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Premonition
Richard: (Garbled through a mouth full of cookies) We’re watching
Premonition.
Jeanne:
(Also speaking through half-eaten cookies) We’re watching Premonition.
Richard: And eating cookies…really awesome cookies.
Jeanne:
That I made ‘cause I’m the cookie monster.
Chris:
I wonder if it’s going to be letterbox.
The movie begins.
Jeanne,
Chris and Richard: OH!
Chris:
It’s full screen.
Jeanne:
I’m sorry. We’re probably missing crucial information.
Chris:
It’s Premonition.
Jeanne:
Imagine what’s going on off screen. Is that the guy from Nip/Tuck?
Richard: That’s Dr. Doom! From “Nip/Tuck!”
Jeanne:
He’s not Dr. Doom on “Nip/Tuck.” He was Dr. Doom in something separate.
Richard: Dr. Doom should have gone to “Nip/Tuck.” He’s got that fucked
up face.
Chris:
Oh My God! Look at his ass! I think he has a freemason symbol.
Jeanne:
Is this like a National Treasure thing?
Richard: You know what I think a bigger question is? Why was Chris
looking at his ass?
Jeanne:
(Gasps)
Chris:
I wasn’t looking at his ass.
Jeanne:
Honey!
Chris:
I saw like a golden freemason symbol and I was like…
Jeanne:
I’m never leaving you and Richard home alone again.
Richard: You mean homo alone!
Jeanne:
I don’t know what you’ve done to my fiancé but it’s unacceptable. (Referring
to Dr. Doom’s ass) It’s also extremely flat.
Chris:
All I know is…
Richard: I got a mustache ride.
Jeanne:
From Dr. Doom?! He doesn’t have a mustache.
Richard: I haven’t seen Sandra Bullock in anything since Crash.
Jeanne:
I haven’t seen her in anything good.
Chris:
…Since The Net.
Jeanne:
(Laughing) The Net?!
Richard: Practical Magic at least. Forces of Nature?
Chris:
(Laughing maniacally) That’s very revealing, Richard. That says a
lot about you.
Richard: I like Forces of Nature.
Jeanne:
Um…she was good in…Speed? Not Speed 2.
Richard: You saw Speed 2?!
Jeanne:
(Defensively) I saw it on like TNT!
Richard: You can’t mock me for Forces of Nature if you saw
Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Jeanne:
You can’t blame me for shit that’s on TV when I’m bored.
Richard: Like “The Pickup Artist?”
Jeanne:
Your mom’s the pickup artist. Your mom is Mrs. Mystery.
Richard: You’re drunk. What’s in that milk?
Jeanne:
Vodka! I like to get the cows drunk so that it’s actually in the milk.
Richard: Cow tipsy.
Suddenly we remember that we’re supposed to be watching a movie. Sandra
Bullock is in bed when her two daughters run in to wake her up. We find
out that Dr. Doom is on a business trip and should be arriving home
today.
Richard: Sandra Bullock has no breasts.
Chris:
I was about to say the same exact thing. She’s got two kids and she’s
still got no breasts? Does that happen?
Richard: Is that why Paris Hilton wants to have kids? To improve her
bosoms?
Chris:
I think it’s that and that she’s in competition with Nicole Richie.
Jeanne:
Are you serious? Why wouldn’t she just get breast implants?
Sandra Bullock packs her kids off to school.
Richard: That’s a cute little lunch box, isn’t it?
Jeanne:
Why did you just say that specifically to me? I’m the only person who
can appreciate a girl’s lunchbox?
Chris:
‘Because you’re a girl.
Richard: It’s a pink lunchbox with rainbow colored hearts.
Jeanne:
Have I ever worn anything pink?
Richard: Yes, your underwear.
Jeanne:
I don’t even think that I have any pink underwear.
Chris:
You do.
Jeanne:
I do? I have underwear with like pink on it but I don’t think that I
have any pink underwear.
