr. Pink is a loner, or more importantly for him, a survivor. His only interest is getting paid his cut of a bank heist and moving on. One gets the sense that this character knows the ropes—he’s been pulling jobs for many years and he wants nothing to do with outside matters. He doesn’t tip his waitress, he doesn’t seem to be too genuinely concerned with a fellow bank robber who’s bleeding to death, and he appears to only care about himself and his money. By all means, Mr. Pink should be a character we hate. But with Steve Buscemi behind the wheel, Mr. Pink is almost likable; even if we don’t like the man, we like that the character exists. Simply put, he makes the movie that much better.

            Buscemi would again sit in the fictional director’s chair in Tom DiCillo’s 1995 film Living in Oblivion. The film is a witty, fascinating look at the difficulties of making a movie. Life on the film within a film’s set is shown through the director’s dream, an actress’s fantasy and the actual day of shooting. Buscemi adds another level to his performance by playing each perspective differently. In his character’s dream he plays it very frantic, the actress’s fantasy has him almost like a salesman trying to keep everyone happy, and the reality of the filmmaking features a man who’s passionately trying to make his movie. Buscemi’s brilliance shines through in that he never loses the voice of the character throughout the three separate yet intertwined stories.

            That same year, Buscemi had a major impact on the critically acclaimed series “Homicide: Life on the Street.” He played Gordon Pratt, the racist gun enthusiast suspected of shooting three Baltimore detectives. In one of the best guest star appearances in the show’s history, Buscemi went toe to toe with series regulars Andre Braugher and Kyle Secor. In the years to come, Buscemi would also direct an episode of the show as well as episodes of HBO’s “Oz” and “The Sopranos.”

            In 1996, Buscemi stepped behind the camera as the writer and director of Trees Lounge. The film reflected Buscemi’s interest in working on character driven stories. The picture revolves around Buscemi’s character Tommy and the people who frequent the bar he lives above. Tommy’s life is falling apart in more ways than one: He has been fired, his girlfriend has left him for his former boss, and he may be starting an inappropriate relationship with his ex-girlfriend’s seventeen year-old niece. The performance is another example of Buscemi playing a “loser,” but his humanity is what overshadows everything else. Some of the best scenes in the film are the moments in the bar, shared between Buscemi and long-time friend Mark Boone Junior.

            Also in 1996, Buscemi turned in one of his greatest performances as Carl Showalter in the Coen Brothers’ Fargo. It was the fourth appearance he’d made in a movie for the filmmakers (Miller’s Crossing, Barton Fink, and The Hudsucker Proxy preceded it). Buscemi plays the absurdity of his character’s situation to perfection: the key to his performance is that he doesn’t play anything for laughs. It’s a dark comedy, and the humor is there, so Buscemi relies on honesty to make his character work. Two years later, Buscemi would have a supporting role in the Coen Brothers’ The Big Lebowski. As the mistreated, reserved Donny, Buscemi’s character may be the most likable in the story. Though it seems the role may have been underwritten, Buscemi goes a long way to make him stand out amidst a collection of outlandish characters.

            Standing out in a big cast is something Buscemi would again accomplish in Stanley Tucci’s The Impostors. Among a collection of who’s who of independent film that includes Lili Taylor, Oliver Platt, Campbell Scott, Hope Davis and many others, Buscemi’s suicidal lounge singer is an absolute mess and a riot at the same time. The singer’s inability to get through a song on stage without crying, and his inability to successfully kill himself, fit right in with the off-the-wall tone of this modern day screwball comedy.

            Buscemi would step behind the camera again in 2000 for an adaptation of Eddie Bunker’s Animal Factory. Starring Willem Dafoe, Edward Furlong, Mickey Rourke and Danny Trejo, Animal Factory is a picture about the realities of being in prison, and the flawed aspects of the penal system. Edward Furlong’s character is sent to prison on a relatively minor drug offense, but becomes more criminal than his nature would induce as a result of imprisonment. Buscemi went to San Quentin and talked to many prisoners to get research for the film that he said was invaluable. “What really attracted me to the project is that it’s written by somebody who knows what he’s talking about,” recalls Buscemi. “Eddie Bunker was a convict for close to twenty years, maybe more. And I’m just so impressed by his writing, and I knew that he would be a great help to the film.”

            Being an actor is something that Buscemi feels has helped him as a director. He remarks, “Coming from acting, hopefully I have an understanding of the process… I’d like to think that I know how to talk to actors, but it’s still hard.” In all of the films Buscemi has directed, it is clear that he does have an understanding of the process. His movies are character driven pieces that are highlighted by real, natural performances.

            In 2001’s Ghost World, Buscemi again delves into the life of a lonely man who finds companionship in a younger woman played by Thora Birch. It is yet another great Steve Buscemi performance that elevates the character to someone for whom we empathize because Buscemi brings the familiar human qualities to light. Often Buscemi will play the role of a person that would typically be considered strange or anti-social, but he finds the traits in the character that are identifiable to most people.

            Later that year, after the terror of what occurred at the World Trade Center on September 11^th, 2001, Buscemi went to his old firehouse to volunteer. He spent the next few days working with New York City’s bravest and finest, doing whatever he could to help. Over the next few years, Buscemi would continue to play a variety of characters in films like Tim Burton’s Big Fish and a recurring role on “The Sopranos.”

            Buscemi’s latest directorial effort was 2006’s Lonesome Jim. Starring Casey Affleck, Liv Tyler, Mary Kay Place and Kevin Corrigan, the film centers around a dissatisfied man in his late twenties who is forced to move back home with his parents and older brother. Affleck’s Jim is mostly a selfish, disillusioned young man who refers to himself as having “chronic despair.” Jim suffers from self-afflicted unhappiness. Despite loving parents and a wonderful potential girlfriend whose son looks up to him, Jim still agonizes over what has gone wrong with his life. What Buscemi does with his film is show the audience Jim for who he is. He doesn’t go out of his way to warm the audience up to Jim, therefore betraying the truth of the piece. Jim will have his realization in due time, but until he does, Buscemi is sticking with honesty.

            Character driven stories, human behavior, real people acting honestly, all qualities traditionally found in the works of John Cassavetes, Jim Jarmusch and John Sayles, continue to be displayed in the films Steve Buscemi has directed. And as an actor he’s one of our most prolific. For twenty years Steve Buscemi has acted in a variety of films—from animated features like Monsters Inc. and summer blockbusters such as Armageddon to independent productions like Twenty Bucks and Coffee and Cigarettes. No matter the size or quality of the production, Steve Buscemi has frequently provided excellent performances, thus proving once and for all that there is nothing wrong with being a character actor.

David Sayre – Independent Filmmaker/Essayist

Select Steve Buscemi Filmography:

Parting Glances (1986)

Mystery Train (1989)

King of New York (1990)

In the Soup (1992)

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Twenty Bucks (1993)

Rising Sun (1993)

Living in Oblivion (1995)

Homicide: Life on the Street (1995)

Desperado (1995)

Fargo (1996)

Trees Lounge (1996)

The Big Lebowski (1998)

The Impostors (1998)

28 Days (2000)

Ghost World (2001)

Big Fish (2003)

Coffee & Cigarettes (2003)

The Sopranos (2004-2006)

AS DIRECTOR:

Trees Lounge (1996)

Animal Factory (2000)

Lonesome Jim (2006)

Episodes of “The Sopranos,” “Oz” and “Homicide: Life on the Street”