Photo Courtesy © ThinkFilm

The Ten

Directed by: David Wain

Written by: David Wain and Ken Marino

Starring: Paul Rudd, Adam Brody, Bobby Cannavale, Rob Corddry, Famke Janssen, Kerri Kenney, Ken Marino, A.D. Miles, Gretchen Mol, Oliver Platt, Winona Ryder, Liev Schreiber, Ron Silver and Jessica Alba.

In the world of the rabid cinephile, there is nothing more disappointing than a comedy that doesn't deliver. And when you have the team behind "The State," Wet Hot American Summer, Reno 911! at the helm, that disappointment quickly turns into sheer "What went wrong?" disbelief, as a trailer, cast and premise this funny seemed like a sure-fire laugh fest. But alas, the only laughter to be heard at the afternoon screening that I attended was of the nervous and uncomfortable variety.

The film tells 10 different stories (some of which cross-over into other stories and feature the same characters/actors), each of them dealing with one of the Ten Commandments, which was the same idea behind legendary Polish writer-director Krzysztof Kieslowski's The Decalogue, except his vision actually worked and is regarded as a masterpiece by the likes of Stanley Kubrick, whereas David Wain and Ken Marino's The Ten is anything but. Most of the story lines that make up each individual commandment are downright stupid and fall flat--"Thou Shalt Not Kill," which features Ken Marino as a surgeon who "goofs"; "Thou Shalt Not Steal," where Winona Ryder falls in love with a ventriloquist dummy; and the animated "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness," where a gossiping rhinoceros (voiced by the wonderful H. Jon Benjamin, a.k.a. Coach McGuirk of "Home Movies") learns a hard lesson, are all painfully un-funny. As is the story that in some ways opens the film and is seen throughout, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," where Paul Rudd, who serves as the movie's narrator (and also co-produced the film), cheats on his wife, played by Famke Janssen, with a younger, sillier woman, played by Jessica Alba. Rudd, who normally steals the show in every film that he's in, is uncharacteristically sedate and joyless in The Ten and as a result, his storyline is by far the most tedious of the bunch.

The only truly hilarious part of the film, and I don't think I'm really spoiling anything by mentioning it here, belongs to "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife," where a prisoner, played by Rob Corddry, lusts after a fellow inmate, played by Ken Marino, and seeks to make him his "bitch." The dialogue that the two characters exchange in the prison yard is almost worth the price of admission, but the fact that it is only one out of ten acts in this film that is actually funny, I say you're better off saving The Ten for your NetFlix queue.

Lily@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Paramount Pictures

Stardust

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Written by: Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais, Sienna Miller, Henry Cavill, Peter O'Toole, Sarah Alexander, Jason Flemyng, Rupert Everett

In 1995 Claire Danes and I were like sisters. I fretted over whether or not Jordan Catalano liked her or whether he was even good enough. I worried about Rayanne and I stood up for Rickie. But then, like so many good friends, we grew apart. I started college and she did The Mod Squad. Okay, so that was like five years later but, still, I guess what I’m getting at is that during the days of “My So-Called Life” I was a huge Claire Danes fan but as she hit the feature film circuit I started to think she was sort of whiny and flat. I know that sounds harsh and I’m going to get a lot of flack (at least from my roommate Richard) but her performances struck me as sort of saccharine. Recently, however, we’ve begun to reconnect. Starting with The Family Stone and now in Stardust, I’ve just been captivated by her ease and beauty.

Although the movie ventures strides away from Neil Gaiman’s novel, I never felt dissatisfied or disappointed. The story may be different but it’s just as compelling and well told. Stardust is an epic adventure that follows Tristan (Charlie Cox) as he journeys through the magical realm of Stormhold in search of a fallen star that he’s promised to the woman he loves, Victoria (Sienna Miller), in exchange for her hand in marriage. Once Tristan is out in the forest beyond his hometown of Wall, he finds Yvaine (Claire Danes), the star, and due to their mutual disdain, he’s forced to trap her into coming with him back to Wall. Unbeknownst to him, three sister witches are also aware of the fallen star. They’ve sent out Lamia (the amazing Michelle Pfeiffer) to bring back the star’s heart so that they may again be young and beautiful. At the same time, a group of princes are tearing through Stormhold, trying to kill each other while searching for their dead father’s ruby since the last prince standing will become king when he reaches it. These comical and sumptuous characters are all destined to meet at the axis of the story—the star. Although Yvaine is the point at which this magical world turns, she and Tristan spend much of the movie oblivious to their own importance.

The thing that makes an adventure truly great is more than just the journey; it’s the motley cast of characters that become your friends and enemies along the way. Robert DeNiro’s Captain Shakespeare is distinctive as a pirate torn between his pitiless reputation and his inner diva. He rescues Tristan and Yvaine and heralds them toward Wall. On the way he becomes their guardian and watches over them as they enjoy a short respite from the kill-or-be-killed adventure that they came from and are heading into. A favorite scene of mine takes place on Shakespeare’s boat as he teaches Yvaine to waltz on the ship’s deck. Tristan interrupts and the simple joy at watching the newness of falling in love, before the characters have even yet realized that it’s an option, is wonderful to witness. From the evil witches to the incompetent ones, the ghosts of the dead princes to the ruthless, living ones, the shallow Victoria and the gruff old wall guard of Wall, the characters are spellbinding. What more can you ask from a world full of magic?

Jeanne Lopez – The Cookie Monster

Photo Courtesy © Picturehouse Entertainment

La Vie en Rose

Directed by: Olivier Dahan

Written by: Olivier Dahan and Isabelle Sobelman

Starring: Marion Cotillard, Sylvie Testud, Pascal Greggory, Emmanuelle Seigner, Jean-Paul Rouve, Gérard Depardieu, Clotilde Courau, Jean-Pierre Martins, Catherine Allégret, Marc Barbé

Truth be told, I knew very little (if not nothing) about Edith Piaf before hearing about the biopic La Vie en Rose. Even after the film was released (we’re talking mid-June here in NYC), I still knew nothing about the singer. Call me an uncultured slob but my education on all things Piaf came, surprisingly enough, while watching Marion Cotillard’s performance as Piaf in Olivier Dahan’s jumpy, choppy flick.

Here’s the run down: Born to a street-singing mother and a circus contortionist father, Piaf was abandoned by both and left to be raised by her paternal grandmother, who happened to run a brothel. While in the care of (but not presumably because of) the prostitutes, she was struck with childhood blindness. Following a miraculous recovery, her father snatches her up again and puts her to work with him in the circus.

Fast forward to an abusive pimp who profited off her street singing in exchange for not making her work the streets the way he made his other girls do. Her big break comes when, while performing on the street to make money, a club owner hires her to sing in his café. Louis Leplee, the club owner played by Gerard Depardieu, ends up being killed (presumably by mob ties to Piaf’s pimp, who didn’t want to share her voice without a profit).

For a while her life is put on hold as she is suspected of being an accomplice in the crime. She gives birth to her only child, a girl named Marcelle, who dies in childhood of meningitis. But then a voice coach by the name of Raymond Asso snatches her up and teaches the 4-foot-8 sparrow (her nickname, “La Mome Piaf,” means “The Little Sparrow”) how to really sing.

She becomes a hit, both domestically and abroad. America, as it is depicted in the French film, is not too kind to Piaf at first. She meets the love of her life there though, a Moroccan-born French middleweight boxer named Marcel Cerdan. It so happens that Marcel is already married, but the two carry on their affair until a plane crash claims Cerdan’s life. Aggravating matters even more is the fact that Cerdan only boards the plane upon Piaf’s insistence that he fly out the same night so as to expedite their reunion.

Following his death, Edith becomes addicted to morphine and spends the rest of her life receiving a shocking 10 daily injections of the drug. Riddled with arthritis and the ravages of morphine addiction, Piaf’s body whittles down to near nothingness, rendering her diminutive, mid-forties body to that of a 90-year old’s. She dies at the age of 47, alone in her bed, trying to remember the good in her life.

I know all of this because after the film I made sure to scour the very reliable, organized and error-free pages of the Internet to make sure the facts check out. For the most part they do, which makes Edith Piaf’s life slightly more tragic than that of our counterpart troubled singer of yesteryear, Judy Garland.

When given such rich, complex and utterly depressing material to work with (you try losing your only love and performing on stage the same night!), it is admittedly difficult to craft a story equally profound and poignant. Biopics always carry with them the burden of not becoming saccharine and tawdry.