Richard: And now the whole world knows.
Jeanne:
Your mom knows.
While her kids are at school, Sandra Bullock does boring housewife stuff
like clean the house, put ugly butterfly stickers on the sliding glass
door and wash clothes.
Jeanne:
Look she has a laundry room.
Richard: She’s automatically my hero for having a laundry room. Right
Chris?
Chris:
Yeah. I wish I had a dishwasher.
Jeanne:
I bet she has a dishwasher.
Richard: And an iPhone.
Chris:
I don’t think that she has an iPhone. This movie came out before that.
Richard: I really like Sandra Bullock.
Jeanne:
I don’t really care either way.
Richard: I know she’s not the most talented actress in the world…
Chris:
Nor does she choose good movies.
In the midst of her chores, Sandra Bullock sees that there’s a message
on the answering machine. It’s from Dr. Doom. He’s rambling on about how
he meant what he said in front of the kids the other night. Sandra
Bullock looks as confused as we do. Then Dr. Doom gets a call on the
other line, mutters, “Is that you?” and hangs up. Sandra Bullock calls
Dr. Doom back on his cell but it goes to voicemail. Moments later the
doorbell rings.
Chris:
That’s my mom’s doorbell.
Richard: I like that doorbell.
Chris:
It’s the Big Ben.
At the door is a sheriff. He tells Sandra Bullock that Dr. Doom died in
a car accident yesterday.
Jeanne:
I think the heartbeat sound over the dialogue is pretty bad.
Chris:
Don’t they need someone to identify the body?
Jeanne:
Maybe there was ID or something.
Chris:
Maybe it was someone who stole his wallet.
Sandra Bullock zones out and stares into the camera freakily while the
sheriff asks her if there’s anything that he can do for her.
Jeanne:
Unkill my husband.
Richard: (Laughing) Unkill my husband! That’s gold, Jeanne.
Chris:
Ravage me?
Jeanne:
(laughing) I’ve always had a thing for men in uniform. She is
single now.
Richard: She’s single and free to mingle.
Chris:
Yeah!
Richard: She’s gonna stay single though ‘cause she calls her underwear
panties…and keeps a dream journal. (To fill you in, this comment
refers to an article in the back of EW or Details or some other random
magazine that made it into our bathroom. The article listed 100 reasons
why a person is still single. Some of them being calling underwear
“panties” and writing in a dream journal.)
Chris:
What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with panties?
Richard: I don’t know.
Chris:
That’s what you call girl underwear. They’re panties.
Jeanne:
Only if I guess you’ve never been in a room with them, maybe…men who
fantasize about one day…I don’t know what I’m saying. Lonely World-of-Warcraft-playing
virgins call them panties. That’s what I’m saying.
Richard: Ow! I think I have an earwig.
Chris:
I don’t think earwigs actually go in your ear.
Richard: Oh, I think it’s just a crumb from the cookies.
Jeanne:
How did you get that in your ear?
Richard: That’s what she said.
We all look at the TV screen long enough to see that Sandra Bullock has
one of those awful black and white cat clocks where the eyes and tail
tick back and forth with the seconds. Everyone’s appalled.
Richard: She has a fucking cat clock!
Jeanne:
Who has those clocks? Those clocks are awful!
Chris:
You guys are really terrified of those clocks. That’s funny.
Jeanne:
I’m not scared of them I just think that they’re tacky.
Richard: Yeah, they are tacky.
Chris:
(The only one who’s catching on to the fact that this is a movie
and things like ugly butterfly stickers and tacky clocks are being used
to define character) Her life is tacky. That’s like the point of
the movie so far.
When her kids get home from school, Sandra Bullock prepares to tell them
that daddy Doom is dead.
Richard: Your dad’s dead. I have to go back to hooking.
Jeanne:
I think that’s inappropriate.
Chris:
Those children are not of the same father.
Jeanne:
That child is like Mexican. Wasn’t there another movie that was like
that? There was something that had like a couple of kids and each one
looked like a different ethnicity.
Richard: It was the movie with Julianne Moore. The Prize Winner of
Defiance, Ohio.
Jeanne:
It was. But she had like eight kids. Maybe they didn’t have enough
casting available.
Sandra Bullock’s mom helps her two granddaughters work on a puzzle.
Chris:
We just missed a very touching moment.
Richard: Yeah, I was really touched.
Jeanne:
When they finish will it be a picture of a fiery car crash or something?
Richard: No, it’ll be a picture of a happy family with a dad that’s not
dead!
Sandra Bullock falls asleep on the couch looking through her wedding
album.
Richard: Oh, look at the beautiful wedding you had Sandra Bullock. Ugh,
when she kissed him all I could think of was, “Wait, he was the one that
fucked Rosie O’Donnell on the show, right?” Imagine having to do that.
Imagine having to go to work and do that! I would cut off my testicles
and run away.
Jeanne:
Well, if he did it well he must be a very good actor. It must be like a
boon to his portfolio.
Richard: That’s a good point. I think he might be the best actor ever.
Jeanne:
That he didn’t just walk into the scene and throw up.
Sandra Bullock wakes up the next morning in bed and dressed totally
differently from when she fell asleep. She stumbles downstairs a little
confused and sees Dr. Doom standing in the kitchen eating breakfast!
Zombies!
Jeanne:
Maybe he’s a clone. Maybe this is really like The Island.
Richard: If this movie were realistic at all she’d be standing in a
puddle of her own urine.
Jeanne:
I’d have probably just started screaming.
Richard: Be gone you ghost! Leave me alone!
Chris:
Can we expense this movie? Make Lily pay for it.
Jeanne:
(Still hating on the cat clock) Dude, somebody shoot the clock!
Richard: I think that the napkin dispenser is a cat, too.
Since Sandra Bullock is all dazed and confused with the sudden
re-aliveness of her husband, she nearly runs a red light and is pulled
over by a cop. The cop comes up to the window and it’s totally the
Sheriff that told her that her husband was dead the day before except he
doesn’t act like he remembers her. What a wacky world.
Sandra Bullock seems to be experiencing a lot of déjà vu as the day goes
on. She hands her kids their lunchboxes, she jogs, she showers, and she
sees the same clothes waiting to be washed…
Chris:
Wait, I washed that sweater yesterday!
Richard: Oh, that’s right. I’m a housewife.
Jeanne:
Everyday is always the same.
As Sandra Bullock hangs up laundry in the backyard she trips over a toy
and falls backward onto a nasty dead crow and her hand’s covered in
blood. The music swells and there’s a crazy heightened sense of panic as
she flees into the house to scrub herself clean with dish soap.
Chris:
She’s OCD.
Richard: She is OCD ‘cause before when she took something out of the
cabinet she immediately pulled something out and lined them up. I
thought it was just a little quirk but maybe it’s a character thing.
Maybe Sandra Bullock is a much more detailed actress then we ever
expected.
Finally, the dead bird is properly buried in the trashcan and we can all
move on. Sandra Bullock goes to get into bed with Dr. Doom.
Chris:
Bitch takes up a lot of space on that bed.
Richard: Another reason she should hope he dies.
Jeanne:
Because she’ll get more room?
Richard: Yeah, he’s about to push her skinny ass right off.
Sandra Bullock stares at him intently. I think it’s supposed to be a
gaze of love but it looks a little more like a hungry man and a ham
sandwich.
Jeanne:
That’s like us at night, honey. You go to bed and then I just stare at
you for a couple of hours.
Richard: It’s true. I’ve seen her staring at you.
Jeanne:
Yeah, you try to get away but I don’t let you.
Chris:
Except it’s the other way around. You take up all of the bed!
Jeanne:
(gasps)
Richard: On record!
Jeanne:
Oh, he’s probably right.