While Olivier Dahan’s attempt to tell the story of Piaf is not a complete failure, his decision to make the film a choppy, time-jumping mess results in the near inability to relate to Piaf, or to even feel for her. Dahan makes it clear early on that his story was going to begin at the end, then jump to the beginning, then climb to the middle, while interspersing moments of the beginning and the end throughout. Yes, it is as confusing as it sounds. Not because I couldn’t tell her age (makeup and wigs did just fine in illustrating the passing of time) but because the songs used didn’t particularly reflect the significance of the specified time frame.

The only thing carrying this movie, then, is Marion Cotillard’s remarkable, brilliant, praise-inducing, bow-down-before-her performance. Had it been any other actress the movie would have failed. But Cotillard doesn’t so much play Edith Piaf as much as she becomes Edith Piaf. (I say this because it’s true and because every other critic is echoing the same notion.) Watching the otherwise stunning 30-year old Cotillard be reduced to nothingness as she lays on a deathbed, eyes distant and hair frayed, is chilling and slightly unnerving in its near-perfectness. But Cotillard really shines when she takes to the mic, lip-synching to the famous Piaf songs. As she lip-synchs the film’s final song, “Non, je ne regrette rien,” every pause and every breath is pronounced and perfectly synched.

While she makes for a statuesque, beautiful Piaf circa the height of her fame, Cotillard’s true abilities as an actress lie in recreating the awkwardness of a doe-eyed street singer, as well as the immobilized, handicapped and morphine addicted elder. Cotillard herself has admitted in interviews that it wasn’t the notion of lip-synching or even taking on such a grandiose role that made her nervous: Playing the role of a woman from her teen years to her late forties was what terrified her most. She managed not to simply “pull it off,” but to carry an entire film on her shoulders and solicit more than a few tears from yours truly. It’s a remarkable experience, watching Cotillard, and to say she deserves the you-know-what is putting it lightly. I have since downloaded more Piaf songs than I know what to do with, and have brushed up on my Piaf history. Her life wasn’t always rosy, but her songs, and Cotillard, are.

Charlie Ortiz – Writer

Photo Courtesy © The Weinstein Company

The Nanny Diaries

Written and directed by: Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Nicholas Art, Donna Murphy, Alicia Keys, Laura Linney, Chris Evans, Paul Giamatti

As a passionate anthropology minor and saucy Jersey girl, Annie Braddock (Scarlett Johannson) finds her post-graduate life interviewing as a financial analyst candidate in New York City.  A red umbrella floats down her way just in time, offering an entertaining and educational summer study of human culture. While in Central Park contemplating bag lady status, Annie jumps to rescue a cute kid, Grayer (Nicholas Art) from a scooter-rider trample; his anxious and insistent mother, Mrs. X, (Laura Linney) immediately brings Annie to their Fifth Avenue apartment as a nanny and offers introduction to their world with little explanation. Time is ever-disappearing in this landscape and little is ever felt.

Swapping tales with fellow nannies, observing the clan of Mrs. Xs that shop and plan away with little joy and drawing out the connections that bind her to the wealthy family make the film precious in its honesty and simple energy. Johannson makes for a believable PB&J-jar-swirling-girl-next-door, friendly with soulful homegirl, Lynette (Alicia Keys) and fresh with studmuffin “Harvard Hottie” (Chris Evans). Linney shines in designer couture and conscientious yet fragile fervor, hosting every event (in the hopes of a much-needed connection) with cheating businessman of a husband, Mr. X, (Paul Giamatti). (Prepare to be disgusted by Giamatti, looking every bit the bloated bastard.)

Annie perseveres through the challenges of expectations coming from family, friends, and the couple commendably. Tender moments woven by Grayer and Annie, and at the conclusion of the film by Grayer and Mrs. X, are especially refreshing, whereupon Mrs. X realizes the messy, spontaneous everyday beauty and gifts of mothering. The anthropological theme running throughout is cute, the city shots and diversity charming, and the story (based on the novel of the same name), breezy and sweet for a light evening’s rental. Let’s just say that it parties at the bash The Devil Wears Prada throws.

Jehan@picturesandframesmagazine.com

Photo Courtesy © Miramax Films

Becoming Jane (or… Jane Austen in Love)

Directed by: Julian Jarrold

Written by: Kevin Hood and Sarah Williams

Starring: Anne Hathaway, James McAvoy, Julie Walters, James Cromwell, Maggie Smith and Joe Anderson 

I have to admit that the idea of Becoming Jane really bothered me. Having read all of Jane Austen’s novels, and even read a (admittedly brief) biography on her, I was outraged that this movie could be marketed as “the Jane Austen Story.” I didn’t remember anything about a vaguely Darcy-ish man in her life! Jane Austen died alone, the way I will! Plus, the trailers looked suspiciously like Pride and Prejudice redux. I was skeptical. Why can’t they just tell this story about someone named Ethel? Or Julianne?

Upon the film’s release, however, I wondered why I was so bothered. I mean, look at Shakespeare in Love. That had basically the same premise and I loved it. Was it because Jane was nearer to my heart than William? Nope. Later I realized that it had more to do with the way Shakespeare in Love had a whimsical “what if…?” sense to it, while Becoming Jane seemed to be a sort of “now, here is her story” film. I used the word “suppositions” a lot, only to read, red-faced, about letters sent to her sister that “loosely inspired” the movie. Bah, humbug! 

So you’re probably wondering why I watched it after all.

A) James McAvoy: I’ve loved him since the brilliant BBC series “State of Play,” which I’m sure you’ve read about elsewhere in last month’s Pictures and Frames.

B) Anne Hathaway: Its surprised the hell out of me, but I’ve found myself won over completely. She’s not just the Princess Diaries girl! She can actually act, and beautifully so.

C) I love costume dramas (never to be called “period pieces”). I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for them. Blame Merchant & Ivory. Blame Jane Austen herself. And that damn Emma Thompson.

D) Our lovely editor, Lily, spotted me for a pizza so I thought I’d treat her to a movie.

To begin with, we arrived slightly late. In fact, the first thing we saw upon entering the theatre was James Cromwell in bed with Julie (“Ron Weasley’s Mom”) Walters. When he crawled under the covers and headed south, it became quite clear that this ain’t your mother’s Jane Austen. Although I’m not sure that was exactly Jane Austen’s mother, either…

The movie itself was an enjoyable trifle. I loved the scenery and need to find some sort of British sugar daddy who will whisk me off to the English countryside (address all applications to: rick@picturesandframesmagazine.com) Overall, the movie just seemed predictable and familiar. I felt there was nothing that I hadn’t seen before. In fact, I thought I had seen it all quite recently. Two years ago. Only it starred that very pretty-but-boring movie star from Pirates of the Caribbean. No, not Orlando Bloom. The other one. In fact, the overwhelming thought I had once the film ended, was: Wouldn’t it have been great if Hathaway and McAvoy had been cast in that (unnecessary) remake of Pride and Prejudice? My God, it would have been fantastic. Because this version, as well-acted and pretty to look at as it is, just doesn’t live up to my beloved Jane.

Rick@picturesandframesmagazine.com

DVD'S:

P&F Presents: Movies that should be on DVD (or those which need better special features…)

By Lily Percy, David Sayre and Rick Sayre

If you’re a DVD collector or even simply an avid moviegoer, then you know just how much pleasure comes with owning your favorite flicks. That said, there are a surprising number of films—both new and old—that are still unavailable on DVD…and there are even more that come with absolutely no special features. Below you will find our list of movies, compiled by three P&F writers/movie addicts, that should be on DVD but aren’t, and the DVDs that left us wanting more…

LILY PERCY’S LIST:

1) Career Girls and pretty much every Mike Leigh film released in the U.S. with the exception of Criterion’s Naked: Last year, they finally began releasing the Mike Leigh collections (put out by Water Bearer Films, Inc., a company known mainly for releasing foreign gay films) here in the U.S. For many of us Leigh fans, this was our first chance to see his earlier films such as Abigail’s Party and Hard Labour…but what about classic films such as Life is Sweet, Meantime and even the more recent Topsy-Turvy and Vera Drake? Many of these films have been nominated for Oscars as well as received top honors at Cannes and yet none are available on DVD! The ones that are available, my beloved Career Girls and the terrific Secrets & Lies and All or Nothing, have absolutely nothing in the way of commentaries or any other kind of special features, which ultimately makes for a truly pathetic tribute to one of cinema’s great living auteurs.