Richard: Should I take pictures to prove it?
Jeanne:
I have a very big personality. It means a lot of cover space.
Sandra Bullock wakes up.
Chris:
Now he’s gonna be dead again!
She’s wearing one of Dr. Doom’s work shirts, there’s a big bottle of
liquor next to her and a bottle of lithium pills scattered around the
sink. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he is dead again. That or this
just turned into 28 Days.
As she heads down the stairs she sees her living room full of people
dressed in black. Her mom and best friend intercept her at the foot of
the stairs and try to steer her away from making a scene.
Richard: I always felt like Kate Nelligan (Sandra’s mom in this) is who
you get if you can’t afford Blythe Danner. The way that Sandra Bullock
was who you got if you couldn’t afford Julia Roberts and then the guy
from “Nip/Tuck” was who you’d get if you couldn’t afford Dylan McDermott
who was who you would get if you couldn’t afford, like, Brad Pitt.
Jeanne:
So this whole movie is like C-List celebrities.
Richard: D and C-List celebrities.
Sandra Bullock goes running out to the backyard where she was told her
daughters are. She sees them on the swings but is shocked when her older
daughter turns around and her face is covered in grotesque cuts and
stitches.
Chris:
(In his best creepy little girl voice) But I am your daughter…
Sandra Bullock freaks the fuck out asking her daughter what happened to
her and how she got the scars. Her younger daughter interrupts and says,
“There’s no cuts, mommy. She’s perfect, like a beautiful princess.”
Jeanne:
You’re crazy.
Chris:
(laughing) Hit her! Slap her!
Richard: That’s exactly what I’d be like. “You dumb whore.” That’s why
we’d be bad parents.
Now cut to the funeral. Sandra Bullock arrives and has gotten it into
her head that her husband isn’t really dead and this is just some way
she’s being elaborately punk’d. She storms up to the hearse and demands
that they open the casket right now. The funeral director attempts to
explain that her husband looked pretty shitty after being crushed in a
car and they don’t think she wants to see him like that but in the
ensuing scuffle the casket is dropped and Dr. Doom’s head goes rolling
out of it. Damn, that’s way dead. There’s no debating that anymore. Oh,
and your kids will need a whole lot of therapy.
Richard: Oh No! His head just fell out of the coffin!
Chris:
They didn’t attach it?!
Jeanne:
I guess it was a closed casket. They just set it there…
Chris:
They didn’t even sew it on…?
Richard: You know where that would never happen? Fisher & Sons.
Chris:
With like twine or something?
Richard: Fucking duct tape.
Jeanne:
So does that mean it was him?
Chris:
She freaked out so I guess so.
During the burial, Sandra Bullock notices a blonde woman standing beside
her car nearby and watching the funeral. Like the crazy person she is,
she stands and runs out of her husband’s funeral while the priest is
still speaking and heads towards her. Like a sane person, the blonde
woman rushes for her car door in an attempt to flee. Sandra Bullock
catches up to her and asks who she is and what she’s doing there. The
blonde woman says that they talked about everything yesterday, doesn’t
she remember? Of course she doesn’t since she’s crazy and the blonde
woman rushes the fuck out of there.
Back at home, Sandra Bullock searches through the phone book looking for
Dr. Roth, the name of the doc that’s on her lithium pill bottle. The
page has been torn out but she finds it crumpled in the trash.
Richard: Someone ripped out the page, Sandra Bullock.
Chris:
She probably did.
Jeanne:
I’m sure we’ll find out. I think she’s living days out of order…’cause
that happens all of the time.
Richard: You know what would be a really good horror movie? She’s living
days out of order and all of those days happen to be her heaviest flow
days! We could call it “Crimson Tide!”
Everyone groans and then laughs.
Sandra Bullock is sitting in the living room with her mother and her
best friend, Nia Long. Her friend starts to take her daughters up to bed
when the doorbell rings.