2) Shallow Grave: Considering how popular and successful Danny Boyle is, and at the very least, how popular and successful Ewan McGregor is, you would think that the film that launched both their careers would have gotten a special collector’s edition by now but, alas, that is not the case. Give us a special edition MGM!

3) Little Children: Yet another bare bones DVD release truly unworthy of such a spectacular film. Apart from the hypnotic menu, this film has very little in the way of special features…I think it is a prime candidate for a Criterion edition in a few years.

4) The Fountain: As is this film—there hasn’t been a more Criterion-edition-worthy film in the past couple of years. Considering the fact that it took Aronofsky years to make this brilliant epic, and the current version of the film is just too damn short, I am fervently awaiting the release of a The Fountain: The Director’s Cut. All who are with me, let’s start a petition!

5) Oscar and Lucinda: One of my favorite Gillian Armstrong films, not to mention Ralph Fiennes and Cate Blanchett films, this adaptation of the popular Peter Carey novel really deserves a better DVD. It is that rare film—funny, intelligent and romantic, and has a cast that is truly to be admired.

6) American History X: When this film was released it brought with it a ton of controversy as director Tony Kaye and Ed Norton famously sparred on set over his vision for the film. Supposedly, Norton even ended up finishing the shoot himself and was responsible for its final cut. I would love to see a special edition of the film that allowed us to see both.

7) Jersey Girl: I’m probably the only person on the planet who would like to see this film get the full “View Askew Special Edition” touch but I’m putting it out there nonetheless. Yes, I really like the movie, way more than Clerks 2 I might add, but more than that I would just like to hear the kind of commentary track and see the kind of special features for it that Smith and Co. usually deliver.

8) The Mosquito Coast: This was one of our favorite family rentals growing up, and coincidentally features both River Phoenix and Harrison Ford, my childhood crushes. But the movie itself, directed by the incredible Peter Weir, is a remarkable one, with a story that is both unique and terrifying, and although I think it is probably pretty unlikely, a special edition featuring commentaries and behind-the-scenes footage would be well deserved.

9) “Ed”: I know that I am not the only one patiently awaiting the release of this NBC TV show on DVD—I know this because, dork that I am, I signed a petition along with thousands of others.  Starring Tom Cavanagh, Michael Ian Black, Justin Long (pre-Mac commercials) and Ginnifer Goodwin (pre-“Big Love”), this quirky “Northern Exposure”-esque show about a lawyer who works out of a bowling alley (hooray for Stuckeybowl!) won my heart over immediately with its fresh and hilarious storylines and endearing characters. I personally think that it would find a second-life on DVD.

10) The Dreamlife of Angels, Alice et Martin, The Girl on the Bridge, etc.: Ahh, the French. How I love their movies, and how difficult it is to get them on DVD here in the States. What does a girl have to do to get some love for Erick Zonca, André Téchiné and Patrice Leconte? Not to mention Élodie Bouchez, Juliette Binoche and Vanessa Paradis? I own these three films on tape but I no longer have a VCR! Keep me cultured, people of France!

11) “The Wonder Years”: WHY IS THIS NOT OUT ON DVD? The music. Fuckin’ bullshit music rights—sorry, I tend to lose my temper when I think about how ridiculous it is that one of the greatest TV shows EVER will probably never see the light of day on DVD because some execs can’t get their shit together to pay for music originally featured on the show. And they better—if this year’s much-maligned release of “WKRP in Cincinnati” is any indication of what can happen when execs tamper with the original music then maybe we’re better off taping the daily re-runs of our beloved “Wonder Years” via DVR.

12) “This Life”: Freshman year of college, DirecTV began offering BBCAmerica and I missed many a class staying home to watch this early-90s BBC soap opera. It centers on a group of 20-something barristers and their bed-hopping-snogging social lives. Whatever—it was set in London, starred the gorgeous Jack Davenport (of “Coupling” and Pirates of the Caribbean fame) and featured great Brit pop. Unfortunately, like many of its wonderful counterparts (i.e. “Spaced,” “Life on Mars,” “State of Play”) it is still currently only available in the U.K.

13) Yentl: This is probably one of my favorite Barbara Streisand films (and definitely one of the best that she directed) and if you know me, you understand why: she impersonates a male rabbinical student in order to study the Talmud and get closer to the man she loves. Could there ever be a better premise in the history of cinema? And yet this movie is currently unavailable on DVD… to which I say, “Barbara, can you hear me?”

14) John Candy Collection: Nearly all of John Candy’s movies are available on DVD (albeit with little or no special features) but the man, who was one of the greatest comedians of our time, deserves a collection! And a tribute documentary of sorts featuring insight on his life and career from his many co-stars and friends. I await the day when I can get The Great Outdoors, Uncle Buck, Delirious, Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Summer Rental all in one big ass collector’s box set.

DAVID SAYRE’S LIST:

1. Husbands – One of John Cassavetes’ most known works, and my personal favorite of his films. Ben Gazzara gives one of the greatest film performances I’ve ever seen. Of all the crucial Cassavetes pictures, this is the only one not currently available.

2. The List of Adrian Messenger – A classic John Huston film, starring Kirk Douglas and involving Frank Sinatra, Burt Lancaster, Robert Mitchum and others in disguised cameos. Also, a great mystery story with George C. Scott as the investigator. One of the all-time great black and white, fun movies.

3. Chimes at Midnight – Orson Welles’ exploration into Shakespeare’s Falstaff character. Adapting pieces of three of The Bard’s plays and connecting them with original material to tell an entire story of Falstaff, Welles himself has said this was his favorite of his own films. (Also, Welles’ imaginative 1948 adaptation of Macbeth is not currently available in the United States on DVD).

4. BBC – Okay, not the entire BBC. But “State of Play,” a brilliant political mystery starring Bill Nighy, is not available on region 1 DVD. For that matter, neither is Simon Pegg’s comedic genius in “Spaced.” And then for people like me, who openly admit to being a Ray Winstone bitch, the mini-series Tough Love and its spin-off Lenny Blue are not available. What’s the deal BBC America? Not all of us are that fascinated by “Footballer’s Wives” and “Hex.”

5. Hearts of Darkness – One of the greatest documentaries on filmmaking ever produced. The ultimate behind the scenes of one of the most fascinating films ever made, Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now.

6. City of Hope – Again, I’m using my status as a Pictures and Frames staff writer to push my personal taste agenda. But nearly every John Sayles movie is available on DVD, and I find it rather perplexing that such a well-made, socially relevant piece such as this doesn’t even have a basic release.

7. Bonnie & Clyde – Speaking of basic releases, one of the most historically significant movies in cinema and it falls under the sad category of DVD’s that list subtitles and scene selections as special features. Whoever it was at Warner Brothers that decided to shortchange this film should stop their car out in the countryside somewhere next to a bunch of bushes (ah, movie humor. To be expected from a film dork like me).

8. “Sports Night” – Stand up ye Sorkin fans and be recognized! Okay, so the whole series is on DVD—that’s great. But for a “Sports Night”/Aaron Sorkin addict, I want more! Commentaries, interviews, behind the scenes, ANYTHING! Just give me more “Sports Night” and I promise never to ask for anything ever again…. Well, not for a whole lot.

9. The Coen Brothers – Okay, so this one is kind of weird. Because it really only relates to some of the movies. But am I the only one who’s noticed that like half The Coen Brothers films have NO FEATURES? The Hudsucker Proxy and Raising Arizona are completely empty! Blood Simple, Barton Fink and Miller’s Crossing are hardly that interesting in their features. What about commentary? I think the only one that has commentary by the two brothers is The Man Who Wasn’t There.

10. Steven Spielberg – This last one is more of a request, regarding one of our finest living directors. And many of his films do have great features on their DVDs. But I do have one request for Mr. Spielberg, and I say this with all possible respect…. DO SOME FREAKIN’ COMMENTARIES!

RICK SAYRE’S LIST:

1. The African Queen: directed by John Huston. Starring Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn. One of the most acclaimed films ever, part of AFI’s top 100 films of all time… And you still can’t find it on DVD? Despicable!!

2. Miramax Classics: Miramax loves their acclaim and often adds montages of their finest moments to DVDs. So why is it that several titles released with the “Miramax Classics” banner are so crappy? Ewan McGregor, Michael Caine and Jane Horrocks in Little Voice. Toni Collette & Rachel Griffiths in their breakthrough hit Muriel’s Wedding. Gwyneth Paltrow in Doug McGrath’s wonderful Emma. All of these titles are bare-bone discs that you may as well own on VHS. I still do, because I’m anxiously awaiting the very necessary special editions these fine movies are worthy of.