Chris:
You’re not my mom. You’re black.
Jeanne:
Let’s not get into that kind of stuff again, honey.
Richard: I don’t like Nia Long’s hair that short.
Chris:
I think it’s pretty.
At the door is Dr. Roth, the sheriff and some nurses. They totally take
down Sandra Bullock and haul her ass to the loony bin. Way harsh.
Jeanne:
One day of acting weird and you’re gonna get institutionalized. They
tied her to a chair…like a puppy!
Chris:
What do you do with your puppies?! We’re never getting a puppy now.
Richard: No Mr. Muggles?
Chris:
Not if she’s gonna fucking tie it to a chair and stuff!
Jeanne:
(laughing so hard she can barely speak ‘cause nothing’s funnier than
animal abuse) I mean like when you tie a leash to something.
Richard: I think you need to seriously think about whether or not you
want to have children with Jeanne.
Jeanne:
I mean like when you see dogs outside of stores and they’re like leashed
to shit. I didn’t mean like tie it!
Sandra Bullock is sedated and the scene fades out.
Chris:
This gonna be like The Jacket essentially.
Richard: (Repulsed by the shirt lifting as they sedate Sandra
Bullock) No, please, pull the shirt back down again.
Chris:
It’s like Claire Danes with you.
Jeanne:
But you know what’s funny is they just panned up her back and until they
hit her arm I thought it was her front. She’s missing some boobs.
Richard: The Brooklyn Gang is all about boobs. We like boobs.
The next scene opens and Sandra Bullock wakes up at home in bed. She
hears the shower running and rushes toward the bathroom.
Richard: Now she’s at home! What? Is that Bobby Ewing in the shower?
Jeanne:
Bobby Ewing?
Richard: Yeah, I’ll be in charge of making the thirty-year-old
references.
Chris:
I got it.
Jeanne:
Who’s Bobby Ewing?
Chris:
He was on “Dallas.”
Jeanne:
Oh, Richard.
Richard: He was on “Dallas” and they had like this whole season where
all this crazy shit happens and this guy who’s supposed to be dead at
the beginning of the season at the very last episode of the season his
wife wakes up and she hears the shower so she walks into the bathroom
and the guy’s in the shower and the whole season turns out to be a
dream.
Sandra Bullock sees Dr. Doom in the shower and is so overcome with joy
that she walks right into the shower, clothes and all to hug him. She
totally is crazy. She also has very erect nipples.
Richard: It must be very cold in there.
Chris:
You’d think it’d be very warm in there with the shower going on.
Richard: Maybe he’s taking a cold shower.
Jeanne:
Maybe she’s really excited.
Richard: He’s a very good-looking man. If I had him naked in my shower
I’d probably have erect nipples, too. (Note: Richard always has erect
nipples.)
Chris:
You said you didn’t think he was attractive earlier.
Richard: He’s not but he has an amazing body.
Jeanne:
Except when he uses that body to pleasure Rosie O’Donnell. Think about
it, Richard. Think about his hot body against Rosie O’Donnell. Naked.
Rolling around. Maybe she’s sweating. She’s a little moist.
Richard: Of course she’s sweating.
Chris:
I like to think that her sweat smells like lasagna. She gets up and it’s
just musky lasagna.
Jeanne:
Did she have the flock of seagulls’ hair when they had sex? ‘Cause that
would be hot.
Richard: Oh God. I stopped watching that show like halfway through the
first disk.
Sandra Bullock goes downstairs for breakfast and sees that her
daughter’s face is unscarred.
Richard: She’s still not that cute.
Chris:
And now she looks at the other daughter and she’s got like third degree
burns.
Jeanne:
Then it’s becoming The Butterfly Effect.
When Sandra Bullock gets home from taking her kids to school she finds
Dr. Roth’s info in the phone book, rips out the page and heads to his
office. She tells him that she knows her husband will die and starts
telling him all of the stuff that she’s been through. The doc prescribes
her lithium. Somehow Sandra Bullock isn’t realizing that everything
she’s doing is just making this come true.