3. Jane Campion: One can only hope that following Criterion’s release of her early films An Angel at My Table and Sweetie, we can soon see new releases of The Piano (a featureless disc is available, although there are special edition releases overseas) and Portrait of a Lady.

4. The Last Days of Disco: Previously available on DVD, movies like The Last Days of Disco and Portrait of a Lady disappeared from shelves with most of the PolyGram USA releases. Some, like The Big Lebowski and Elizabeth, have re-appeared courtesy of Universal, but no joy for Whit Stillman’s Disco. Optimists can always hope that it will get a Criterion release to follow up their edition of his Metropolitan.

5. “State of Play”: The most brilliant BBC series in recent memory isn’t available in the US, despite the fact that last year’s The State Within and Robin Hood appeared on DVD quite soon after their television debuts. Not to mention the god-awful supernatural series Hex. Bill Nighy, Kelly MacDonald and James MacAvoy all shine in this award-winning series, which also starred John Simm of Life on Mars. It remains the best thing I’ve seen on television aside from Six Feet Under. Perhaps with the rumored US feature version in the works (suppress gagging here), State of Play will get it’s due.

6. “Spaced”: The best sitcom ever originally appeared on England’s Channel 4. From the Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz team of Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg, co-starring and co-written by Juliet Stevenson, Spaced is the story of a pair of flat mates, their eccentric neighbors & friends (including Nick Frost) and a schnauzer named Colin. Post- Shaun, the show began to appear on BBC America, but you can’t enjoy it on DVD unless you’ve got a region-free player. How sad for you.

7. Akira Kurosawa’s Dreams: Oh, how this movie deserves to be remastered, gussied up and given the Criterion Collection treatment.

8. Golden Age of Hollywood: Finally, there’s probably a list as long as my arm of Golden Age of Hollywood movies I’d love to seen on DVD. Heading that list up would be the films of Norma Shearer, at one time Hollywood’s biggest star. Particularly the razor-sharp comedy, Private Lives. Throw in some random old Joan Crawford films (Johnny Guitar, Female on the Beach, Daisy Kenyon with Henry Fonda) and a much better version of Carole Lombard’s screwball classic Nothing Sacred and I’m good. The one company that doesn’t disappoint when it comes to old Hollywood is Warner Brothers, who’ve released fantastic editions of movies from Bette Davis weepers to all-time favorites to their kick-ass series of Film Noir Classic Collections. Kudos to Universal for their recent Legacy releases. Well done…. But I want more!

Hamlet: Two-Disc Special Edition

I believe that I’m required by law to begin the review of Hamlet by quoting the line, “The play is the thing.”  This is certainly the case with writer/director/actor Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 adaptation, which famously includes the complete text of Shakespeare’s play, resulting in 4 hours and 2 minutes of bonafide movie magic. Setting the story in Victorian times, in a Denmark brightened by crisp white snow, Branagh has created an epic motion picture that brings to mind David Lean’s magnificent Doctor Zhivago, and just like Zhivago, it even has Julie Christie and an intermission!

Fans have awaited the DVD release of Branagh’s Hamlet for quite a while, and Warner Brothers does not disappoint. Hamlet is spread out over two discs, accompanied by Branagh’s introduction, a commentary (in which he is joined by Russell Jackson, the Shakespeare scholar who has worked with Branagh on several of his adaptations) and a handful of featurettes. Feature-wise, my only bone to pick is that it might have been interesting to release a three-disc set that included the shortened version that played in some theatres when Hamlet was released. But once again, “the play is the thing,” and the prize here is the film itself, gloriously shot in 70 mm, beautiful to look at and bigger than life. There is a joy in simply watching the film that isn’t solely due to Alex Thomson’s gorgeous cinematography—it is the cinematography combined with the audacious design and the elegant staging that made me feel as though I was watching a graceful waltz.

Just as mesmerizing are the performances. From the amazing work of Derek Jacobi, Richard Briers, and the astounding Julie Christie, to the cameos of Jack Lemmon, Robin Williams and Judi Dench, everyone gets a chance to shine. In fact, I even found myself enjoying the performances of a couple of actors that I usually find to be…well, over-rated hams: Charlton Heston and Billy Crystal.

Two performances, I feel, deserve singling out here—that of Kate Winslet as Ophelia and Branagh himself as Hamlet. Winslet is breathtaking and manages to glue your eyes to the screen whenever she appears, in the last performance she gave before becoming a household name with Titanic. Although she had already proven her immense talents with Heavenly Creatures and Sense and Sensibility, Branagh’s commentary reveals that when he phoned her about playing Ophelia, it was the first time she had been offered a role without having to audition.

Which brings me to Branagh as Hamlet. His performance, from the genuinely frightening encounter with his father’s ghost to the faux-madness, the frenetic giddiness, the tragic sorrow, is mostly quite good and even hypnotic at times. However, there were a few moments (fleeting seconds, really, but moments nonetheless) when I thought he was going a touch overboard. This happened especially during his soliloquies, most specifically the last soliloquy before the intermission. But that’s not the biggest flaw in the film. Nor are the flashback Hamlet/Ophelia sex scenes. No, that would be Hamlet’s facial hair. The triangular soul-patch under his mouth? Very distracting. I kept thinking about how much time he must have spent keeping it so perfectly shaped.

When the film was released in 1996, Branagh had already become famous and well respected for his film adaptations of Shakespeare with 1989’s Henry V and 1992’s Much Ado About Nothing. Both films were wonderful, fresh versions of these classics and seemed pretty difficult to top. Branagh managed to top them both, however, and beautifully so—for my money, Hamlet is his crown jewel, a bright and shining classic.

Oh, yeah. The writing is pretty good, too.

Rick@picturesandframesmagazine.com

The Assassination of Richard Nixon

Directed by: Niels Mueller

Written by: Kevin Kennedy and Niels Mueller

Starring: Sean Penn, Naomi Watts, Don Cheadle, Jack Thompson, Brad William Henke, Nick Searcy and Michael Wincott.

“Samuel Joseph Byck (January 30, 1930 – February 22, 1974) was an unemployed former tire salesman who attempted to hijack a plane flying out of Baltimore-Washington International Airport on February 22, 1974. He intended to crash into the White House in hopes of killing U.S. President Richard M. Nixon. Byck first came to the notice of the Secret Service in 1972 when he threatened Nixon, whom he had resented ever since the Small Business Administration had turned him down for a loan. Byck had also sent bizarre tape recordings to various other public figures including Jonas Salk, Abraham Ribicoff and Leonard Bernstein, and tried to join the Black Panthers. However, the Secret Service considered Byck to be harmless, and no action was taken.” (According to the Samuel Byck page on Wikipedia).

In order to understand Samuel Joseph Byck and what he did, you must first try to understand how he got to that point. After all, this is the reason for the film—not to pay tribute to the man or to linger in the retelling of a failed assassination. More importantly, the film is insight into the life of a man who had had it with the system—one more forgotten citizen of a great nation.

I think everyone can relate to the circumstances that eventually drive Sam over the edge. This is why the film is so powerful (and the reason why you understand while not necessarily approve his actions)—a tragic story brought to life by the powerful performances of Sean Penn and its wonderful supporting cast. Naomi Watts plays Marie Andersen Bicke, Sam’s ex-wife and mother to four of his children. It’s their separation that causes the greatest strain on Sam’s psyche. Don Cheadle plays Bonny Simmons, the only person that still believed in Sam and pays the price for it. Sam uses Bonny Simmons’s gun to take the plane hostage and it’s the rejection of funds for their startup company by the Small Business Administration that causes Sam to finally loose it.

Even thought Sam Byck was an emotionally troubled individual, his life proved a very important point. You can’t expect to keep crapping on people and hope that they will just take it simply because you think that they are afraid to speak up. The movie is full of memorable quotes but my favorite by far is “Slavery never really ended in this country. It just gave it another name. Employee.” In a way Sam’s story is as relevant today as it was back in the 70s (which is probably one of the reasons why Penn took on the role), but we can only hope that Mr. Bush and his cronies don’t inspire a million Sam Joseph Bycks.

Juanmarcos@picturesandframesmagazine.com

The Messengers

We should note that it was originally our intention to record a podcast of our review for The Messengers. But then we heard what we sounded like.

Jeanne: We are watching The Messengers... Please edit this so I sound witty and my voice doesn't sound retarded.

Richard: I want the robot voice. (Doing a pretty strange "robot" impersonation) I am sitting really close to Jeanne.

Jeanne: He is.

Chris: Was that a... Jamaican robot?

Richard: (Sheepishly) Yes, mon. Hey, we're watching The Messengers! It stars the little girl from Panic Room. She's all grown up now. I dunno if she's legal, though.

Chris: She's from Zathuuura.

Jeanne: Zaaathura.

Richard: Zathurrraaa! John Favreau's Zathhhuuuurrraaaa!

Jeanne: That was John Favreau?

Richard: That was Johnny Favs, as my brother calls him. I wonder if he did The Last Mimzy as well.

Chris: No, the former head of Sony or something did that. Someone who had no business--

Richard: The former head of New Line.

Jeanne: Can I share the blanket with you?

Richard: I don't know; you get really hanky-panky.

Jeanne: Your dad gets really hanky-panky--with Lily!

Richard: (Laughing) That's actually true.

Jeanne: That's why it's funny. It's funny 'cuz it's true.

Richard: Do you want some candy, little girl?

The movie starts out with some sort of blurry, jittery flashback. A family is being murdered by the camera. Or a ghost. I don't know. I don't write this stuff, I just watch it.

Chris: I think that's the kid from the trailer. Like, the monster kid.

Richard: That's the kid from the trailer for the movie? How weird that he's actually in the movie.

Chris: No, I mean. The ghost child. In the trailer.

Jeanne: Are you sure you're not thinking of The Grudge?

Chris: By the way, Richard, those dreams you've been having where you're eating buttons? Today, we passed a store just with buttons. A button store.

Richard: It's a nightmare.

Chris: It's like a buffet for you.

Everyone ends up dying at the hands of the cameraman/wandering ghost monster. Maybe it's Jason from Friday the 13th.

Richard: I really liked the style of that opening sequence, by the way.

Jeanne: It was cool.

Chris: Yeah, I doubt you'll like the rest of the movie.

Richard: You know what? I don't know. Because the Pang brothers did it, man.

Chris: I think this has...

Richard: Dylan McDermott?

Chris: ...Yeah. But, when I rented it from Netflix, it had like a 1.5 star rating.

Richard: Your mom had a 1.5 star wating.

Jeanne: Wating?

Richard: Oh god, it has Penewope Ann Miwwer. Hey, it's got John Corbett.

Chris: (Proudly) He's from West Virginia.

Richard: He played Aidan! He was my favorite of the Carrie boyfriends on “Sex and the City.”

Jeanne: It wasn't hard to be the favorite. It was like him, Mr. Big, there was a guy who ate out a bunch of people but I don't know if he counts as a boyfriend--

Richard: Ron Livingston!

Jeanne: …there was Ron Livingston for like ten seconds...

Chris: Okay, I have to stop you guys right now or else this whole review is going to be “Sex and the City.”

Richard: I can't wait for the “Sex and the City” movie to come out!

Jeanne: I think it's gonna suck. They're like 50. It's too late.

Chris: Is it going to be about abortion?

Jeanne: I don't even think they can conceive anymore. It's gonna be about menopause.

After the opening credits a family greets us... Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, the girl from Zathuraaaa!, and some eerie little boy. It appears as though they've just bought the ugliest farmhouse in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Nobody looks very excited about this. We sure don't.

Richard: I really don't like Penelope Ann Miller.

Chris: I don't like that kid!

Jeanne: It's okay. He's a child actor. He'll never be in another film again.

Chris: (Pouting) That's what you said about Dakota Fanning.

Jeanne: Well, she hasn't really been in much, except that movie where she got raped.

They did what to Charlotte's Web?! "Some Pig" indeed!

Anyway, the girl from Panic Room is going through boxes as the family unpacks their things. It looks like they're moving into the Bates Motel, maybe.

Chris: Man, she was an ugly duckling.

Richard: What?

Chris: She went from Panic Room... looking kinda like a boy... just, she's kinda... hot.

Jeanne: She was like ten in Panic Room.

Richard: So now they're in a house that they just purchased in the middle of nowhere because they wanted to get away from cell phones and crazy things like that. Technology.

Chris: And they're cheap.

Richard: It also happens to be the same house a whole family was murdered in, apparently.

Dylan McDermott tests a water pump outside, splashing Penelope Ann Miller in the process: "Hey, it works." "Yeah, I'm impressed."

Richard: That's what she said!

We see more of the place, which has a rusty tractor and barn and everything.

Jeanne: Why would they buy a farm?

Richard: Didn't you pay attention when they were like, "Out here, people talk to each other regularly, they don't have to use those things," which is like, using your cell phone.

Chris: I don't think that means they moved to be hermits.

Richard: I think they're afraid of technology.

Chris: What, they saw Pulse?

No one saw Pulse.

Oh wait, we saw Pulse…

Panic Room hottie is checking the place out. She tries a door and finds it locked, but doesn't appear too bothered by that and continues her tour until she's startled by a noise when a raven flies away from a window she's near. I wonder what that looked like in the script.

Richard: A bird flew away from the window!

Jeanne: But eerily.

Chris: This is some scary stuff.

Jeanne: Unlike any living bird would have.

Chris: Wait, it's coming back.

Sure enough, it flies smack into the window just a second later.

Jeanne: That bird hates that window. That window killed its mom.

Panic Room girl comes in closer to investigate the 7 lb crow that apparently wants to assault the window. We see a close-up of her face, then a close-up of the window again...

Jeanne: It drew itself?!

Richard: It drew itself in the dust on the windowpane.

Jeanne: There's a tiny, tiny, little drawing of a bird on the window.

Chris: That's one smart, uh ...dexterous bird.

Dylan McDermott comes in and asks her what she thinks of the charnel house they're now doomed to live in.

Richard: I think it's creepy, dad!

She says "neat."

Chris: I'm just saying! In Harry Potter... y'know, you knew what he would look like now. This girl looked like a boy!

Richard: Oh Jesus.

Chris: I'm sorry!

Richard: It's okay. It's just, first you have a thing for the girl in The Quiet and When A Stranger Calls, and now her.

Chris: I don't have a thing for her. I'm just saying it's kind of weird, 'cuz she was an ugly little kid.

Richard: I didn't think she was ugly! I thought she was cute!

Chris: But you're gay. That's my point.

Jeanne: Aww.

Richard: That has really upsetting implications.

Jeanne: Lily's the pedophile, not Richard.

Richard: This is the worst podcast ever.

No, that would have been our first and only attempt at a podcast. Which is why you’re reading this now. Ooh snap!

Chris: She looked like a boy!

Jeanne: I apologize to our fans. Who never write us anyway. (Bastards.)

Richard steers the conversation away from Panic Room girl's odd transformation the only way he knows how...

Richard: My favorite Penelope Ann Miller moment was in Adventures in Babysitting when she thinks she sees a cat because she's not wearing her glasses and it's a rat.

Chris: That was her? For some reason, I thought that was Martha Plimpton.

There's a montage of them unpacking some more, fixing up the house, getting the tractor to work. This is going to be the best haunted farm ever, goddammit! We see a shot of the window where that crazy, artistic raven was hanging out. There's a new drawing there!

Chris: Holy crap, the bird drew a little her next to him.

Richard: A little her. Heh.

Meanwhile, Panic Room girl is exploring the basement or the barn or something. There are a lot of sharp objects just hanging from the ceiling, waiting to fall on her. She is careless and clearly doesn't realize she's inside a horror movie.

Richard: Don't stick your finger in there!

Jeanne and Chris: That's what she said?

Richard: Look at all the different things that are going to kill you!

Outside, Cancer Man from the X-Files pulls up in the driveway to greet Dylan McDermott.

Jeanne: Oh, it's never good when the Cigarette Smoking Man shows up.

Chris: Maybe he's investigating an X-file.

Jeanne: That'd be pretty funny, if at the end Mulder and Scully came and they were like, "We're too late."

Cancer Man wants to buy the house for some reason, but Dylan McDermott believes that this move to the middle of nowhere, to a creepy, dirty, haunted house will heal whatever wounds his family bears. He's not budging. Dylan McDermott puts an actual shirt on to appear more business-like, I guess.

Richard: Don't cover it up! If you got it, flaunt it!

So, I guess the premise here is that the little boy, who is either creepy because he's a mute or became a mute because he was creepy, can see the ghosts of the murdered family, but nobody else can. It's kind of like when your cat stares at a wall for no apparent reason all of a sudden. Weird.

Penelope Ann Miller is making one of the beds and the little creep-o boy is watching. As she lays the sheets down, we catch a glimpse of disembodied legs underneath them. You probably saw this in the trailer. This is about the only cool part in the movie.