Sandra Bullock then drives over to Dr. Doom’s office. She sees the chick
from the graveyard walk in. She’s the new assistant manager under Dr.
Doom. And we do mean UNDER Dr. Doom. Chick is totally fucking her
husband.
Jeanne:
Obviously he likes girls with no breasts and very prominent chins.
Skip to Sandra Bullock back at home with the kids. She’s upstairs in the
bathroom thinking about taking the lithium when she hears it begin to
rain outside. She yells down to the girls to run outside and start
taking the laundry down. The music swells and we know that this won’t be
your average run for laundry in the backyard. Her older daughter totally
runs face first through the sliding glass door.
Jeanne:
That was really poorly done.
Chris:
That was so fake.
Sandra Bullock rushes her now hideous daughter to the hospital.
Richard: So, wait; on the first day she put the decals on the door…so
that day didn’t happen yet?
Jeanne:
Well, yeah. I think she’s gone back like two or three days before his
trip.
Chris:
I don’t know what’s going on.
Jeanne:
I feel like I need a timeline.
Chris:
I think she draws one up. I saw one in the commercials.
Jeanne:
But you know it doesn’t really make sense because if she was putting up
decals she would have known why her kid was all fucked up so it would
have been after that… and her girl was fine.
Sandra Bullock sits down with her Frankenstein-looking daughter and
tells her that no matter what anyone says she looks perfect, like a
princess.
Chris:
(Vain bastard) No, you’re gonna be the girl that no one asks out
for dances and then your dad’s gonna die and you’re gonna be a weirdo
kid. Man, that’s it for you.
Richard: You’re scarred for life and not just your fucked up face.
Psychologically, too.
Dr. Doom blames Sandra Bullock for her daughter’s hideousness since she
didn’t put up the butterfly stickers. Sandra Bullock counters by saying
that she thought that she had.
Chris:
I grew up with sliding glass doors and I never ran full force into them.
Richard: Because you’re not retarded.
That evening, Sandra Bullock is changing when she feels the crumpled
phonebook page in her back pocket. She goes to throw it into the trash
can when she suddenly realizes what we’ve been saying all along. She’s
just playing into the whole thing. She rushes downstairs to create a
timeline of events so she can figure out what the fuck is going on in
this shitty movie. She figures out that her husband dies on Wednesday
and the day she’s currently in is Tuesday. When her husband comes
downstairs she begs him not to go on his trip in case something happens
to him. That fails and she settles for just asking him to wake her up
tomorrow before he leaves for his trip. He promises but you know a man’s
promise is as worthless as a pocketful of rubles.
Sandra Bullock wakes up on the living room couch with her wedding album.
She finds where she hid her timeline and figures out that she’s on
Friday, the day after he dies and the day before the funeral. She drives
to Dr. Doom’s mistress’ house and confronts her. She learns that he
hadn’t cheated yet but that he was thinking about it. She meets up with
her best friend and becomes seriously psychotic. She starts saying that
the fact that he was thinking of cheating may have made it worthwhile
for him to die because of the damage it would have done to his family.
She then makes a stop at her insurance agent’s office and finds out that
her incessant nagging of Dr. Doom caused him to triple his life
insurance on the morning of his trip. Rocking!
On her way home she stops the car by a lake and stares out at the homes
there. An older man stops to talk to her and asks if she has family.
Jeanne:
Yes, but one’s dead and one’s ugly.
The older man tells her that a lot of people stop here, see the houses
and think about starting over.
Richard: Ha! The Lake House!
Chris:
It’s like a prequel.
Richard: Maybe next she’s going to wake up inside the mental
institution. Bound and violated!
Chris:
Richard, don’t go there.
Richard: We were going there like twenty fucking minutes ago, Chris!
Chris:
And we’ve already left. We went and we came back.