Jeanne: That freaks me out worse than thinking that there are moths in our bed.

Richard: That's why I don't make my bed.

Chris: I'm glad he doesn't seem too fazed by it. Babies usually cry about anything. He looks kinda pleased.

Richard: I kind of like the house, though.

Jeanne: It's a little creepy.

Richard: As long as I don't see the bloody feet underneath the sheets, I'm good.

Chris: It's like something out of Lemony Snicket. You don't want to live there, Richard.

Over the next few scenes, the baby grows more and more deranged, reacting to invisible beings and playing with them. The parents, who moved to the middle of nowhere to be closer to their kids? Oblivious to this. Nice going.

Things are not well between Panic Room girl and Penelope Ann Miller. We wonder if she's her real mom or not. Dylan McDermott takes her with him into town to the local feed store, which is surprisingly not filled with stereotypical hillbillies playing the banjo and spitting tobacco. No, these aren't your Cabin Fever rednecks. Turns out, Dylan McDermott is starting a sunflower farm. I hope ghosts hate sunflowers!

Jeanne: Isn't it cheating to plant sunflowers as your crop? They're weeds.

Back at the house, Baby Weirdo is eating breakfast, or more appropriately, staring vacantly into his spoon.

Richard: What do you see in the reflection? You see yourself, don't you? Oh, what's that back there?

It's one of those soulless-eyed albino ghost children that you see in every goddamn Asian horror film and subsequent remake. Except this one's crawling on the ceiling like a spider and making crunching sounds as he moves. I guess that's supposed to separate him from the crowd of other pale little Asian hermaphroditic children.

Richard: Hi!

Chris: It's a little bit unsettling, sure, but it's not really scary.

Jeanne: But where's it leading him?

Baby Creep-o has gotten up from his meal and decided to follow the disgusting monster down the hallway of his new haunted house. Why not? What could possibly go wrong?

Chris: Hopefully somewhere scary or I want my money back.

The ghost leads him to a creepy doorway, where one of the family members from the beginning of the film was dragged through and presumably murdered. There are even nail-marks on the floor! Didn't they notice these kinds of details when they were buying the place?

Chris: I like his look of bewilderment.

Richard: Dakota Fanning better watch her back 'cuz this kid is coming up!

Penelope Ann Miller suddenly appears and the ghost takes off. She asks him what he was looking at.

Richard: The... doorknob? Has no one checked out that room? How long do you live in a house before you're like, "Oh, you know what, honey? We've never gone into that room on the first floor!”

While Dylan McDermott is in the feed store, Panic Room girl wanders over to a nearby basketball court to ogle the teenage athletes there. They aren't particularly handsome.

Chris: She's been there a day and she's already looking for a hook-up.

Richard: Yeeeeaaah!

Jeanne: That's what happens when you suddenly go from ugly to pretty. You become a big ho.

Richard: She should definitely go for a cuter guy.

She meets Bobby, a local All-American boy. She asks him what they do for fun around town, but in a way that implies she wants the answer to be sexual. Or I could be reading into things.

Chris: We play basketball--duhhhhhh!!

Richard: Tip cows.

Jeanne: Oxycontin.

Chris: Make meth.

Dylan McDermott pulls up and spoils her possibility of gettin' any today. Cockblocked by dad! He probably has three tons of sunflower seed in the back of his SUV.

Jeanne: I'm bored.

Back home, Cancer Man shows up again to buy the house. Jeanne brings up the fact that it would have probably been pretty easy to scoop up immediately after the previous family was slaughtered.

Panic Room girl is fiddling with the door that's never been opened.

Richard: "Mom, how come this door doesn't open?" "Oh, I don't know, I've never noticed that room before!"

Jeanne: Freaky, the door opened! It opened itself!

Richard: Ohhh, it's not just a room, it's the basement. It’s the cellar door!

Richard starts to say “cellar door” over and over again.

Chris: It’s the most beautiful phrase in the English language.

Richard: I’m gonna name my firstborn that. “Cellar Door, come here! Cellar Door? Cellar Door, wash your hands for dinner!”

Chris: “Cellar Door, don’t put your mouth on that!”

Richard: Ewww.

Outside, birds have taken advantage of the fact that Dylan McDermott left the car's back door open and are totally tearing into the sunflower seed.

Richard: You kill those birds, Dylan McDermott! They're out to get you.

Jeanne: He probably shouldn’t have left that open.

Richard: Throw rocks at the birds!

Chris: Seriously, bags of sunflower seeds are like 60 cents down at Walgreens.

In the cellar, Panic Room girl spots something shiny beneath the floorboards.

Richard: Jewelry! Girls like jewelry. They will pull up wooden floors for jewelry.

Note: At this point, both Jeanne and Chris have attempted to finish up this review and given up. This also explains why there was no Brooklyn Gang feature in last month’s issue. It’s bad enough that we had to watch The Messengers to begin with, but to relive it? Horrible. We want a raise. I shall try to carry on, remaining faithful to their style. I shall also make sure to keep in all of my funniest bits. –Richard.

Right, so at this point after Panic Room girl finds another bird in the basement, this one dead, a mysterious stranger shows up to shoot all of the birds attacking the sunflower seed. Only he’s Aidan from “Sex and the City”!! This causes a tremendous gasp of pure unadulterated lust from Richard, who is finding that his Aidan crush combined with his white trash fetish is being completely satisfied.

Jeanne: Dude, Aidan’s a hick!

Chris: He’s from West Virginia, I told you.

Richard: He has a country album.

Jeanne: You think he looks hot?? You want a mustache ride?

Chris: They’ve just invited the stranger with the gun into their home…

Richard: Because they recognized him from television’s “Northern Exposure.”

We see a montage of time passing and along with Aidan (and more than a little help from the man upstairs), the field of sunflowers is eventually in full bloom. Dylan McDermott should have stuck to being a lawyer in Boston, though, because he cuts his hand on the old rusty tractor. P.A.M. decides that he needs stitches, but won’t let Panic Room girl drive him because she has… dun dun dunnnn--A suspended license!! Do you SEE what happens when our young girls look up to people like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? P.A.M. takes Dylan, leaving the kids home alone. With creepy/hot Aidan out workin’ the fields. You can bet it isn’t long before Panic Room girl starts to hear strange noises. The ghosts of the dead family show up and start breaking things! She dials 911!

“911 what’s your emergency?”

Jeanne: DEMONS!

At this point Panic Room girl remembers that she has a brother and sees him following a toy tractor into the cellar. When she follows, scary ghosts attack her from all sides! She manages to escape and then tosses the kid out the window to Aidan, who’s all “what’s happening with you??” When she looks back inside, all is well.

Jeanne: The house looks fine.

Rick: I’m having a ‘sode!!

Chris: It’s that time in ‘Nam…

P.A.M. and Dylan come home and are all, “our baby! Is the baby okay??” Awww… sucks not to be the favorite, but at least in Panic Room you were an only child. She tries very hard to convince her parents that she’s not insane and that they should move back to Chicago or wherever. They’re like, “Nah. This is home now. Get used to it, crazy.” Little brother starts to make faces at the ghosts only he can see. We tell Jeanne that this is what it looks like sometimes when she’s at war with the moths that have invaded her room.

Jeanne: We have a moth problem. Anyone with suggestions please e-mail us at… Richard?

Richard: brooklyngang@picturesandframesmagazine.com!

Jeanne: Or if you just want to tell us how much you love us. Or win a free iPhone! That’s a lie. You won’t win shit. But--

Richard: Give us some free iPhones! …although I think last month we also said that we wanted iPhones. I don’t think that we have any rich fans. Actually we don’t have any fans! Nobody reads our stuff.

Jeanne: Maybe Lily lies. Like, the Website isn’t actually live.

Richard: Her plan’s like, “It’ll keep them occupied and let me spend more time worshipping John Mayer’s pubic hair that I bought on eBay. For $300.”

Jeanne: Aww…. That’s… disgusting.

Chris: Why is it $300?

Richard: That kid has one fucked up eye and it keeps like, switching.

Chris: Pubic hair’s normally $10. If you buy it from Scott Tenormen

Jeanne: What?

I know!! How could she forget such an awesome episode of ‘South Park”??

Richard: I wonder if it’s twins.

Richard & Jeanne: He has a weird finger!!

Richard: This kid could play the next Golem.

Jeanne: Aw, Richard…

Richard: He could play a house elf.

Jeanne: He could play a house elf!