Richard: It was just a quick in and out is what you’re saying?
Jeanne:
That’s what she said.
The next day starts and Dr. Doom’s alive again! It’s the Sunday before
the accident. Dr. Doom goes out with the girls while Sandra Bullock
drives to a Catholic church and prays.
Richard: You know what would be so awesome to do right now, Sandra
Bullock, is to put some fucking stickers on your fucking glass pane.
Jeanne:
That would make sense so your daughter doesn’t come out disfigured.
Richard: Your daughter isn’t having an affair.
Jeanne:
And she never will.
Richard: I get it ‘cause she’s scarred.
Jeanne:
Guy’s don’t have affairs with ugly chicks. Although I did know a guy
once who had a thing for girls with prosthetic limbs. He was a jackass.
Sandra Bullock tells her priest about her premonitions although I think
that whatever the fuck is going on is way more than a premonition.
Anyway, he begins to tell her of historically documented accounts of
similar things. In one case a woman foresaw a hurricane wiping out a
town. The townspeople hung her as a witch and two days later their town
was decimated by a hurricane. Another account is a man who had a
premonition of his two sons dying of influenza so he shot them both to
spare them the agony of sickness. It turns out in the autopsy that they
weren’t sick so the man shot himself. Wow, such warm and fuzzy stories.
Way to cheer her up.
Jeanne:
(After the priest says that everyday we’re alive is a miracle)
Richard’s skeptical. You scoffed at miracles. Somewhere Jesus scoffed
back.
Richard: I don’t like this scene.
Jeanne:
Is it because you think that they should have sex and it makes you feel
dirty?
Sandra Bullock stops at the mile marker where the Sheriff says that the
accident happens. She gets out of her car and sort of stands in the
middle of the street staring at the marker.
Jeanne:
Does she cause the car accident?
Richard: That would be fucking awesome.
Jeanne:
I kind of wonder if she does.
Richard: I bet she does.
Chris:
How can she cause it?
Richard: She can stop traffic. She’s Sandra Bullock!
Jeanne:
Is she gonna stand in front of his car?
Chris:
Well, this is not that day.
Jeanne:
Yeah, I’d cheat on her, too. She’s creepy.
Richard: Would you cheat on her with that chick?
Jeanne:
No, I’d find somebody hotter, without the ass chin. I don’t like the ass
chin.
Richard: Like Nia Long.
Jeanne:
Nia Long’s pretty hot. Chris wouldn’t ‘cause he doesn’t like black
people.
Chris:
That’s not true!
Sandra Bullock and Dr. Doom are giving their daughters goodnight hugs
when Sandra Bullock tells the girls to go give their dad an extra hug
and tell him that they love him. Dr. Doom hugs them back but doesn’t
return the “I love you’s.” To be fair, he’s fucking Dr. Doom! Anyway,
Sandra Bullock is totally creepy and tells him that he has to tell them
that he loves them. I’m sure this is a moment that a child remembers in
therapy two decades later and realizes that it’s the reason that they
ended up strippers or something. Dr. Doom hugs his daughters again and
tells him that he loves them and that he loves Sandra Bullock, too. So
this is that thing that he’s talking about in the answering machine
message from the beginning of the movie. There’s too much to keep track
of in this shit.
Jeanne:
She’s like a crazy bitch. I mean she is time traveling so I guess that
fucks you up a little bit.
Richard: What happened to Sandy Bullock, America’s sweetheart?
Chris:
That was Julia Roberts.
Jeanne:
She’s the poor man’s Julia Roberts. She’s the Aerosmith to everyone’s
Rolling Stones.
Dr. Doom finds Sandra Bullock sulking outside. They start fighting. She
wants to know why things aren’t like they used to be. In the middle of
their fight a flash of lightning strikes a power line next to the house
and Dr. Doom grabs Sandra Bullock and pulls her inside. They end up
making love and it looks like their strained marriage is starting to
heal. Just in time for him to get decapitated and leave her a million
dollars.