Chris: Aw, that’s not nice.

Richard: Is that not nice, Chris? Am I being mean to the kid? Chris loves children.

Chris: I said I didn’t like him first. But a house elf?

Okay, honestly it has been more than a month since we watched this, so I’m not clear what happens next. I think this is when Panic Room girl decides to get to the bottom of the situation by following her brother around in the hopes that he’ll have some ghostly interaction. Scary sound cues occur. Then I says… I says…

Richard: Ohh! Someone with long ringlets of hair just walked past!

Chris: Minnie Driver’s hanging out at the house. Or the ghost of Minnie Driver.

Richard: Minnie Driver’s career.

Chris: Oh, she’s on “The Riches” and that’s a good show.

Richard: She has a brand new CD out, singin’ the folk music!!

More scary sound cues. We throw out theories about who the mysterious ghost is. We wonder if it’s maybe just the mom. So imagine at least five instances of all three of us saying “your mom.”

Richard: It’s really lasting for a long time (the suspense, I guess?). I’m getting chills up the side- up the back- up the-

Jeanne: Up the butt? Is that where you’re going with this?

Richard: I’m getting chills up the butt, I’m so scared!

Jeanne: Ohhh!! That’s not the mom!!

Chris: Maybe it’s Penelope Ann Miller without makeup!

Jeanne: Is she gonna eat the baby?

Richard: I like the fact that she’s using her baby brother as bait.

Chris: I think she’s using him more like a compass.

Panic Room girl has a conversation with Aidan, who asks if she really saw something. In the lull, I make a Bridget Jones reference. Because that’s the way I roll.

Richard: I seriously think that he should reconsider the length of his sideburns.

Jeanne: That was a Bridget Jones reference, everybody. Hey, I think you can see the ass crack of your hot chick there.

Richard: Should we go back, Chris, so you can see the ass crack?

Panic Room girl goes back to that non-cute boy she met and asks him if he had ever heard anything weird about her house. You know, stuff like people pulling you into the basement, the banister breaking, birds attacking, or “Northern Exposure’s John Corbett exposing himself. The usual. Of course it turns out that it’s the house kids used to dare each other to sneak into.

Jeanne: (wondering if the parents should be more concerned) She’s gonna get killed and they’ll be like, “Oh she must’ve just run away.”

Richard: “Our drunk and crazy daughter!”

Jeanne: “I blame Nicole Richie!”

Panic Room girl returns to the cellar, which starts to fill up with filth, shortly before ghosts attack her!

Jeanne: Their cellar’s full of poo. (pause) Badly CGI-ed poo.

Richard: That was badly done. Badly done.

Jeanne: How could anything bad happen in a place surrounded by sunflowers?

Chris: So who are The Messengers? The birds?

Jeanne: Your mom.

Chris: The ghosts? Are there messengers? Will we ever find out?

Jeanne: Maybe, at the end, the FedEx guy comes but they’re all dead so he doesn’t get to deliver the package.

We start to wonder again where the parents are when their children are clearly going batshit crazy.

Chris: Where are her parents? They left her with the… hobo they found, shooting a gun.

Jeanne: It is pretty funny that they’ve known the guy for three days and they’re like, “Can you take care of our young, budding, beautiful daughter?”

Richard: “Young, budding, beautiful daughter…”

Chris and Richard start laughing.

Jeanne: What? What, she’s budding…

Dylan and Aidan have a scene in the sunflower field. Not as romantic as you’d imagine.

Chris: Wait, so he bought like 7,000 sunflower seeds to plant sunflowers to harvest sunflower seeds??... No wonder these peoples- Gonna. Get their daughter-

Richard: “These peoples gonna get their daughter killed? Issa people gonna get their daughter killed?”

Jeanne: Jar Jar?

Panic Room girl goes into the barn to see if there are ghosts there as well. She’s not too bright. Then, there’s a naked ghost crawling on the floor of the barn.

Richard: There’s a naked ghost crawling on the floor of the barn!

Jeanne: I feel like I’ve seen that kinda ghost in something before. Like that twitchy movement.

Chris: The Grudge?

Richard: Was it in our bathroom?

Jeanne: It was in our bathroom.

There’s a suspicious shape on the ground, covered up somehow. Of course our girl goes to uncover it.

Chris: Oh, don’t do that. Don’t uncover the lumpy human-shaped bundle.

Jeanne: It’s not gonna be the ghost. But the ghost will then spring up from somewhere else.

Richard: Oh my god it’s sunflower seeds!

Jeanne: “But are they the ones we bought or the ones that we grew? They all look so similar…”

Yeah, that was a psyche-out. However, she spots a strange person crouched in the dark corner!

Richard: Okay, that’s when you’re like, “Dad? Someone’s in the fetal position in the corner of the barn!”

Chris: It would be gone by then.

Richard: He’s like, “Yeah, it’s your mom. I gave her a beating this morning. Guess she still hasn’t recovered!”

Jeanne: Wow.

Did I mention that Richard really dislikes Penelope Ann Miller? Anyway, Panic Room girlie gets hurt and has to be taken to the hospital. She’s all lacerated and stuff. The doctor suspects her of being a cutter. P.A.M. is like, “Yeah she’s fucked up alright.”

Chris: That’s not a laceration.

Jeanne: No, that’s obviously a handprint.

Chris: That nurse sucks! Or the doctor, whoever it was. Never go to North Dakota for medical purposes. That’s what this movie has given me—that knowledge.

Panic Room girl tries once again to convince her parents to ditch Dakota for Chicago. They’re like, “No. Enough!! You’re a cutter!!” During this scene Richard admits to being a self-harmer AND having seen Cold Creek Manor, which also featured Kristen Stewart. At home, alone, Dylan and P.A.M. argue about the fact that he totally could have sold the crazy house TWICE to Cancer man. When they go to check on their daughter, her window is open. She totally snuck out! Aidan is lingering outside (why?) and asks Dylan if anything’s the matter. Dylan says, “No matter what I do, I can’t keep this family together.”

Richard: Good answer! Why didn’t you just say, “Have you seen my daughter?” Stupid!

Jeanne: “She’s hiding in my pants!”

She’s not. She’s gone to the non-cute boy, and asked him to drive her to the feed store.

Richard: “I think they sold us haunted feed!”

Chris: Haunted sunflower seeds!

She tells the boy that she suspects foul play occurred with the last family who lived in their house. No shit. She also tells him that six months ago, she drove drunk with her little brother in the car and got into a wreck. He’s gone all-catatonic and hasn’t talked since then. But worse—her license was SUSPENDED!! Back at home, P.A.M. is trying to make the kid talk, but he just points at the barn, being circled by birds. Aidan gets chased by them. Birds hate “Northern Exposure.” Aidan appears to be down for the count. But appearances are deceiving! Because he shows up later to scare the crap out of P.A.M. back at the farm.

Richard: Even dirty and sweaty and bloody? Still hot.

Of course back at the feed store, Panic Room girl sees what she was looking for. A picture of Aidan with his family—the ghosts! Aidan killed his family… and then… forgot? That he did? And… Okay this movie sucks. Somehow, at the farm, Aidan manages to stab Dylan McDermott and corner P.A.M. and son in the cellar. (Great place to hide, P.A.M. or haven’t you been paying attention?) Panic Room girl gets home in time to save the day (after her mom says “Ok, you’re not crazy, I see what you see now!”) even though we can’t understand why she needs to find a way out when there is a very obvious exit behind them THE ENTIRE TIME! The ghosts suck Aidan up into the quicksandy floor.

Jeanne: You’d think the ghosts would be more pro-active.

Richard: They made the floor turn into fucking quicksand!!

In the end, the cops arrive. Why?

Richard: “Uh, yes, officer, that’s right, the floor swallowed him up? It’s like it became quicksand…” “So there was no one except for this person who got swallowed up by the floor around when your husband got stabbed?” “Yes, that’s right.” “Ma’am, can you come with me?”

Chris: I hope he sells the house now.

Oh, Chris, you beautiful dreamer. No. They end up staying on the sunflower farm in North Dakota where Aidan could probably rise from the dead at any time. Super smart.

Jeanne: That sucked.

Richard: I still liked it better than Crash. I didn’t hate it.

Chris: I didn’t like it.

Richard: That was a really short movie, ya’ll.

Chris: It felt long to me.

That’s what she said, Chris. That’s what she said.

The Saturday Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:

Jeanne Lopez, Cookie Monster

Rick Sayre, Pop-Culture Critic

Christopher Wilson, Vampire Hunter.

BrooklynGang@picturesandframesmagazine.com

MUSIC:

Luvanmusiq – Musiq Soulchild

After being out of the spotlight for a little over three years and changing record labels (Def Soul to Atlantic), Musiq Soulchild is back with his fourth album Luvanmusiq. Luvanmusiq picks up right where 2003’s Soulstar left off with ease. Judging from the response it has received thus far, it’s a welcomed return for Soulchild.

With every Musiq Soulchild release, you can expect great production, solid songwriting, and soulful vocals. This album is no different. Luvanmusiq features longtime producers Carvin “Ransum” Haggins & Ivan “Orthodox” Barias, along with Raphael Saadiq, The Underdogs, Baby Dubb, Neff U, Lab Rats, Sauce, and Soulchild himself. Soulchild and company have assembled a consistent set of 12 ballads and up-tempo tracks.

Luvanmusiq showcases his unique mix of hip-hop, funk and soul and his ability to be both classic and contemporary. Soulchild is at his funkiest on the infectious, friends-with-benefits jam “B.U.D.D.Y.,” on the Stevie Wonder-esque “Ms. Philadelphia,” on the brassy, harmonious “Ridiculous,” and on the brazen “Make You Happy.”

Though Soulchild can get down with the best of them, he shines the most when singing ballads. His heartfelt ballads express a sincerity, passion, and tenderness that are missing from much of today’s R&B/Soul music. He ponders settling for less and finding a love that is right for him on “The Questions.” He respects his woman’s decision of not wanting to go all the way on “Take You There.” He asks his woman to show him how to love her better on “Teach Me.” The joys of love make him want to be “A Better Man.” And he expresses his devotion and commitment on “Today” and on what is easily the best song on the album, “The Greatest Love.”

At just under 50 minutes, Luvanmusiq seems to breeze by too quickly, however. Though its brevity may take listeners aback, they will praise Luvanmusiq for its consistency and Soulchild’s penchant for substance over style. This is another stellar turn for Soulchild and one of this year’s best R&B/Soul releases.

Markell Williams - Music Critic

Because I Love It – Amerie

Go back to 2005 and it seems like Amerie was all over the place with the monster hit “1 Thing” and her sophomore album Touch. People were hooked by her aggressive sound, distinctive voice, and alluring image. After some time out of the spotlight and releasing a few mixtapes, Amerie is back with her junior effort, Because I Love It.

Because I Love It features 13 tracks, many of which Amerie wrote and arranged. She also shares production efforts with Brian Michael Cox, Cee-Lo Green, Bink!, Chris & Drop, One Up, Len Nicholson, The Buchanans, Mike Caren, and Curtis “C Note” Richardson. One name that is missing from this list is longtime collaborator Rich Harrison (“1 Thing,” Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love,” and Destiny’s Child’s “Soldier”) but here’s no need to sound the alarms. The production team does a commendable job of pushing limits while maintaining the integrity of the signature sound that she and Harrison have created. This is quite evident on tracks like the hypnotic “Hate 2 Love U,” the true-to-life, infectious “Gotta Work” (which wonderfully uses a sample of Sam & Dave’s “Hold On I’m Coming”), and the funky, Curtis Mayfield-inspired “Make Me Believe.”

Amerie channels her love of 80’s Hip-Hop, R&B, and Dance music on several tracks. On “Some Like It” Amerie easily goes from sassy to naughty on her updated take of “World Famous,” a 1983 hit for Malcolm McLaren. Amerie is sweet on “Crush” and delivers an understated, sexy vocal performance on the synth and bass fueled “Crazy Wonderful” and the smooth “That’s What U R.” And she gets naughty again with background vocal help of co-writer Cee-Lo on “Take Control,” a sparsely arranged song that effectively employs a sample of Brazilian composer Tom Zé’s “Jimmy, Renda-se.”

Any doubts concerning Amerie’s vocal ability will be cast aside after listening to this record. There's a passion, confidence, and power in her vocals that was not as prevalent in earlier releases. She really gets into her songs and tries to bring out as much feeling from the lyric as possible. This couldn’t be truer on songs like the mid-tempo, take-me-as-I-am declaration “Paint Me Over” and ballads like “When Loving You Was Easy” and the inspirational “All Roads.”

If there’s any downfall with this release, it’s that it may get a little too sweet (“Crush” and “Crazy Wonderful”) or too slow (“All Roads” and “Somebody Up There”) for some. Those more into her up-tempo and mid-tempo songs may enjoy the first seven or eight tracks more than those remaining.

Amerie doesn’t follow formulas on Because I Love It. Instead of going with what’s popular, she made an album of songs that experiment with different styles of music and vocal textures. After listening to the first few tracks, you get the feeling that this is the album that she wanted to make. It’s another solid effort for Amerie. There are a few concerns regarding this release’s exposure and accessibility, though. Very little promotion has been done. With several contenders for singles, the airwaves should be blazing with Amerie’s music but as we went to press, the album was only available in the US as an import. With a growing following here in the U.S., there’s no excuse—unless she’s experiencing the Kelis syndrome…. Being on a label that has no idea what to do with you and your releases failing to catch on in your native land while excelling overseas. It would be a shame to see this album fail. It’s one of this year’s most promising contemporary R&B releases…For Amerie’s Love is one that should be heard and shared, not shelved.

Markell Williams - Music Critic

I Am – Chrisette Michele

You may not be familiar with the name Chrisette Michele, but you may be familiar with the voice. She’s been featured on Jay-Z’s “Lost One” from his Kingdom Come album and on Nas’s “Can’t Forget About You,” “Still Dreaming,” and “Hope” from his Hip Hop Is Dead album. With the release of her debut album, I Am, Chrisette Michele is bound to make her name (and her voice) one that you’ll never forget.

I Am is a beautiful 13-track opus that (re)introduces Michele as a phenomenal singer and songwriter. This versatile set features production work by Babyface, Will.I.Am, Salaam Remi, John Legend, Mo Jaz, Kevin Wooten, GI Joe, and David Stewart & Kevin Randolph. The album is composed mostly of ballads and mid-tempo numbers. There’s the sparse, piano and vocal driven “Love Is You,” the lush, vocally understated “Your Joy,” and the aggressive, Blues-meets-Hip-Hop/Soul approach of “Good Girl.” There’s also the elegant, jazzy, bossa-nova flair of “Best of Me,” the soulful yearning of “If I Have My Way,” and the passionate, gospel influenced “Is This The Way Love Feels.” Though much of the music and subject matter is for a mature adult contemporary audience, Michele lets her hair down on “Good Girl,” “Be OK” featuring Will.I.Am, and the feel good, party jam “Let’s Rock.”

The lyrical subject matter of I Am is as varied as the music. On “Like A Dream” Michele sings of a possible new love interest after getting the attention of a drummer in a nightclub. She sings of her commitment and willingness to stick it through on “Work It Out.” On “In This For You,” Michele proves that material things can’t take the place of physical love. She’s determined on “Be OK” that she won’t be down and out after a break-up. “Your Joy” recalls memories of her childhood and is a loving ode to her father. And “Mr. Radio” serves as a message to programmers, artists, and songwriters alike to go beyond the surface when talking about sex, love, and relationships.

Vocally, Chrisette Michele is in a class of singers like Ledisi, Jill Scott, Amel Larrieux, and Erykah Badu. Her vocal style, timbre, and phrasing are that of a jazz singer. She evokes the spirit of some of the all-time best vocalists like Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, and Sarah Vaughan (those whom she name drops along with Natalie Cole on “Let’s Rock”). Though she has a beautiful range (as witnessed on “Is This The Way Love Feels” and “Golden”), she doesn’t have to resort to vocal acrobatics to sell the song. Like her contemporaries and those who’ve come before her, she’s able to use emotion along with various vocal textures and techniques to great effect.

With the exception of Beyonce’ and Rihanna (maybe a few, and I do mean a few, others), the female voice in R&B/Soul music has been virtually non-existent. Michele, with her vocal chops and writing ability, may be able to change things. It’s been some time since a vocalist came along with such style, promise and virtuosity. R&B/Soul music needs more artists (signed to major labels) like Chrisette Michele. She, like some of her contemporaries, has restored faith in real music and real singing. Especially, in a genre (really an industry) that’s been marred by mediocre production, trite lyrics, and barely-there vocals. Chrisette Michele gives us hope. With critically acclaimed live performances, guest appearances and a stellar debut release, Chrisette Michele is a talent that should be around for many years to come.

Markell Williams - Music Critic