When Sandra Bullock wakes up it’s Wednesday, the day that her husband
will die. It looks like he didn’t wake her up before he left. Bastard.
She rushes out of the house, frantically trying to call him on his cell
phone. The scene then cuts to Dr. Doom in his car getting a call from
his mistress chick. She’s at a hotel room waiting for him. He tells her
that he can’t cheat on his wife. It looks like that stormy romp in the
sack made him remember how much he loved her tiny bosom and masculine
chin. Dr. Doom then calls the house and leaves her the message where he
tells her that he meant it when he said that he loved her. He clicks
over from leaving the message because Sandra Bullock’s calling him on
her cell on the other line. They have a heartfelt reconciliation.
Richard: You know what I think could have saved their lives? Hands free
phones like in the Prius. (on “Weeds.”)
Sandra Bullock has caught up to Dr. Doom in her car and tells him that
she’s right behind him. He pulls over and, shockingly, we see that he’s
just pulled over at the mile marker that he supposedly dies at. Sandra
Bullock freaks out when she sees that and tells him that if he loves her
he must turn around right now and head home. Of course, as he starts
turning around he’s nearly sideswiped by another car.
Jeanne:
You’re gonna kill your husband.
He slams on the breaks to avoid being hit but his car stalls in the
middle of the street. He can’t get it started. Behind him we see a giant
fuel tanker heading up the street that jack-knifes and smashes into his
car, sheering off the roof and, we can only assume, decapitating him.
Chris:
Maybe he ducked.
Just in case you were being optimistic too, the tanker explodes and
everything goes up in a giant ball of fire. That dude is SO not having
an open casket.
Jeanne:
I don’t think ducking is getting him out of that shit. But how would she
not have known then when the cop came the next day?
Chris:
She did change it.
Jeanne:
But she just got to watch it.
Chris:
You stupid bitch.
Jeanne:
But she also caused it because if she hadn’t called him he would have
kept driving.
Chris:
Yes. She didn’t know that.
Jeanne:
She should have fucking known that. Everything that she was doing was
causing everything to come true.
Chris:
I just don’t understand that if she knows he’s going to die in a car
accident that she’s like “pull over to the side of the road.”
Epilogue: Sandra Bullock and her daughters have moved to a house on that
lake that she saw. Her daughters have run in to tell her that the moving
van is there.
Richard: How’d you get out of being institutionalized, Sandy Bullock?
Chris:
Well, I guess maybe that didn’t happen the same since she was at the
scene.
Sandra Bullock stands up and we see that she’s pregnant. Aww…how…lame.
Richard: Oh, she’s pregnant.
Jeanne:
From that last night when they were still friendly?
Chris:
That’s what they stop the movie on?
Jeanne:
Oh my god, this suuucked.
Chris:
We paid for this! We paid money for this!
Richard: Reimbursement!
Jeanne:
It’s expense-able to Pictures and Frames. Maybe she’ll give birth
to a tiny him and then she’ll grow him up and marry him. That’s the
hope. That she can make him again.
Some
thoughts on this film, courtesy of IMDB:
1) Go
see a doctor, you are insane!
2) Worst
film ever, like Vanilla Sky.
3) The
most morbid piece of trash I’ve ever watched.
4) Watching
paint dry is boring. This film is like being kicked in the balls and
then having your legs blown off while being deprived of sleep for a week
and listening to the Fratelli’s new album.
5) Not
one good thing in this movie.
6) Sandra
Bullock’s best comedic performance yet.
And
continuing on with our love of the bad time-traveling movies, please
tune in next month for Next! (dear God, save us all…)
The Saturday
Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:
Jeanne Lopez,
Cookie Monster
Rick Sayre,
Pop-Culture Critic
Christopher
Wilson, Vampire Hunter.
BrooklynGang@picturesandframesmagazine.com
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